Disconnected

Have you ever had that feeling that you are just a spec in this universe? I think we all have, right? But, have you ever had that feeling that you were pretty darn important, and that the world MIGHT actually stop if you weren't around? Ok.......Not gonna lie, I've never had the second feeling. HA! I've felt important, and loved, and needed, in moments of my life. Here's a bigger question. Have you ever felt connected to either the world, or to a person, or to just life? That is a question I have been asking myself for the whole month, and thinking about what that means. My answer is a little shocking, and even a bit disappointing to myself.

About 3 weeks ago, I was at church, sitting in the library talking to a woman about the lesson I had just given in Relief Society the week prior. She told me that she loved the lesson, and loved how I was able to share such personal experiences and feelings with women that I didn't know, and I didn't know how they would receive the messages I was delivering in such a raw way. I let her know that I was scared to death, that I don't like to share what I'm feeling with others very much, but, I had prayed about it, and I really really felt that what I shared was what they needed to hear, and what my Father would have me teach them. The conversation went on, that way. First she would tell me what she thought I presented information, and what she thought I meant by that, or why she thought I said that.......and then I would tell her what the motivation really was behind it, and really what was inside of my head, when I said those things.

About 20 minutes into the conversation, she said, "Laurie. I just admire you. I think you are such a brave woman. You are so confident, and happy, and lovely. You handle every task given to you with such grace, and love. You handle everything with a smile.....almost like you are welcoming of the challenge." I didn't know what to say at that compliment, except that I felt it was an untrue assessment of me. I told her, "You know, I'm not confident at all. I am scared to death of sharing anything with anyone. I am scared of judgment, so I don't speak. I am scared of challenges. And when I smile, it's really just a mask that I can't take off anymore, because I've done it for so long, trying to hide what I am really feeling. I am not confident, in fact, I am so far from confident. I second guess every decision I make. I never think I'm good enough, so I don't do a lot of things that I want to do. I think I am ugly. I think I am awkward. I think I am stupid. And I think that no one will ever see that I am worth knowing." (if it makes you feel any better, the conversation had gotten deep way before I said any of this. HAHA!) She was really shocked by what I said. After she thought for a minute, she asked, "Well, if you are sure that no one will ever see that you are worth knowing, then why tell them such personal things?" I said, "I tell them those things, because I hope to change their minds. I hope that by telling people, that maybe.......just maybe, I will find a connection with someone, and they will care. There is a lot of me that knows that these thoughts are untrue, and I know that if I give into them, and stop trying, then I am as weak as my thoughts tell me I am."

I've thought about that short blip of a conversation for weeks now, and it's really festered in my head. At first, I was bothered that her perception of me was so wrong. But then, I wondered if that is really the image that I am portraying of myself. And then I realized, it is! I want everyone to think that I am strong, and can handle anything. I want people to think that I am confident in myself, so that they will be confident in me too. I put the smile on, so people won't know what a train wreck I am on the inside. I try to be funny, because I think that I have nothing else to offer. I look around at other women at church, or the grocery store, or classes, or anywhere, and they look so put together, so on top of things, so kind and gentle with their children, and just.......so not me. I am a jeans and tshirt, plain jane, no nonsense with my kids, and no nothing kind of girl. But, secretly, I wish I was those women. I stare at them, and study them, and wonder how come I didn't get a classy gene. HAHA! I just got me.

Allan has been traveling for the last 7 weeks, I think, Monday through Friday, and only home on the weekends. While he's been gone, this feeling of needing to connect with someone, has turned into a desperation to connect with someone. I have even felt a disconnect from him. Things have changed over the last few months, and it's a little jarring. He comes home from his trips, and he's not the same person. He changes with each trip. This last weekend home, I listened to him put the kids to bed, and I realized he hadn't told them a story in a long time. Allan used to make up the silliest, goofiest, most imaginative stories for the kids, every night at bedtime. They couldn't wait to hear one! He used to be silly with them, and play with them, freely. Now, when he plays, it's like another job sometimes. It's shorter. I feel like my job is to keep the house functioning, and everything turning perfectly while he's away, to make his life easier, and better. When he calls at night, I don't tell him what's going on here very much, because I see the stress on his face, and it terrifies me. I don't want to add to it. But, what I do want to tell him is.....I miss him. I miss my family, and how it used to be. I miss my friends that have all moved on without me. I miss my family, my mother, my sister, my dad and stepmom, my younger sister and brother. They're all moving and spinning their own lives, and growing and changing, and I feel sometimes.....disconnected from them. I feel like everyone has some purpose that they are trying to accomplish, and my purpose in life, right now, is not very fulfilling for me. I have no direction. My direction is to survive. I feel like I don't matter in the grand scheme of things. That, I have no REAL connection with anyone. That I just have connections with people, depending on the moments that present themselves, but not......not the type of connection I truly want.

Growing up, I moved a ton. Secretly, I always wanted that best friend that I would grow up with, that has known me since I was in grade school. I wanted her and I to go on road trips together, and our kids to be best friends. I wanted her to come stay over with me, when my husband was out of town. I wanted her to just come over because she KNEW I needed her, without me having to tell her I needed her. I never had that. I don't know anyone, besides my family, that has known me my whole life. That knows every embarrassing moment I've had. That knows what makes me cry, what makes me silly, what drives me, anything. I don't have that, and I feel, sometimes, that I am always searching for that. THAT is the connection I wish I had. Sometimes, I feel like my whole life has been to survive, and for a purpose, other than to just have fun and experience things, and people. I have always felt like I was on the outside, and not good enough to come in.

I want to connect to people. I think that's why I like doing service. Service is something personal you can do for someone. It is helping someone in a dark time in their lives, whether it's doing laundry, mowing their lawn, helping them move, or just sending them a card in the mail......just something to let them know that you love them, and you want to help them to smile, and feel loved. But, I feel like with schedules being what they are, I have had to let go of connections. I used to be able to drop things and come running, and now, I can't. People used to always praise me that I could come running whenever they needed me to. But now, those people are nowhere to be found, and they aren't working to try to run to me. That's part of needing to feel like you are important too. I jump at the opportunity to do service when I can, because it makes me feel alive again. It makes me feel needed. It makes me feel like I do have a talent that is useful to someone else. It makes me feel like I can just make someone smile just by being me, my true self.

I know that everyone has a season, and I know that my time is coming, and I just need to be patient. But, that lack of connection, that deep friendship, that deep love, that relationship, it hurts me that I don't feel it with anyone. I feel like I am just a speck in people's lives. I am a face that looks familiar, but you can't figure out where you know me. I am that person that people know in the hallway, but never know my name. I am so afraid that friendships that I have, that are important to me, are just throw away friendships to those friends. That they are great relationships in the moment, but that they aren't strong enough to get through any hard time. And because I have that insecurity, I struggle to try to have any relationships. It's a lonely feeling.

I think that woman I was talking to at church is right about a few things though. I am brave. I am not confident in anything I say or do, but I just keep doing it because I have to grow, and learn, and be better. I hate sharing my feelings, and putting myself out there, because I'm scared to death of rejection....but, if I don't put myself out there, I may miss out on those connections that I long to have. I think that sometimes I handle things with grace, but then other times, I only make it look that way. I think, especially with me, looks can be deceiving. I wish people knew that, and realized that, so that they can help me peel away the mask. Doing it alone, it feels like the mask is super glued on and I don't know how to get it off.

I believe that we always need to have that vision of what kind of person we want to be, and what kind of person we want to give off to others. My ideal self is:

1. Confident
2. Graceful
3. Beautiful
4. Funny
5. Proud
6. Christlike
7. Soft
8. Fun
9. Compassionate
10. Smart
11. Hard Working
12. Loyal

I am working on those things. If I am exuding those things, then I guess I need to work on feeling it on the inside too. I know that if I felt it, for myself, then possibly, those negative feelings, and feelings of insecurity will melt away........because it won't matter. I will be happy, and at peace with my own self.

We all want that connection to the universe, but sometimes, in order to get that connection to the universe, we need need to find that connection to ourselves. I think that once we do that, then the universe will open its arms to us, and envelop us with love.