Week 4

This week is a special week, and I have been thinking about the photo that I would have represent me, my journey, and the place that I am at now, since I thought of doing this project, just after Thanksgiving. I had an image in my mind of how I wanted that photo to look, but I knew it would be difficult to pull it off doing it alone, as I do the other photos. I asked a few people to help me out with it, but, either schedules didn't work out, or I just didn't feel comfortable allowing someone to be a part of my nutball ideas. I like to save myself the embarrassment, if at all possible. HAHA!

So, why is this week so special? It's special for 2 reasons. The first reason is, it is my little Eleanor's birthday tomorrow. She would've been 3 years old. The second reason is that Sunday is my Elliott's 2nd birthday! It's always a weird, wonky week for me, because on one hand, I'm feeling very quiet and withdrawn, and I just want to be in myself for a minute, but on the other hand, I'm so excited to celebrate my youngest sons birth, and celebrate him coming into our family! It's a weird dynamic of emotions.

As I've said in previous postings, I want to convey my journey through photos. I want to heal myself through photos. I want to show myself beauty, love, compassion, joy, family.......all of the beautiful things in life, I have been missing. And I want to show myself that again, and retrain my brain to think more positively about myself, instead of the constant negativity, and doubt that I have now. 

For this weeks photos, I chose a few, and they go with a story, of sorts. I'm sorry it's so long winded. :)

Recently, I have been feeling this tremendous amount of weight that has been lifted off of me. I don't feel as sad as I used to about Ellie, and I don't feel that when I think of her, that my life is about to crumble. I am starting to feel good about myself, and even be happy for the experience. Truly happy. I feel happy when I'm with my kids, because I feel like I see life in a whole new way! Not only do I look at scenarios going on around me, and constantly think about how I might photograph that scene (It's a weird thing now, HA!), but I appreciate things so much more now, and so different than I used to. It's hard to explain. But, ultimately, I feel like I'm finally starting to let go of my Ellie-Bean, so she can go do the work that she needs to do, thereby, letting go of this sadness that has burdened, and broken my heart. So, in doing this project, I wanted to somehow convey that in a photo...or 2.....or.....ok maybe 4. I don't know. HAHA! I can't stop shooting once I start. HAHA! Sorry!

When I first lost Ellie, my world flipped up side down. I had no idea that it would have such a powerful effect on my life, for years to come, even. I couldn't have imagined the changes that it has made.

I was so sad, on every holiday, birthday, trip, or event. I felt like I shouldn't be happy because I felt responsible for her death. I felt a huge, unimaginable burden of guilt, because, as a mother, I didn't protect her, and I didn't notice that she had struggled, and hadn't been moving for almost 2 days. That is a hard thing for any mother to let go of. I was disappointed at every birthday because, I couldn't just hold her, and blow out the candles with her, and sing to her, and do all of the things that I should be doing with her. Instead, I would stand over her grave, putting flowers in the vase, tying balloons around it, and crying.

So many times, I would try to let go, of the grief, and let her go.....but I couldn't. The grief was just too much. The pain was too great. It was all consuming. It became so bad, that it became my life, and that is all I saw, was the pain that I thought I deserved, and the unhappiness that I felt I was only worthy of.

Then one day, while standing there, staring at a head stone that was supposed to represent my daughter, a light came on, and I realized, I don't deserve unhappiness.....it's just all I know anymore. I realized I am missing out on so much happiness, because I am stuck. And because I am stuck, Ellie is stuck, and she is unable to leave me, because she is so worried about me. Over time, and a lot of work, that light got brighter and brighter. My purpose changed, my outlook changed, my unhappiness changed. I was feeling joy again. One day, I felt my daughter say, "You are ok now. I love you. I am proud of you! We will meet again. YOU are my mother, and I am your daughter."

So, I decided to let her go. I decided to let the pain go. I decided to see the light again, and feel the warmth of the love, joy and beauty around me. It's a tough journey, and I stumble and trip along the way. But, I will get up, and I will continue to find my happiness in all things. I will always keep going!

My daughter is 3 years old tomorrow, and I can't think of anything happier on a childs birthday, than cake, presents and balloons. So, tomorrow, I will make a cake for her, and my kids and I will have a nice family dinner and desert. Today, I sent balloons up to heaven for her. And today, and for the rest of my life, I am giving her the best gift I can think of.....her mothers happiness.

I love you my beautiful Eleanor. Thank you for everything you have taught me along the way. Thank you for sticking with me through this, and holding my hand. But, I don't need you to anymore. I AM ok. You are ok, too. We will meet again, and it will be the best day when I get to wrap my arms around my youngest daughter. It will be the best day when I get to see all of my children gathered around their father and I. Until then, know I love you, and think about you every day. I love you, my beautiful angel girl.