One of the problems that has come up this week is me photographing those sweet angel babies. I have done it now, for a few months, and as of recently, am now the only photographer for the group that I shoot for. So, that means that any family that calls the organization that requests pictures of their child, its all on me. And if I can't do it, then NO ONE else in our organization can do it. For a bit, I have been ok, and have nervously been taking it on, on my own. But, as of late, I have felt a cringe when the phone rings. A sigh, and a thought of, "Seriously?!" I felt bad for those thoughts, but at the same time, I was so overwhelmed, and behind, on other photographs I had done for other angel families, PLUS my own personal stuff, PLUS shoots that I had done for other people. I was just really backed up, but I couldn't say no to these special families. I didn't want them to go without! I was having a hard time finding balance.
These are feelings I have been trying so hard to keep to myself, and not let anyone know that I was having a hard time, but as March wore on, the overwhelmed feelings turned to just plain sadness, anger and I felt the depression start to rear its ugly head again. I felt like I couldn't do it. I felt like I was not good enough. I felt like anyone else would've been able to keep up, so why I can't I?! I felt that the reason that I couldn't, and everyone else could, was because I wasn't good at what I was doing. I felt like I wasn't having fun anymore. I wasn't enjoying what I was doing. The more I photographed, the more I kept thinking of all of the work mounting up. And then those thoughts turned to my family. I thought, "Well, if I'm not good at this, then I'm definitely not good at being a wife and mother! I am struggling to stay afloat with photography, all the while my house looks like a mess, because I can't keep up with it, and my husband is having to pick up all of the slack, because I can't do it!" The final thought was, "Well, I quit! I'm not good at this, I'm not good at my home life.....I'm just bad at it all, so I need to quit photography all together." I was back in the ugly spot again, and I hated it.
I finally did talk this over with my husband, who said, "Yea, maybe you should quit photography. Your first job is your family, this house, THEN everything else" He was right. But, he also knew how much it hurt my heart to even have the thought that I would quit, not only photographing these special families, but photography all together. I told him that I would decide at the end of March what I would do, and left at that.
At the end of March, we had a trip to St. George planned, for Allan's grandparent's 60th anniversary. We were so excited, not only to get to go to St. George, and see his wonderful family, but because the kids weren't coming with us!! HAHA! My step-mom, Vicki stayed with the kids all day, here, while we drove to St. George. It was a fun drive, up until we were stopped in our tracks by traffic......and we hadn't even gotten to Mesquite. Allan suggested watching a movie on his tablet, while we sat on the I-15N. As we inched forward, here and there, Allan started pointing out cactus's, with these purple blossoms on them. He asked if I had my camera with me. I said, "No, but it's in the backseat." So, instead of grabbing my camera and bringing it to the front seat, I, in my dress, climbed in the backseat of the car, rolled the windows down, put my 70-300mm f/4 lens on my camera body, and started shooting what I was seeing.
After about an hour of this, I found myself obsessed. I was having so much fun, being silly with my husband. I was photographing people that were walking next to their cars, because the traffic was taking so long. I was photographing the nuts and bolts of the semi trucks that were sitting next to us. I photographed the garbage, the plants, the people, the scenery, ANYTHING. I photographed anything that would sit still. Allan even got into it! If he would see something that I might want to get, and we started moving, slowly, he would inch the car forward even slower, so that the camera didn't shake, and I would get a clear shot. I'm sure the people behind us LOVED that. HA!
After 2 1/2 hours of traffic, 2 1/2 hours of watching a whole movie, and photographing the entire time, I found myself laughing, not thinking about any responsibilities, having fun and being silly with my husband, and thoroughly enjoying photography again. I was enjoying my life! I was enjoying the weird things along the road, because I saw something beautiful I could do with them, in a photograph. I was loving the plants that I saw all around me, that, had there not been traffic to stop us, I would've never known existed right there, and I would've never been forced to enjoy photographing them. This may have been the first time that the traffic starting to let up, made me sad! HAHA! We had somewhere to be, but we were having so much fun in the moment, that we didn't mind that our bladders were full, our stomachs were empty and we were incredibly late. We were just happy for the time!
I knew, however, that by doing this, that there would be families that would have to go without. That is gut wrenching for me, but I knew that in order for me to be my best, and do my best, I need this time off. Unfortunately, I did hear of 3 families, and that killed me. I was pretty much a mess the day I found out about them, because I felt like I let the organization down, and those families down. I know it will happen again, but I hope that I will be able to keep reminding myself that I need this time, to get myself well again.
For the photo this week, I have chosen, not only the ones I shared from my adventures in traffic, but this one. This photo represents me trying to enjoy what I do more, and finding my silly again. This photo represents me finding my limit, and being ok with saying, "No".
I love my passion. I love my drive to help. I love how hard I love people, and genuinely want to make people happy, and feel loved and important. I love how self aware I am, and how I also realize when I need to take time for me, and back off of everything else. I hate, however, when I have to do it. HA! I'm learning though. And I am proud of myself for sticking with the break thus far. I love the fun that I am having, and I can feel that spark starting to turn into a flame.
Sometimes, when we are having a hard time finding balance, and we aren't enjoying all of the amazing things around us....when we start looking at everything we love as a "job", instead of something we love and are passionate about, all we need is a traffic jam. I think that the traffic jam is exactly what I needed. I was stuck there, and was given the choice to complain about, be upset and frustrated, or find some joy in the moment handed to me. For me, I needed something to make me stuck, so that I would feel joy again, without stress looming over. I needed to realize I am good enough, and I am ok. I was just lacking joy, and fun. Balance. It's an art, that's for sure. LOL! But it's necessary.
No comments:
Post a Comment