The last few weeks have taken on a negative tone, and this week was no different. It has been hard for me to articulate what's going on. Sometimes, it gets so overwhelming for me, that I cannot form the right words to even talk to anyone. On top of that, even if I wanted to talk, I am afraid to talk to anyone. I am afraid of what they'll say. I am afraid it will hurt me more. I am afraid that once they know that I am feeling this way, that they will constantly worry about me, and that will consume our relationship. I am afraid that I will feel better, and move on from the moment, but they will not, and they will constantly think that I am still feeling that way. Mostly, I am afraid that I will vent to them, confide in them, let them in, and they will think that I am too much work, or too much drama, and run away. I am most afraid of that one. So, instead of talking, I keep it in, and on occasion, I talk to Allan, my husband, about it. I always feel better talking Allan about it, because he has learned how to talk to me, over the years. He has learned that validation of my feelings is so important to me. Sympathizing with my feelings is important. And just hugging me, goes a long way. But, I know that it does worry him, and that it hurts him that I'm feeling this way. I know he feels frustrated because he can't always help me by fixing the problem. I hate to cause that turmoil inside of him, by venting to him, so I tend to even shut him out of it.
So what do I do? How do I cope? That leads me to my photo for the week.
When I first lost Ellie, I learned very quickly that it hurt my kids, and worried my family, to see me cry, and break down. I hate to make people worry, and be a burden in that way, so I would swallow the tears down until I could quietly excuse myself to my room. I would always find myself in my closet. I would either stand there, folding my harms over each other, over my stomach and just hold so tight, and cry, OR I would stand there, hands on my head, sobbing, almost feeling like covering my ears, trying drown out the noise in my head that was causing me to cry. Over the last 3 1/2 years, that has become a habit. If I am feeling like I'm going to cry, I swallow it down, hide the emotions, so as to not make people worry, or feel uncomfortable. And when I can't handle it any longer, I find myself in my closet, alone, crying, and letting it out. Its lonely.
This week, I found myself in my closet a few times, privately breaking. I have been on the downward part of this roller coaster, and it's pretty far down. I don't like it. When I am like this, my thoughts almost make it worse, out of frustration with my own self. I want to be better. I don't want to feel this anymore!!......and yet I do. I have amazing times, where I'm so so happy. And those happy times are more and more frequent, and lasting a lot longer than they used to. But, when those sad times come, it frustrates me, because it makes me feel like I'm getting nowhere. It makes me feel like I am a failure.
This project is about finding the good in myself, and changing my thoughts into positive ones. This week is hard to do that. After thinking about it, and paying attention, I have come up with something I do like about myself. I pay close attention to my emotions and my triggers. I don't always do great at it, but I try really hard to pay attention to myself. I know that I don't want to be negative about myself or anyone else. I only want to see the good in myself, improve myself where I feel it will impact me for the best, and only see the good in others. So, I pay attention to myself. I feel that this photo shows a not great side of me. It shows a side of me that I hope to change. I have become so private, that it is actually hurting me, and my relationships, and holding back any progress for a positive change in my healing.
Something that always bothers me is that people say, "Laurie, you are so strong! You are so amazing!".......It hurts, because I think, "Geez, if you only knew how weak I am, you'd change your mind." But, how can they know, if I don't ever let anyone see ALL of me?
I recently read a talk that I had heard at the October, 2013 LDS General Conference, by Elder Jeffery R. Holland, called "Like a Broken Vessel" (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng). My favorite part of this talk, and something I will try to remember from here on out, is, ".....let us remember that through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for. We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!" This talk helped me to realize that because I have this, at time debilitating, depression, that it is not weakness. It is a challenge, but not a weakness. And emotions are not a weakness. I can rise the challenge, and grow from it, do great things and become the person I want to be. Or, I can give into the challenge, let it weaken me, and get nothing from it. I choose to work, and to grow and become better and stronger.
I know I am capable of great things. I know I am a good person. I know I didn't do anything wrong, to warrant this very difficult challenge. I don't always know those things......but today I do. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me, to help myself cope with this challenge that will be with me forever. Part of the work required of me is to be more open, and allow more people in. Allow the help. Allow the hugs. Allow the compassion. Allow others to see ALL of me. Not just the happy good parts. But the parts that need improvement. The parts that I feel are weak. The parts that are broken. Happiness doesn't make us who we are. Our whole selves make us who we are. I need to learn that broken is beautiful too. Sadness is beautiful. Hurt is beautiful. Happy is beautiful. Love is beautiful. Everything IS beautiful. I just need to let others see all of me, and not hide the emotions. I will get there. One foot in front of the other.
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