Easter's Coming

The last few days have been really great. Since Allan told me about his struggle with his faith, we have been trying to pray together, and remember to think of Heavenly Father during the day, and just do all of the things that busy people over look sometimes.

Allan told me that he had looked online for some answers to questions he had (which I would NEVER suggest, and neither would he), and actually found a website for members with the same way of thinking he has, and same questions he had. I think it made him feel better that there were enough other people with the same questions, that they created a website, HA! He said that reading those things made him feel so much better, and answered most of his questions. The meeting with the bishop was just as uplifting for him and positive.

During the week, my attitude towards the kids had been lighter than before. It's almost as if praying helped me find  my patience for them. Not to mention, it has been really nice to not have to stress about taking Sarah to school in the middle of the day, and getting her homework done in the morning.

Now that we are approaching Easter, however, I feel the anxiety welling up in my stomach. I decided to have everyone over to our house for dinner, for turkey and ham and mashed potatoes. I wanted to make a big dinner for everyone, since that's what TC always did. Now, I would give anything to not even acknowledge Easter. I just want it never come. I can't help but think of my Eleanor, and how, when I was pregnant with her, I would go to Target, and see matching dresses for her and Sarah that I couldn't wait to buy them. I would look at pictures of Sarah and TC, Sarah's first Easter and couldn't help but think of Ellie being 3 months old and having similar pictures with Lincoln, Allan and her new cousin Lilia. I couldn't wait to see what fun pictures I would have to look back at, and remembering how hectic it was trying to get all 4 of my babies to sit still for a picture. Now, I want nothing to do with any of it.

One of my favorite pictures of Sarah and TC. Sarah's first Easter.

TC grilling up some steaks for dinner

Becky, Cliff & Sarah

Easter is a big holiday for our family, on the Rogers' side. We always had dinner at TC's house. He would make steaks for everyone, and we'd have a big dinner at his table, and then go outside, and hang out in his nice backyard, either around the fire, laying on a sleeping bag in the grass or relaxing in his hammock. It was so much fun, and so nice to spend that time as a family. I feel like, TC's gone, and now so is Ellie, I just want to avoid it. I've been so down on Easter, I haven't even bought the kids their Easter outfits. That is very much not like me. Usually they have their outfits, and jammies, and t-shirts to wear after church, and all of that.

Kelsey hangin in the hammock with the kids, while Cliff sits by the fire, during the last Easter, right before we lost TC.

Becky giving Sarah her Easter present

I can't bring myself to do it. I want to, I just can't. I want to go to her grave today, and bring her some flowers, but I don't. I'm afraid of the feelings I may have. I guess I can't avoid it. I need to go at some point. I just want my family back together, and wake up from this nightmare. I know that this won't be my life forever, and I will move on, and find happiness again. For now, faking happiness will have to get me through.

I am so happy that my husband is finding his testimony again, and I'm loving the spirit that has been brought back into our house. I wish I could be happy during this holiday, and remember what this holiday is all about. It seems like Allan is actually living what this holiday is all about. One thing that I am feeling happy about is, during this whole week of prayer with my husband, I know that our prayers have been answered. I can feel my patience returning. I can feel my Heavenly Fathers arms wrapped around me. I know my daughter loves me, and is happy and taken care of. I know that He is with Allan during the day, helping him to make good choices. I am grateful that my testimony has not wavered, during this trial, and I am grateful that I can feel His love, stronger than ever.

I have to say, without this experience, I don't think my testimony would be as strong as it is. I don't think my husband would've ever asked the questions he's had his whole life. I don't think I would have ever felt as close to my Father in Heaven as I do. So, in a way, while I wished I didn't have to lose my daughter, I'm grateful for the trial. Heavenly Father knew our family could handle this trial, and he was right! We are handling it, and doing ok, I think. Even in the hardest times, I am grateful to always be able to find the positive, even in the most difficult times.