For the past two weeks, I have felt this mountain of anxiety, and sadness starting to roll in. I felt it when I was in San Diego, but I hoped it was just nerves, from being with a lot of other women that I didn't know. I don't always know why it's coming....just that it is coming. However, when I got back, and days leading up to this week, I have felt it roll in, even stronger, and harder. I have felt the festering of a past issue come up, and gnaw at my head, and start beating me down, mentally. That's how it always goes, for me. I am always fine, and happy, and feeling great, and then BAM! WHAMO! I get hit with this negative emotion, and anxiety, and I can't stop it. My insides get turned and flipped around. I can't hold my hands still. I constantly want to cry, but I can't. I feel like if I even talk, or just open my mouth, I will burst into tears. Inside of my head, normally, I have "picking" thoughts, as I call them. They are thoughts that just pick on myself. I think we all have those, when it comes to weaknesses we feel we have. Normally, I can combat those thoughts pretty well. During these episodes, however, the thoughts aren't quiet. They are screaming at me, and there are a million of them, just yelling, and screaming horrible things in my ear......and I can do nothing, but keep moving, and try not to crumble. Usually, I seem to grab onto some comment that someone has said, weeks ago, or some problem that I have been working on with my kids, or my marriage. That is what usually picks at me during these times. I have realized that this is something I will always deal with and struggle with, but I hope, that through this, and other forms of therapy, that it will lessen, and I will be able to cope with those moments much better than I have been. I used to have these episodes, constantly! Then, I would have them, once a week. Then it went to once every few weeks, to once a month. Now, it's once every few months, or so. Sometimes longer. I feel like it's working, and I feel so much happier than I ever have been. I feel stronger, even. But, when these moments come, I get frustrated, because I am always hoping that I have it beat. I am always hoping that the last one I had, was truly the last one. It's frustrating, and it causes me to beat myself up even more. It causes me to just want to give up with everything I am doing, and give up on life, even. I feel guilty, because I feel broken. I feel like this is not the person my husband married, and wanted to be married to. I feel like I am not the mother he wanted for his children. I feel like I am hurting my children by having a mother around them, who isn't always together. Who is broken in this way. Does my family ever make me feel this way? No! Never. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Allan has never seemed prouder of me, and tells me all of the time how he sees a change in me, personally, and in my work. He sees that I am happier, and healthier, and just brighter, and lighter. I am working on seeing that too.
For this week, I had actually taken another photo, and had planned to use that photo, but then with all of the darkness and emotional turmoil in my head, coming up, I decided to hold that photo for next week, and take a different photo that is more representative of this week. Here it is:
This, I feel, is representative of this week because of the problems I have been having, inside of my head. Here is why. People make comments, all of the time. They make jokes, and say things, and even ask questions, that maybe they shouldn't be saying, or asking. I, myself, am completely without tact, and don't take offense to most comments. Even the ones that sting. I don't, most of the time, realize when a joke I've made is insensitive or offensive, because I just am not that sensitive myself, to people making jokes or saying things about me. I'm working on that, honestly. I don't want to be sensitive, either. I want to make people feel comfortable enough to always come to me, talk to me, and feel like they could ask me anything, and I would give them an honest answer, even if the question is awkward and difficult.
Well, one thing I am sensitive about is my necklace and my bracelet. I love when people ask me about them, but I am always hesitant when they do, and a bit timid, to tell them what they represent. I never know what people are going to think, or say.
The story behind these items are, a few weeks after I lost Ellie, Kelsey, my sister in law, presented me with a very special gift. She said it was from her and her parents (I believe, or the whole family. I take that it's from the whole family, so there. HAHA!). When I opened the box, I saw this beautiful bracelet. It looked, almost, like a Tiffany bracelet. I looked at the heart, and on the heart it had "Ellie" engraved on it, and on the other side it said her birthday, "1-23-11". I just cried, along with everyone else in the room. At the time, I felt like I had a piece of her now, with me always. A few weeks later, I received a package in the mail, and inside was the necklace I always wear. It has a charm, with baby feet imprints, a pearl charm, and a charm with "ellie" engraved on it. It was sent to me by my sweet friends, and Allan's cousins and aunt, in St. George. They all get together and bought this for me. It meant so so much to me to have that from them.
Ever since I received these, however, there has always been concern, and comments raised about my other children. There have been a lot of things said, like, "your other kids will feel left out, because they don't have a charm", or "won't they feel like you don't love them as much?" or, "you should add a charm for each of your children!" I would hear these things, weekly, sometimes daily, and it would hurt. These seem like, some, innocent questions, comments and concerns. But, to someone who is going through this, and is very sensitive about how their actions are effecting her family, especially.....all that person hears is, "you are damaging your kids", "you don't love the children who are living, as much as the child who has passed", and "you are wrong for leaving them out". I continued to keep quiet, and just taking it, because I knew that's not what they were saying. It wasn't worth stirring the pot over. Plus, I didn't want people to stop talking to me, or feel like they had to tip toe around me. I didn't want to be treated differently. Over time, the comments and suggestions have died down, and I only hear it very minimally, to almost no comments.
However, it came up again, recently, and all of those feelings, and worries, came back when someone made a joke about it. It was an innocent joke that, I, normally would be able to handle, and laugh about, and no big deal. But, it didn't go that way. It kick started me into this current episode of depression. I never talked to the person about it. I knew they didn't know, and they DEFINITELY didn't do it maliciously. I value that relationship so much, and it wasn't worth jeopardizing a friendship over. I didn't want our relationship to change, and have that person be scared to tell me anything, or be honest with me, or ask questions, or.....anything! So, I took it. Over the last few weeks, however, my feelings have gotten worse, and the depression has worsened, to the point that I couldn't look at my children. I kept apologizing to my husband for being a terrible mother, and for not being the woman he deserved, for a wife. I felt tremendous guilt, because I thought that my kids really felt like their mother hated them, and didn't care about them, too, or just as much. I did finally, after much coercing, and prodding, confess what that person had said, and how much it bothered me, and why. The friend was so sweet, and kind, and tried to be understanding, and kept apologizing about it.....which made me feel really guilty too. HA! I don't know if they truly understand (well, they will after they read this! UGH! I'm sorry!!), but I am hopeful that that bit of negativity, and sadness that I felt when they were around, won't be there anymore. I am hopeful that I didn't hurt their feelings. I am nervous that, even though they said they won't change the way they talk to me, and things they say, that they will in fact take a second, and pause, and wonder how something they want to say, may effect me. I don't want them to worry!!
I am proud of myself for finally telling this person how I felt. That is a SO hard for me. I would rather take what people dish, and walk away hurt, than to fight back. I don't like to cause waves. But I am understanding now, that I do need to speak up, and tell people. No one learns, if no one says anything. I do love that I am not sensitive about most issues. I love that I am not easily offended. I love that I do apologize for saying something offensive, pretty quick, if I realize what I've said or done may have hurt someone. I have been in my friends position, so so many times....and it sucks. You feel stupid, and small, and horrible. It's me. But, I hope that others, too, can see that I meant nothing hurtful, or malicious, or to make them feel bad about themselves. I'm usually just trying to be funny, and lighten the mood......and I fail most of the time. LOL! But, I still love those qualities about myself. I feel that we miss so much about life, and about each other by being offended too easily, and not forgiving of others. We are not all the same, and don't find all of the same things funny, or exciting, or sad, or hurtful or thoughtful. Being mindful of that, and accepting of that, I feel, will make us powerful people. I want to be better about that, and it starts with me. I can only change me.
When I first received these special pieces of jewelry, I felt like I had a piece of my daughter with me, to remember her by. I felt that I didn't need to include my other children on the jewelry, because they are always with me, and she isn't. Now, however, I have these, and wear these pieces proudly, because they bring me such pride, that I have come through this dark storm, and am almost out of the darkest part, and I am better than I was when I came into it. It's like a medal for myself. These pieces are representative of all of the hard work that I have done, and continue to do, because of this beautiful tragedy. Also, those pieces of jewelry are a reminder to me that I am not alone. They remind me of the beautiful people in my life that were thoughtful, and loving, and gave them to me. They remind me that I have incredible family and friends around me, that love me, hope for me, help me, and are always cheering me on, no matter what. If for nothing else, that jewelry is special to me, because of that. I have spent many nights holding that necklace, or rubbing that bracelet, in my darkest hours, and just touching those pieces have instantly reminded me how loved I really am, and how I am not alone.
I haven't worn this jewelry in a few weeks, because it hurt. When I would hear them, or touch them, all I could hear were those comments all over again, and feel the effects of those comments. I didn't feel the pride in myself that I wanted to anymore. I think it's time to move on from that, and get over it, and the first step is putting them back on, and loving them again. It's time to remember why I have them, and why I wear them, and hope that this experience adds a bit of weight to them, and adds a bit more pride to them. I could've handled this so much differently, and been so negative, and hateful about it......but instead, I was better, and loving, and kind, and hopeful. That's something I can be proud of, and love the changes that I'm making in myself. I hope that I can hold on to this experience, and continue to grow from it, and because of it.
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| I love black and white too much, not to do this in black and white. HA! |
I feel the changes I am making are making me better, and stronger, and I am excited to see what more comes my way, that I can learn about! I am grateful for this experience, and so many others. I have loved seeing how my heart is changing, not only towards other, but towards myself.
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