Virtuous Woman

Today, I tried so hard to have a positive attitude, as I have tried hard doing the last few weeks. I realize that I am the only one that can change me, so I'm really working hard. But, the last 2 days have been really hard on me. People have said things to me that they don't realize cut deep. People will make comments, and they don't realize that those are the statements that I will hear echo in my head for a week to come. I don't let a lot of people know what I'm battling inside. Funny thing is, when you are working so hard to change yourself, and you are giving everything you have to dig yourself out of a hole of desperation, it seems that that is the time that you need a cheering squad around you. But, instead, the last few days, I have heard more negativity, more backhanded compliments, and more second guessing of my ability than ever before. So, tonight, I wrapped up cleaning my house, and decided to pray. I decided to kneel down, in the quiet of my home, in the quiet of my sleeping children.....and just pray. In the quiet tonight, I got my answer. I got that cheer. I got that hand outstretched.

I have found that the harder that I push, the harder that I say, "NO!" to the thoughts that creep in, that tell me I can't do something, or that I'm too weak, or that I'm not good enough, or that I don't deserve this...........anytime I have heard these statements, I am constantly trying to yell, "NO!". But, over time, the yells have turned into, "No....?" Why is it that when you are just having a bad day, or moment, you are internally begging for your phone to ring and hear your friends voice saying, "I have been thinking about you, and wanted to check up on you. You ok?" Or to have a random knock at the door, and open it up to see a friend, or family member standing there (in my head, holding a Dr. Pepper, HA!), and say, "I just felt like I needed to stop by and give you a hug (and a Dr. Pepper)." You silently beg for that boost up, that slap in the face by that person reminding you that you are thought of, loved, special and wonderful. But, instead, there is no phone call, and there is no knock. No emails, or text messages, or instant messages. You could reach out to them, but then you just look desperate, right? That's how I feel anyways. So, I don't. Tonight, I have been having that nagging in my head, and while doing the dishes, I just started to cry. The thoughts of worthlessness were so loud, that I could barely hear the water run. I didn't know what to do! I just stood at the sink, with the water running, and cried as hard as I could. I slid down the cabinets, onto the floor, and just buried my head in my hands, and cried from my toes.

After a few minutes, I collected myself, stood up, and walked upstairs to my room. I knelt down next to the couch in my room, and just prayed. I prayed for strength, I prayed for guidance, I prayed for pride in myself again, I prayed for my friends and family, for them to be prompted and guided to know what to do, or how to help me. I prayed for my husband and my children, that they would always know that I am working for, not only myself, but for them, so that I can be the kind of wife, mother and woman that I need to be, and want to be. I prayed to know how to help myself........and then, it came. Proverbs 31:10-31.

My favorite scripture is Proverbs 31:10-31. Did anyone know that? No, probably not. HAHA! I remember being around 13 years old, and hearing this scripture in church, in Young Women's, about a virtuous woman. That scripture changed me. It changed my outlook of my life. It pointed me in a direction that I wanted my life to go. It opened my eyes to what kind of woman I want to be. When I prayed tonight, it came to my mind, "Be the virtuous woman that you are, and the rest will happen."

Proverbs 31:10-31 says:

 10 ¶Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

 11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

 12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

 13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her^ahands.

 14 She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

 15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

 16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

 17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

 18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

 19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

 20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

 21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

 22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her ^aclothing is silk and purple.

 23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

 24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

 25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

 28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also,and he praiseth her.

 29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

 30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

I read that scripture again, and verses 25-31 jumped out at me. THAT is the kind of woman that I want to be. THAT is the kind of woman I am working so hard to become. That is the woman I have always wanted to become. In verse 31, it says, "Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates." I want this work to mean something! I want to mean something.

I know that there will be people who are always willing to say, "You're not good enough", "You're not pretty enough", "You're not smart enough", "You're not thin enough", "You're just not enough". Like, the man at the Sony store, who scoffed at me when I told him, upon buying my new toy, that, "it was a waste to buy it if I'm not going to charge people for the product." He assumed I was just some wife of a guy who thought a nice camera would make all of the photo's better. He didn't know what I wanted to do with that camera. He didn't know if I had any talent at all, or not. He was just quick to judge, and put me down. Should it matter what this stranger thinks of me, or says.....maybe not. Or, when I tell someone I'm having a hard time with a goal to run, and get my own body to produce the things that I should be producing. When I tell them that I'm trying to create my own positivity, my own confidence, my own pride in myself......they laugh, and say, "that's why they created Prozac".....should it matter that they just don't fully understand? Maybe not. Or when things in my life are breaking, dumb things, and someone is quick to blame me for the problem, instead of realizing, it was just going to happen, and I didn't do anything wrong. When these people feel the need to bring negativity, and hurt to me, I need to feel strong enough, graceful enough, confident enough, to KNOW that I'm doing my very best, and it is good enough, and I am good enough, and I am a quality woman. If I have all of those things, the negative words cannot hurt me, because I know who I am. I am a daughter of Heavenly parents. I am a child of God. When I meet my Father, when I die, I want him to hug me, and say, "I am proud of you daughter." I need to exude that.

Tonight was hard. It shouldn't have been, but enough had built up, that it spilled over. But, maybe it was necessary. I'm ready to work hard again. I'm ready to keep building, to keep getting stronger, and to be happy. Eventually, I will embrace the happiness, and be ok with being happy. I'm learning how to let go of the guilt I feel when I am happy, and just be. I owe it to myself to put in the work.......I'm worth it. And I welcome the work.