How Did They Know?

Do you ever watch General Conference, and listen to the messages, and think, "How did our beloved general authorities know exactly what I needed to hear?" Today, as I am watching General Conference, I can't help but think that very thing.

This week has been especially trying for me. Every day is a trial this week. I have felt sad, angry, not good enough, alone, and hungry (I haven't been eating much this week because of these feelings. HA!). Every day, something would happen, or feelings would come, that would make the next day that much harder to deal with. Towards the end of the week, I felt that I couldn't handle much more. I felt my spirit crumbling. I felt like I was out of control. On Thursday, I thought I would get a bit of a reprieve at a Relief Society activity. I usually don't get to see anyone from Relief Society, because of my other calling at church, so I don't know many of the women. While the activity started great, the night ended poorly for me. As soon as the program was over, I grabbed the girls I had to give rides home to, and I was gone. As soon as I got home, more drama unfolded and this drama brought about more emotion in me, more than I could handle, I think.

Friday night, I sat down, and I started writing on my blog about what happened on Thursday night, that sparked all of this. I had a hard time publishing the posting. So I just saved it. Why? I didn't post it, because the more I thought about it, and the more times I read it, the more I realized it wasn't going to help anyone post such negativity. Sure, it may have released my frustration and let everyone know what was going on with me, but for some of the people that read this, it could've caused some to be uncomfortable. It was full of frustration, anger, sadness and hate. It wasn't in the spirit of telling what I was feeling, and finding the purpose of the trials presented. For me, writing my experiences and feelings, has helped me find the lessons that Heavenly Father has been trying to teach me. I write it down, and I have it forever, to look back and always remember what He taught me.

Today, we went to our best friends' kids' birthday party. Soon after, I took Sarah to her dance class, and got home about 1:30p, where Allan and I high fived at the door, he left for a meeting, and I laid the kids down and laid in bed and started watching conference on BYUtv. The first talk I heard, was the last half of Elder Ballard's talk. I don't know where he was going with his talk, however, I got out of it, that I need to let things go. I need to not harbor the feelings that I've had. I need to let the anger and hurt go, for the loss of my daughter. There is no blame to be placed on anyone for her death, especially not myself. During this experience, I have never blamed my doctors, my husband or my Heavenly Father. I have only blamed myself. I dissected anything and everything I did during my pregnancy, and I blame my actions for her death. Most days, I've hated myself.

Next up, was a talk by........ugh, now I can't remember. But he talked about the eternal family. Again, I'm not sure what his real point was, however, that's the topic I honed in on. He reminded us that we "live to die, and die to live.....again". He reminded us that my family will be together for eternity, and I need to do my part to teach my children correctly, and to help my husband to get back to our Father in Heaven, so that we can be together again......with our lost child, and making our family complete.

While I know I will still have bad days. Days where I will feel like I can't cope with this anymore. Days where I may not like myself too much. Days where I will feel alone, and hating that lonely feeling. I know there will also be days like today, where the Comforter will bring me some relief so that I may hear the words of the prophets. I am grateful for the stillness that I feel right now, as I listen to them. I am grateful for the gift of repentance. I am grateful for my family, especially my husband. Even though days are getting harder and harder, it seems, I am grateful for the hard days, because I have learned, the harder the days, the bigger the lesson there is to learn. I love my Heavenly Father for his amazing lessons I get to learn, from my experiences he has blessed me with, and from the words of his prophets.