3rd Week Down......Kind Of

Well, this week was a fail.....and it may be my last. I know.....(I will let that marinate for a minute. Ok. Are the tears dried yet? Noses blown? Faces cleaned off? Ok. I'm gonna start again.) The first day of my 4 minute run, one minute walk was amazing. I was so nervous, because I wasn't sure if I even did enough the week prior to get it done, but I did! I was so proud of myself, and then.....it happened.

Last week, if you read previously, wasn't a great week. In fact, it was pretty messy. I didn't run always when I was supposed to. I didn't do as many reps as I was supposed to. I just didn't do very well. By Sunday, this week, I was in tears.

Starting on Monday, my kids had been sick all week, and my husband was gone all week, again. One after the other, the kids were puking every night. I had been up every night, cleaning up vomit, diarrhea, giving baths, changing sheets, and on and on. So I was not confident with trying my first run, because I was so exhausted. I did my first 4/1 run, and I did great! I was pushin it towards the end, but I did it! I was so jazzed! I didn't think I would be able to do it on the first shot, but I did! I was running on fumes by Wednesday, which is when my week starts for this. On Wednesday, Jillian and I met again. I still hate her, but we have an understanding, now. I understand that she is trying to strengthen my body, and get me in shape, and I need to push a little bit harder......and she understands that if she pisses me off, I will hit the power button, and she will go bye-bye. It's a mutual respect really. When Sunday rolled around, I had to run again, for the third time. I got up in the morning, rolled straight out of bed, changed my clothes, walked to the treadmill, and started warming up. I wasn't feeling it, I felt tired, and drained, and just not with it, but I was gonna push anyways, and get it done before church. I got 2 reps done, and stopped the treadmill, put my head down, and just started sobbing through my breathing. I physically couldn't get  my body to do what I wanted it to. I was dragging my feet, I wasn't breathing right, I was hunched over, my knee was hurting every step I took and my brain was just fighting me every minute. I knew I couldn't do it. I sat there, so disappointed that I just really couldn't do it. I cried for a minute, and then got cleaned up, and continued on with the day. I received some encouraging words from some friends, that made me feel so much better, but there was another problem.

Last week, I had noticed that my knee had been starting to hurt. Not hurt, but had just been really really sore and tender, and when trying to do squats, or lunges, or anything with it, really, it would hurt even more, and pop. I had spoken with a few friends, who run, and was assured this is normal, and to just keep at it, and work through it. They had given me some tips, and sent me on my way. So, I kept at it, and each day......it hurt worse. HA! But, like a good little patient, I had a brace, I iced it, I took Advil, and Motrin, and any other thing that would possibly not compliment the other medications I was taking, HA!, I put some stinky creams on it, and I just kept goin. Well, after Sundays melt down, I got sick that night. I started vomiting, had a wicked wicked headache, diarrhea, and a fever. YAY FLU SEASON! I was out 2 days. And they just happened to be the 2 days that my husband was home, before he had to leave for another week. Today, I was finally feeling good, so I decided to give it another shot. Yes, my days were off of my schedule, but, I felt it was better to try, than to just give up. So, I ran this morning. I did the warm up, and the first rep. My knee was already pounding. Then I did the second, still hurting. Then the third, hurting more.......and then the 4th. The fourth, I hit the stop button half way through, and laid down on the ground. The pain was crawling up my leg, and down my calf, and I couldn't take it anymore. I was done.

All day, my knee has been wanting to do all kinds of painful contortion acts. It's been fun. GGRR! So, today, I have decided that enough is enough. I am going to stop running. I don't know if I will pick it back up once this has stopped hurting, or not. I'm not going to lie, I am a little bit bummed about it. Not because I loved running, but because I loved what it did for me, physically and mentally. I loved that it pushed me to my physical limits, and I had to choose (really quickly, because the treadmill doesn't stop, HA!) whether I was going to give up, or push harder. I love how happy I was. I love how proud of myself I was for doing something that was so hard for me. I even love the fact that I was disappointed when I couldn't do it sometimes! That disappointment made me fight back even harder on my next run, and prove to myself that I could do it, that I'm not weak!

Sure, this is not a HUGE thing, like completing a marathon, or anything to that caliber. I wasn't training for the Olympics or anything. The goal was never to do any huge event. The goal was to make myself happy, and see if I could do it. And sure, I did 3 weeks, and not 4, but I still did it! I am not going to push myself so hard that I hurt my body. It's not that important to me. What is important to me is finding something that is just for me, and that helps me achieve the same goal. What was important to me was to stimulate my own mind, build up my own confidence, try something new, and show myself I could do hard things, and succeed! I did all of those things!

I feel rejuvenated. I feel like I want to try something else! I feel like I want to try 100 different things, and I feel like I can do anything! I actually told my husband that I wanted to try biking. I used to do it a long time ago, and there are a lot of people at church who do it, so I thought, "Hey! Built in support system right there!" But then he looked at me and said, "Can't you run a marathon instead? It's gotta be cheaper. Why are your hobbies so expensive?!" HAHAHA! I can't really blame him for saying that, and I can't disagree, so maybe I will just walk a lot. LOL! Poor guy.

One of my favorite things from this last 3 weeks is having that point of reference, from when I first started. I was so down. I was so sad. I had no confidence. I had no drive. Everything was suffering because of it. I have 5 quilts that I need to finish and 3 more that I need to start, and I didn't care to do any of it. I stopped taking pictures, and just didn't care, because I thought I was horrible at it (eh, that thought is still lingering, but I'm working on that too). I didn't keep up with the house, because I didn't care. I was grumpy and short tempered. But, I look at when I first started, and I remember every time I would start, and by the 4th rep of every run, I remember looking around the room, smiling and thinking, "Holy crap! I'm totally doing this! I feel really good too! I can't believe I'm doing this, and I'm doing really well!" They were cheesy moments, but they made me so so happy.

I loved doing this. I kind of hope that after I get a handle on this knee thing that I continue on my own, to just do whatever I can, or whatever I want, and just run, because, why not. I can do it! Until then, I'm going to walk a lot. I'm going to jump on my treadmill, turn it up to 4.3, and walk a lot. I don't want to stop the physical activity. It feels so good, and makes me feel so alive.

So, that's it. It's done. I hope no one is too disappointed in me. It's ok if you call me a pansy under your breath. I kind of think I am too. But, I just keep thinking, too, "This isn't worth hurting yourself over. The goal was to make yourself happy, and you did it!" Hopefully, later on, I will get back to it. Resting this week, and starting to get my walk on next week! No matter what anyone is thinking, I am dang proud of myself for doin it. And THAT was what I was trying to achieve.....pride in myself. I call that a win.