This week, I have learned some of the biggest lessons I have ever learned. Last weeks blog post was all about keeping things private, not letting anyone see me hurt, or cry, and really what that has done to me. My challenge for this week, and really, forever, is to be more honest with, not only myself, but others. I needed to ask for help when I needed it. I needed to vent to others, and let them know that I'm struggling, even if I feel they can't help me. I needed to let people in, and stop feeling like I have to appear brave, and strong, and put together all of the time.
So, I took my own challenge, and vented. I sent a friend an email, and just said, "Hey, I need to vent. And here it is.....", and then proceeded to vomit everything I was feeling all out. Oddly enough, it wasn't a very long email. HAHA! But, it was packed full of my emotions, and my loneliness, and my grief, and my unapologetic self. Do you want to know the outcome? It was amazing. She sent me a text just a few short minutes later, and said that she had to be somewhere in about 45 minutes, but to come and grab a quick dinner with her. So.....I did. When I saw her there, she gave me a hug, and just whispered to me, "I don't have any words of wisdom, nothing that can help you right now. But I appreciate you telling me. I am sorry that you're feeling this way, and having such a hard time. I love you." And then, we ordered, and sat down and ate. We didn't talk about it at all. There was no need. I said what I wanted to, and I felt so good knowing that, even in her busy, crazy, hectic schedule, she managed to squeeze in a hug, and a sympathetic, "I appreciate you telling me." I am always so worried about burdening other people, and that if I lay too much on them, with my depression, or my life, or anything.....that the people that I love, and trust, will run for the hills, because I'm too much work, and I'm too high maintenance.
The next day, I started walking again with another friend! She caught me up on her life since I saw her last, and I told her what was going on, and caught her up in my life, since it's been so long. I let her know what was going on with me, and the status of my depression recently. I had let her know about everything I had been feeling in the months leading up to this last week, and what the issues I was having were. I let her know that my faith had also taken a hit, and was wavering. Not because I didn't believe in God anymore....but because I was so depressed that I just didn't care anymore, and I was just frustrated with myself. I felt disconnected from what I believed. I felt disconnected from God. She was kind of shocked. HA! She has been with me since I lost Ellie, even before, and she has seen my faith only increase, never being shaken by any of the events that followed losing my daughter. So, it was shocking to her that after 3 1/2 years, THIS is the time that my faith was wavering.
The next night, she sent me a text and said, "Your job for tonight is to watch the Mormon message called Mountains to Climb. Lori (her auto correct, apparently has forgotten how to spell my name. GGRR!!! LOL!) you will do great." I said that I would watch it, and she went to bed. I sat up, editing as I usually do, listening to conference talks. But, that night, instead, I found that video that she asked me to watch. I did the ugly cry watching that video. It was everything I was feeling, and doing. It was everything I was, also, forgetting to do. Watching that video changed things, just a little bit, in my heart, and I realized what I wasn't doing, and what I needed to do. Pray. I hadn't prayed, alone, and talked to my Father in Heaven.....my Dad......in at least a month. I felt like I had nothing to say. I felt like I couldn't say what I wanted to say, because it was only hurt, disappointment and anger, nothing else.
The next night, I received a phone call from my friend who invited me to dinner the night before. I think she had been thinking about the email that I sent, and was able to find the words I needed to hear. She listened to me talk to her more in depth about what was wrong, and what I had been going through over the last month, and then listened to more details about my faith, and it's dips. I told her that I felt alone. I felt that my Father had left me alone, and that I was floundering, and struggling to hang on, and He wasn't there cheering me on to keep going, and keep trying, like He had in the past. She gave me some amazing advice, and words of wisdom that helped so much. But, then said that if Sarah were to disappoint me, which she never would, that I would still be there for her, even more so, and it wouldn't change. Even if Sarah had become distant from me, or was pulling away, I would still always be there for her. She said that our Father is the same way. He is still there. It is me that has distanced myself from Him, not the other way around. She recommended I pray, and even if I had nothing to say, to just try.
That night, after my phone conversation with her, and after watching the video my other friend had recommended, I changed my self portrait. I set up my camera, chose my settings, and took the photo.....
For this week, this photo is me, for the first time in a while, praying. This is me, asking for my Fathers help. This is me trying to follow my own advice that I give all of the time.....Pray.....I always say that the church, or any church, is not complicated. It's simple. WE make it complicated. The people make it complicated. God has made it quite simple actually. So, that night, I knelt in prayer, and I had my second prayer of begging for help, in my life. I cried harder than I have in a long time. I said nothing but "help me, please!" Do you want to know what happened? I did feel more calm. I did feel a bit of my heart being filled. I felt a bit that emptiness fade. I felt my Fathers love, and relief, that I chose to listen to my friends, to Him, and come and talk to Him. I felt His relief that I opened those lines of communication again.
I learned, from this week, that it's not weak to say you need help. It's not weak to need to vent, and just get things off of your chest. It's not too much, to tell your friends, or your husband, or your family, that you just need a little bit more of their time for a minute. I learned that people don't need to have any answers to my problems. It goes much further for me, if they just show up. The love that comes from them trying to rearrange their schedule, try to squeeze me in, or just stop by quickly for a hug, makes me feel so much better, and loved. I never allowed those things, because I felt like I needed to hide my flaws so people will want to stick around. I never allowed the opportunities for others to serve me, because I felt that I would be too high maintenance for them, and they wouldn't want me around anymore, if they knew how much help I really needed. Instead, I learned that allowing others in, to see and hear everything, while it's scary, really is worth it. Because, when you do, it could strengthen those relationships so much more than you could have imagined. Whether the relationships are with your spouse, your siblings, your parents, your friends, or your Father in Heaven.
I have a lot of work ahead of me. I have learned though, that if I really try hard to be honest about how I feel, and open my mouth when I'm struggling, even if the person can't help, that honesty, alone, and just saying the problem, is a help. I'm still feeling the depression rear it's ugly head, but what I don't feel is lonely, because I know that I have a pretty amazing support system of family, friends and my Heavenly family cheering me on, and giving me lots of love, advice, and support.....mixed with a little Dr. Pepper and junk food. HA! I have learned, that I am loved. I should allow love in from others through words, gestures, and service, and I my heart will overflow with love, when I do.
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