Week 14

"Confidence is what allows you to open a door when you have absolutely no idea what is behind it."--Linda Poindexter

This week has been filled with a lot of opportunities to learn. Learning, however, for me, tends to come with a nervous breakdown, a whole slew of tears (multiple days in a row), and a lot of frustration on my part. However, what I get out of those experiences are invaluable. This week, the biggest lesson I've learned, and have figured out how to navigate is, saying when enough is enough, and taking a break from things. I don't take breaks from anything. But, I have learned this week that realizing my limit is important. I have learned that sometimes, you have to walk away from things for a minute, take a breath, rekindle the fire, and come back. I'm working on it.

Another thing I have learned is bravery. But, not in a warrior-like sense. More in the sense of real life....my real life. My battles aren't on a field, with guns, bullets, and physical agony. My battles are internal. My biggest battle is fear and confidence. My biggest battle is bravery, in the face of fear, and knowing that the direction I am headed in, is the right one for me.

I have chosen this photo to represent this week:

What does it mean to be brave? That is an answer that has haunted me the last 3 years of my journey. People tell me, all of the time, that I am so strong, and brave because of what I've been through, and how I'm dealing with it, along with what I've done with photography, and my blog. But, I'm not sure that's true. I don't feel particularly strong, and I definitely don't feel brave! I feel weak, and insecure, and even more now than I ever did before this journey started!.......before I lost my youngest daughter. But, recently, that question has popped up again, as I have been doing the self portraits, and a lot of self reflection. And I just may have an answer.

Most people know, now, that I photograph babies who have passed away before birth, through miscarriage, or even after birth. It has been something that I have been very determined to do, and have worked very hard to be able to do. It is work that I am VERY passionate about. Being able to do this hasn't healed my heart. It hasn't filled a hole. It hasn't made me feel purpose, or a usefulness that I have longed to feel. I don't do it to prove anything to myself, or to anyone else. I do this because, simply, I feel it's what I'm supposed to do. I feel that it is one thing I was placed here to do. When I walk into a hospital room, and start to position, and photograph that sweet little angel, I feel incredible nervousness, but as I get started, I start to feel at home. I feel so relaxed, and at ease. However, there is a moment, in almost every shoot, where I start to waver in that comfort. A moment where I'm not as comfortable as I was, and that moment is when I am photographing the mother holding her child. When I am watching, through my view finder, and I see the tears rolling down the mothers face, as she holds her baby so tight that I can even feel the squeeze, it just breaks my heart into a million pieces. That is the moment that I usually break.....just for a second. See, I can't break. I can't follow my instincts and put the camera down, and give her her space. I can see the family that might be there, staring at me, thinking, "What are you doing photographing this?! Put it down!" But, I can't. They asked me there to photograph those very moments. To document those emotions. To show what their love created, and to show how that love will say goodbye to that creation. So, I swallow it down, and I keep shooting until I feel that I've gotten it, and then I wait for another moment.

What does all of this have to do with being brave? I always tell people that I am honored to do what I am allowed to do. I feel that a persons birth, and death, are the two most sacred moments in their lives. I am honored to be invited into that space, into that sacred, special moment, and I am given an even bigger honor, because I get to document both events, at one time. Something happened, however, the last time I photographed a family, after they lost their beautiful son. The sweet mother was holding her baby boy. She held him so tightly to her chest. She had her uncle sitting on the bed, at her feet, and her husband sitting next to her in a chair. And she cried the hardest cry you've ever heard. I hear it every time I do this. It's a painful cry, that only a mother, who has lost this much, can let out. I looked through my viewfinder, made my adjustments, found my focus.....and then I stopped. Through that little tiny window, with one eye open, I watched this mother, fearlessly, and with her whole heart, say goodbye to her child. In that moment, it clicked in my head that this is the moment where she will learn who she truly is, how strong she really is, and how much bravery she TRULY possesses. This is the moment where it will all start. Where she will question every decision she's ever made. Where her confidence in herself will waiver. Where she will forget how beautiful, and amazing she is. But, this is also the first moment where she will be forced to choose what she will do with this. Where she will choose if she gives up, or continues on. Where she will choose what she will learn from all of this that has just been handed to her. This is the last moment that she will hold, snuggle, talk to, and kiss her sweet baby boy, and the last moment that tears will fall on his little forehead. But the first moment of the rest of her journey........and then I photographed it. I photographed her brave moment.

Being brave doesn't mean that you don't cry. Being brave doesn't mean you aren't scared. Being brave doesn't mean that you just jump in with both feet, without hesitation. To me, being brave means when everything inside of you is rebelling, and you feel the hesitation is too great to overcome, but you know it's what has to be done, you do it, even through the fear, and the tears. Being brave means doing the hard thing, even when everything is going against you, including yourself, because it's the right thing to do.

It's a hard thing for me to photograph these families. I don't know any of them, and I don't usually see them, or hear from them again. But, each one makes an impact on me. Each one teaches me something about myself, that I didn't know. Every time I go in, and I see those tears start to roll down, when I hand the mother her sweet baby, I just want to jump on her, and take the beating for her, because I know what is coming, and I know I can take it. I want to protect her from all of the pain that is about to flood her life. But, if I did that, she would miss out on learning how truly amazing she is. She would miss out on finding her own strength, and learning how much power she possesses. She would miss out on learning what power that kind of love can bring to her life. She would miss out on learning what it is to be brave, and how brave she truly is. That thought, and reasoning might anger some people who think, "I think that you could learn those same things without losing a child. Why wouldn't you want to protect someone from that pain?!" My answer would be that I want to protect them, but this is their path, and mine, and this is how we are to learn these lessons. Others have a different path, and different ways to learn their lessons. I can't explain it, and I can't change it. All I can do is choose to do my best, and give my best. If I could tell these mothers anything, it would be "Be brave". It will take everything they have inside of them, and so much more, to not only weather the storm, but to come out of the storm, and clean up the mess it left behind, rebuild, and continue on with life.....and end up happy that the storm came.

Be brave......Do something that is hard to do, scary even, because you know you can do it. Challenge yourself to face a fear. For me, photography has given me that time and time again. I am scared to death to fail. It's a huge fear of mine. I felt like I failed Ellie, by not protecting her, by not knowing that she was in distress. I stopped trying new things, foods, meeting new people, leaving the house, ANYTHING, because I was afraid I would fail. I am scared to photograph these families, babies and their moments, because it is the ONLY time they will have with their children, and I am afraid I won't do a very good job. But, I felt so strong that I needed to do this work, so against everything inside of me, I started learning, and asking, and helping, and participating in anything and everything I could get my hands on, and time would allow. I was still nervous, and very timid.......but I stepped up and did it anyways. I pushed through the fear and I did it anyways. My first brave moment of this journey was handing my sweet Eleanor over to Tammy, and watching her walk out of the room, trusting her that she would take care of my angel girl. Every decision after that, was more of me being brave. It was me being frightened of that failure, and pushing myself to do it anyways.

Now, when I go photograph a family of a passed baby, I am nervous, so nervous that my stomach is flipping inside out, because I'm scared I will fail, and I will let them down. But, I go in anyways, and I remind myself, every time, how brave I am, how strong I really am, how powerful I really am, how amazing I really am.......and I let that shine through, rather than the nerves. There is a beauty in the fear. There is a positive power in the fear, if you look for it.....and I look hard for it.

This realization has helped me through so many moments in my life, not connected with photography. This knowledge of what I feel it is to be brave has helped me, to motivate me to push past the fears, anxiety, and sadness, and try it anyways. Bring the fears with you on your journey. My fears motivate me. They make me say, "Yea, I'm scared, but lets see if I can do it anyways!" When I reach the other side of the moment, I look at it and feel pride in myself, that I would've never had before, without that experience. I build my confidence every time I do it. Everything I do, every situation I put myself in, for a lot of moments of my life, these last few years, have been incredibly hard, and down right scary. Allowing myself to use that fear, and face those fears hasn't really diminished the fear significantly. But, what it has done, has built my confidence in myself, my abilities and in my choices, and having confidence allows me to face more things, and try more things, and THAT is what helps to lessen my fears more and more.

I am a brave, strong, powerful person. I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for. I think we all are! I truly believe that confidence and bravery go hand in hand. We cannot face those hard things, those trials without them both. I am glad that I am starting to shed off the blanket of fear that has been hiding me, and with a tremendous amount of bravery, and ever building confidence, I know that what lies beneath those blankets is something pretty special.