Family Time

For the past few months I have been feeling so great! I have really felt a lot of improvement in my attitude, my patience, and my acceptance. I have felt that the times I felt down were fewer and farther between, and I even felt like they were becoming shorter! I just felt lighter, like a huge weight was beginning to be lifted off, and I could breath a little bit easier. But, then it hit me, out of no where, and I am struggling again.

Last weekend, I went to visit my sister, after she had her brand new baby boy, Jacob. I promised her that I would come up for a short trip (so I didn't intrude on their special time as a new family), and take some pictures of the newest bundle, and also some family pictures. I was nervous leading up to this trip, because I had never done newborn photos before. But, with a lot of encouragement, and tips, from my friend, and amazing photographer, Lisa, I did ok.....And let me tell you, newborn photography isn't for sissy's! HA! I have always loved Lisa's work, but I have a newfound respect and appreciation for what she does! I am, even more so, in awe of what she does, and the talent that she has. And I'm sure watching her, she just makes it look so stinkin easy. HA!

Anyways, I loved photographing their baby, because I was able to try something I had never done before. While I stress out about doing something new, I LOVE it. It's another opportunity to learn, and to experience something I've never gotten to before. And a bonus is that I got to snuggle that baby all I wanted, and no one tried to take him away, because I HAD to snuggle him to get him back to sleep, so I could continue photographing him. It was the best of my 2 favorite worlds colliding into one, newborn babies, and photography! Plus, she fed me meatloaf and mashed potatoes, sooooo it was pretty much a perfect trip. HA! As an even nicer bonus, I got to just hang out with their family, watch a movie, and have a really really great conversation with my brother in law, Justin.

There was one moment, the next morning, when I was snuggling him, to get him back to sleep, while we got set up for the family shot, that I stopped for a minute, and just thought, "Was Ellie this small?" And then.....my heart started to ache. My arms started to ache. My head started to ache. I just wanted to hold her again. I swallowed it down, and continued on with the family portion of the shoot, wanting that shot that was in my head. I got my settings right, I got my lens right, and I looked through the eyepiece, and....I paused again, holding back a tear. On one hand, I was looking at a happy, complete, beautiful family, who had worked so hard, and gone through so much for this one moment....their first family picture as a complete family. And on the other hand, I saw a family picture, the one that was in my head......it was the one that I wanted for my family. It was the photo that I've had in my head for 3 years now, the one that I can't take, because someone is missing. Scott was gracious enough to come over and take some photos for me, of our family, and I am beyond grateful for it, but I can't print them out yet. I can't put them up on the wall, because that would mean that our family is complete without her. So, I swallowed my emotions down, and "Click"......There it was. Cassie had given me free reign to do whatever I wanted for their family pictures, and they mean so much to me, and am so happy that they finally have their new little baby to complete their family, so I gave them the family picture that I wish I could have.

The Weems Family

I left their house, my arms aching to snuggle that baby again, to watch Jordan hold and love on his brother, to see Justin hold his newest son so gently and kiss his head, and Cassie just be the amazing mom she is to her now, two boys. I loved seeing them, and being with them. I am so excited for this new journey that their family gets to go on, and watch a new little one experience life for the very first time, and watch Jordan experience being a big brother to Jacob, and all of the firsts that come along with that.

On Monday, I had another amazing opportunity to take photos of my good friend Amy, and her family. Again, I was nervous about this session because Jacob was leaving for Brazil, for his mission, the very next day, and they haven't had family pictures, with their whole family in a few years. This was so important, and I wanted to get them right, and be as beautiful as their family is. I wanted to capture their family, and what I saw, every day that I got to be around them. So, we took an hour, and they met me at Floyd Lamb, and we did it! It felt like it went so fast.....and I think it did, too fast. I went into the session feeling very down, after reading a post on a bereavement group page, asking what everyone does for their angel babies for the holidays, to include them, or remember them. I was down because I couldn't post anything, like the other people did, about what I do for Ellie. I just want to disappear for the months of November through January, so that I don't have to face it. I just wanted my complete family for Christmas, and I was feeling like a bad mom for not having anything that we do to include Ellie in the festivities. But, I couldn't post that. It's honest, but I couldn't post that. So, instead, I had in my head the shot I wanted for this family. I set them all up, and "Click". We finished the session, and I left there just wanting one more tight hug. I probably could've hugged Amy for a good hour yesterday, which turns really awkward after about 3 minutes. HAHA!

Allan and I met our cousins at the Ethel M Chocolate Factory last night, so that our kids could see the lights of the cactus gardens. The whole ride there, I was fighting back tears, unsuccessfully, might I add, as Allan and I talked about why the day had been so hard. As we drove there, I kept thinking, "Gosh. I wish I could see her face as she saw these lights for the first time. I wish I could hear her squeals, and hold her hand, and tell her what colors they all were. I wish I could see her visit Santa for the first time this year, and watch her stand in line, in nervous anticipation, as she watched her sister and brothers sit on his lap, one by one." Last night,  I watched Elliott jump out of the car, and squeal in excitement. I watched Elliott say, "Santa!" over and over again, looking for the Santa balloons in the cactus gardens. I watched him eat lots of chocolate that he was given by the employees because he was so dang cute, he just needed more than everyone else. I watched him experience this night with such glee and excitement. The only thing he didn't get to do was sit on Santas lap, because he wasn't there that night. I wished that all 5 of my kids were running around there, being loud, and excited and.....kids. But there was one missing......there will always be one missing. There will always be one that I daydream, and wonder, what she would be doing in those moments.

I came home, and after getting the kids in bed, I sat down at my computer, I went through the photos of Amy's family, and picked one that I just loved. I loved this shot, because, different than Cassie's family, her boys are grown, or are growing up fast, and are almost ready to be all out on their own. I picked the one of Scott and Amy looking over at their amazing, sweet, handsome young men. I loved the looks on their faces, smiling, and so full of love, and admiration for their boys. Almost like, "Look what we did! We helped mold these amazing men." I cried for almost 2 hours, as I juggled texts with Amy and Lisa, checking in on me, and giving me encouragement, and trying to get the photo done. This photo was another that I had been thinking about for a very long time, for our family, but I just can't take that photo. So, I took it for another family, instead of my own. It took me so long to finish this photo, because it just needed to be perfect. It didn't turn out perfectly, but it turned out pretty good, and what I had in my head, for them. I shared the photo with Amy, and hoped that it would make her happy seeing it, after she dropped her son off at the airport early this morning, and was driving home, arms aching to hug him one more time before he left. 

The Bryan Family

I love the families that I get to photograph. I love the experience of being able to capture them, to give that gift to them of, "this is our family, who we were, right at this moment" and being able to proudly display who they are for the world to see. It's not about the props, the poses, the background, anything. Ultimately, it's just about who they are, right now, and capturing that. If I could capture this family, it would be of the boys laughing with each other, as they joke around in inappropriate ways that I won't divulge on a public forum, and their parents either joining in the joke, or laughing at them while rolling their eyes.....I may or may not have that shot in this grouping. For my sisters family, it would be Jordan laying with his brother, holding his hand, snuggling and kissing him, while Cassie is watching over the boys, smiling, making sure Jordan isn't being rough with Jacob. Meanwhile, Justin is sitting next to Cassie, making a goofball face at her, trying to make her laugh, because he loves to make her laugh.....and Cassie pretending not to see him, and trying not to laugh as loud as she can. While it's a lot of work, photographing families, its my favorite thing, I think. But, it's one of my hardest things, because I see moments in these families lives, and I wish I could capture those moments for my own family, but I can't. 

There will always be a hole in our family. For every happy moment that happens for our family, there will be an underlying sadness that almost ruins it, because I will be wishing she was there too, and I will be wishing I could see her experience that, with her brothers and sister. We go to St. George for Thanksgiving, with all of the cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles. It's chaos, but so much fun. We haven't been for Thanksgiving since we lost Ellie, because it's too hard to see all of the little cousins running around, the new additions, and all of the hustle, without being able to see her interaction with all of this, and how she would fit in with the festivities. For Christmas, we go to all 3 sets of grandparents houses in Vegas, and that's hard, for the same reasons. There's no packages under the tree for Ellie. There's no visit with Santa photo of her, with her siblings. There's no Christmas pj's, and no Christmas outfit for her. I don't even know what ornaments to get her, because ornaments represent who you are, and what you were into that year.......I don't know those things about her. In January, it's her birthday. She would've been 3 this year. I don't usually do much on her birthday. Last year, Michelle lovingly made cupcakes for our family to celebrate with, that spelled out her name. We sang "Happy Birthday", ate cupcakes, and that was it. I didn't invite anyone over, because I don't know if anyone even wants to be a part of that. That's hard and awkward for other people to be a part of. I struggle to keep bringing her up, because I don't want to take away from that happy moment to express that I am having a hard time right then. I don't want to steal that happy moment, by talking about something sad. I don't want to keep hurting my children and my husband by bringing up the hurt I feel. So, during the months of November, December and January, I stay pretty quiet, because I feel like I keep getting punched every month, and I don't want to bring that hurt upon anyone else. I want them to be happy, and I hope that eventually, that hurt that I feel won't be so overwhelming, and eventually, joy will be the overwhelming feeling.

I wish I didn't feel so discouraged by the emotional setback, but I'm praying that the joy and the happiness I had been feeling for so long, returns, and I can truly enjoy this holiday season, and experience it with my own family. I hope that soon, I can have those photos that Scott took, printed and hung, proudly, because my family is complete, with 4 children here, and one in heaven, watching over us. I am so grateful to be able to experience these families that I've gotten to photograph. These 2 women are my best friends, and mean so much to me, and I feel so blessed, and privileged, to be able to photograph a glympse of their beautiful families. While it reminds me so much of my own family, and what I long for, and it hurts, I am grateful that I get to give those gifts to them, and help them. Service is the best healer for me, and I can't get enough of it.