Yesterday, I talked to one of my best friends. She is the person I have known the longest, besides my amazing sister, and knows me the best. I needed that conversation. The last 2 weeks have been really hard on me, and really isolating (by my own doing, I think), so I needed that conversation badly.
About a week ago, I emailed one of my best friends, Crystal, telling her how I have missed her so much. She is the person that I knew, if she asked how I was doing, and lied and said I was fine, she would call me out so fast my head would spin. I felt, sometimes, bullied that I'm still dealing with the death of Eleanor. I feel bullied, and lonely. She would be the person, who would just show up at my house, out of no where, to pick me up to grab desert and talk at a park or something. Or she would show up with Blast-O-Butter popcorn, and Practical Magic, or Hope Floats, and we'd sit on the couch and cry together, because we're big goobers. I need that so badly, and I don't have that right now. My sister lives in California, she lives in Florida, and all of my other friends live across town, so its just me. Lonely.
I talked to her about everything going on with her munchkins, and how they are liking Florida, since I knew she was nervous to leave her family and friends, and move across the country. Then she asked about me, and how we were handling things. I didn't hesitate to tell her exactly how I was doing. I felt like I finally said everything I was thinking without ever questioning if I should say anything to her. I told her how I felt frustrated with myself, because I don't feel like I'm getting better. I feel like things aren't getting easier for me. She reminded me that while I am very inward with my feelings, and don't let myself deal with my own issues, very often, this time, I need to just feel what I feel, cry when I need to cry, and be ok. She said that I always put everyone's feelings above my own, and minimize what's going on in my life. This time, I need to understand this is big, and I may never be "over" it. I need to let myself feel, and express those feelings........hard to do that for me. I constantly sensor myself, when talking to people. Certain people only get certain parts of me. Its hard for me to be vulnerable, and let people in completely, and let them see all of me. Mostly, she reminded me that I'm not weak for the things I'm feeling. It isn't weak to cry. Unfortunately, that's how I feel. So it was a good reminder. Maybe this is the lesson to be learned right now.
I was able to talk to her about having another baby soon, along with the reasons why now and not later, and the process at which we came to that conclusion. It felt good to be free to talk about it. For some reason, I am nervous to talk to people about it, because everyone has their opinions about if and when we have another child. I always feel like I have to gain approval for it, or like I have to argue for what I do with my family. I know they just don't want me to hurt anymore, and don't want me to go through it again. For that, I am grateful for my friends and family.
Crystal and I have gone through a lot together, and we always marvel at the fact that no matter how long its been, months or years, in between chats or meetings, we still pick up like we just saw each other or spoke the day before. Its so comforting to have a friend like that. I wish she was here. I feel like I took for granted the fact that she was always here. Now she's not, when I need her the most. I have to be a big girl now, and find my own way of dealing with this.
I am grateful for Crystal, my sister, people from my church, and all of my friends and family for their support. Each person has taught me their own lessons, and have helped me in their own ways. I think that if I had all of those people around me, I might still feel alone. Nature of the beast I guess.
About a week ago, I emailed one of my best friends, Crystal, telling her how I have missed her so much. She is the person that I knew, if she asked how I was doing, and lied and said I was fine, she would call me out so fast my head would spin. I felt, sometimes, bullied that I'm still dealing with the death of Eleanor. I feel bullied, and lonely. She would be the person, who would just show up at my house, out of no where, to pick me up to grab desert and talk at a park or something. Or she would show up with Blast-O-Butter popcorn, and Practical Magic, or Hope Floats, and we'd sit on the couch and cry together, because we're big goobers. I need that so badly, and I don't have that right now. My sister lives in California, she lives in Florida, and all of my other friends live across town, so its just me. Lonely.
I talked to her about everything going on with her munchkins, and how they are liking Florida, since I knew she was nervous to leave her family and friends, and move across the country. Then she asked about me, and how we were handling things. I didn't hesitate to tell her exactly how I was doing. I felt like I finally said everything I was thinking without ever questioning if I should say anything to her. I told her how I felt frustrated with myself, because I don't feel like I'm getting better. I feel like things aren't getting easier for me. She reminded me that while I am very inward with my feelings, and don't let myself deal with my own issues, very often, this time, I need to just feel what I feel, cry when I need to cry, and be ok. She said that I always put everyone's feelings above my own, and minimize what's going on in my life. This time, I need to understand this is big, and I may never be "over" it. I need to let myself feel, and express those feelings........hard to do that for me. I constantly sensor myself, when talking to people. Certain people only get certain parts of me. Its hard for me to be vulnerable, and let people in completely, and let them see all of me. Mostly, she reminded me that I'm not weak for the things I'm feeling. It isn't weak to cry. Unfortunately, that's how I feel. So it was a good reminder. Maybe this is the lesson to be learned right now.
I was able to talk to her about having another baby soon, along with the reasons why now and not later, and the process at which we came to that conclusion. It felt good to be free to talk about it. For some reason, I am nervous to talk to people about it, because everyone has their opinions about if and when we have another child. I always feel like I have to gain approval for it, or like I have to argue for what I do with my family. I know they just don't want me to hurt anymore, and don't want me to go through it again. For that, I am grateful for my friends and family.
Crystal and I have gone through a lot together, and we always marvel at the fact that no matter how long its been, months or years, in between chats or meetings, we still pick up like we just saw each other or spoke the day before. Its so comforting to have a friend like that. I wish she was here. I feel like I took for granted the fact that she was always here. Now she's not, when I need her the most. I have to be a big girl now, and find my own way of dealing with this.
I am grateful for Crystal, my sister, people from my church, and all of my friends and family for their support. Each person has taught me their own lessons, and have helped me in their own ways. I think that if I had all of those people around me, I might still feel alone. Nature of the beast I guess.
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