Week 12

This week has been full of ups and downs. An up is that I am being presented with so many amazing, wonderful, opportunities to give back to the community through photography, along with being able to help others when they need it in other ways. The downs are, because of these opportunities, I have learned that I need to choose my steps carefully. I need to be more mindful of who I talk to, and about what, in regards to my experiences in photography, and how it effects me. I am learning that those that I have come to, as friends, to either be my sounding board, or to vent, or to just get another perspective and opinion in my very short career in bereavement photography, are now becoming the people who I will start saying yes or no to me, in regards to my ability to photograph for their facilities. It's been a really interesting, eye opening, and difficult transition for me. It has left me feeling a bit alone, to be honest. I'm not good at being careful, and to feel like I am slowly losing that support that I have built up for myself, leaves me feeling very lonely, and anxious.

I have had this feeling for a few weeks that the time for me to make some changes in this chosen service, for the betterment of myself, my future, and my family. I have felt like I have some amazing opportunities being handed to me, and I want to make sure that I choose wisely, because it could dictate how I proceed later on. But, to not be able to talk to anyone about it, and really have someone say, "If I were you, I'd do this, and here's why...", is really hard for me. I value the opinions of those confidants, and friends, around me, and to feel like I have to navigate this on my own, alone, is scary. But, it's all good things. And not many bad things can come from this, I don't think anyways. It's just hard to take that leap, and trust in yourself and your decisions. I have worked hard for these opportunities to come. They weren't just handed to me, without a lot of work. But, now that these opportunities are here, I have to choose what direction is going to serve me best for my future. It's tough for me.

For this weeks photo, I have chosen:

I took this photo a few weeks back. This is my mom, Debra Dailey. She called me up, on her birthday, and asked if I would be willing to take a few photos of her. I said I would be ecstatic to, but she had to help me with a self portrait. I roped her into it by showing her how I do it. Everyone is always pretty excited to see how I'm doing it, when I tell them about it. She was no exception. LOL! After the first one, she was hooked, and even helped set up this shot. I think she secretly loved it. HA!

I have been sitting on this photo, and trying to write this post in my head, for a few weeks now. After this week, this photo seemed fitting. Why? Because I have a lot of my mother in me. When I was a kid, I hated when someone would say, "You're just like your mother (or father)!" I think we all did. But, as I've gotten older, I have come to recognize some pretty amazing traits that my mother and father have, that they have passed down to me.

One of my favorite traits about myself is my love of service, and my desire to do as much service as I can. I got this trait from both of my parents equally. My moms whole career is service. She has been a paramedic in Las Vegas for nearly 30 years. She taught me to not judge when giving a handout. She taught me to never think, "What are they going to do with my money?", when providing a handout. Instead, she taught me to think, "I hope that whatever I have will help them." She taught me that everyone is beautiful, and deserving, no matter what their circumstances, background or lifestyle, and it is our duty to help. One of my favorite memories, and something I always looked forward to was Christmas time. Not because of the normal kid things of presents, and Santa, and treats. But, because Christmas time was the time I got to help load up the ambulances with gifts, and Christmas dinner, for some families that medics in the valley, including my mom, had run calls on, or had heard about. These amazing men and women donated money, gifts, an amazing dinner, and their time, to deliver gifts to families who needed this boost, and this support. In every ambulance there were about 5 people, including "Santa", and when we would pull up to the homes of these families, they would make sure to turn the lights on for the kids, and make it just the biggest deal that they could. I had the most amazing time helping with this, and I never wanted it to end. I looked forward to it every year, from the time that I was little, until I was a teenager.

One of the most influential moments I ever had was on one of these trips. We delivered gifts and a huge meal to a family in a trailer park just off of Boulder Highway. On the way, my mom gave us the story of this family, so we knew what was going on, before we got there. This family, the dad was very successful in his profession, and the mom was a homemaker. They made great money, and used to live in a large, beautiful home in Summerlin, along with their 3 beautiful children. However, it all changed when the daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia, a rare form of Leukemia. They fought this disease for so long, and in the middle of the fight, the dad was laid off, and the medical bills that were already piling up, just got larger and larger. They lost their home, and everything they had, because of this. The dad did find another job, but because of the medical bills, they never recovered financially. So, they were living in a trailer, on Boulder Highway. I will never forget the day that we pulled up, with the lights and sirens blaring. The kids all came running outside to see the ambulance, and then the excitement escalated when they saw Santa in the passenger seat. Two of the kids were so excited, and running around the ambulance, not even caring about their bare feet in the rocks and dirt that surrounded their home, and the unit. I looked up, and noticed a third girl, standing in the doorway of the porch, afraid to come out. So, I grabbed a box of presents, and started up the stairs of the porch. I looked at her and noticed, she wasn't much younger than me.....maybe a year or two younger than my 12 year old age. She had a scarf on her head, and a pink slip style nightgown on. I looked at her, and said, "these are for your family. Can you show me where I should put these?" She led me in, and showed me their small tree, that sat on top of a small side table. I remember we made small talk until we found something that we were both REALLY into. I don't remember what it was, but I do remember her taking me to her room, and she showed me around. My mom said it was time for us to go, and I said my good-byes to the family. I got to this girl, and she gave me a huge hug goodbye, and said "Thank you". I thought it was so sweet, but nothing out of the ordinary, for this day. I looked at her mom, who was standing next to her, and she was teary, and holding her daughter tight. My mom put her arm around me and led me to the ambulance. My mom said, "That was amazing. Her mom told me that her daughter has always been afraid to hug anyone, since she got sick, because she has always thought that if she gets anyone else's germs on her, and she gets sick, that she will die. You are the first person she has hugged since she got sick. That's why her mom was so teary, because her daughter has always been so afraid to be around people, for fear that she would get sick. That was a really special moment."

That was the first moment, I think, in my life, that I realized that some service that I do, CAN actually make a difference in someone's life. That I CAN directly change the course of someone's life, and their attitude, by just taking a minute, and being active, and present in someone's life. That moment, that realization, made me feel a little bit of power that I didn't realize existed. I think, when you're a kid, you feel a little powerless. I believe it is such an important lesson to be hands on with, to show kids that, not only do the bad things that they do effect others, but so do the good things, and that they can effect the world, by small and large acts of kindness.

Another moment that was profound for me was a day that I was driving with my dad. My dad is a boat mechanic, and also works at the MGM Grand in maintenance. We were driving out to the lake, to work on a boat. I often accompanied him out to the lake, when he worked on boats. I loved that time with him. On this particular trip, we stopped for gas before heading out. While my dad was pumping gas, while I sat in the truck. I heard my dad talking to someone, so I turned around to see that a man had walked up to him, and was talking to him. He was a much older man, and was hunched over, and looked pretty dirty. My dad handed him something, and the man walked away, thanking my dad over and over again. My dad got back in the cab of the truck and I asked, "Who was that?" He said, "Just a guy". I asked, "What did he want?" "He asked if I had any money, so I gave him a little bit," he told me. I asked him why he gave some guy some money for no reason. He said, "Because he needed help, and I can help him. We need to help everyone that we can, when we can. That's just what you're supposed to do, take care of each other. You never know when you'll be in the same position, and might need help from someone else." My dad always taught me, by his actions, and these small conversations, to treat others the way you would want to be treated.

My parents are pretty great people. They are both hard working. They both have huge hearts. They show their love for me, and my sister in different ways, but we always knew they loved us. They kept things simple, and always taught us to do your best, do it right the first time, and be kind to everyone, no matter what.

This photo, while it only shows my mom, is representative of my father too. I am my mothers daughter, and my fathers daughter. I am half of each of them. I can look at myself, and I can see physical features of each of my parents, that I possess. However, a lot of the good things that I do, a lot of the services that I am passionate about providing to others, and my strong desire to help people, and give back as much as I can, comes from my parents. My dad taught me that it's my job to help as much as we can, and my mom taught me to never use prejudice when helping others. They both taught me how to serve others.

I am proud of the lessons that were taught to me by my family. I am proud that I want to give as much as they do. I am proud to recognize those things in myself, that they gave to me. I hope that when my children get older, and they look at themselves, that I will have made such a strong impact on them to serve others, also.

I can't help but do Black and White. I'm addicted. HAHAHA!

This week, I have realized a lot of things that are going to change, or even just realized that things are changing, and I need to make some moves in the world that I have chosen to pursue. I look at my parents, and I see the lessons they have taught me, and I seek their advice through my past experiences with them. My dad taught me to be careful, and be mindful of our choices. He is a very careful person, and not a huge risk taker. My mom taught me that sometimes you just need to jump in with both feet, and eyes closed, and see what happens. I love the dynamic of these two people, and the way both traits have fit into my personality. I am grateful for their love and support.

As I go through the next few months, and I make these important decisions, I will remember what my ultimate goal is, which is to help others. I will remember that there is a time to be careful, and there is a time to throw caution to the wind and just jump in and see what happens. I hope I can find my balance on both things. I hope I can be brave, and adventurous, like my mother, but be careful and mindful like my father. I hope that whatever decisions I make, and whatever course this adventure takes me on, I will remember to take the time to appreciate where I'm at, and what I'm doing, every day. I hope that my children recognize these great traits in me, and carry them through into their own lives. But, most importantly, I hope that I am able to continue to help people, and that it is making a difference, even to one person.