New Project for 2014

A little while ago, I said I was going to try to make 2014 a more positive year (I was going to try really hard to do this, anyways.). I really wanted everything that I've been feeling, better managed, and what better way, than with a better attitude. I wanted my life back. I wanted my happy back.

Over the last month or so, I've had some terrible anxiety attacks, more often than I'd care to admit. I know they are anxiety attacks, and not heart attacks...because I just made that comparison. HAHA! Also, I know I am on the verge of  moving on, from always being sad about Ellie, and things are changing in that regard. I used to think of Ellie, and it would drop me to my knees, with sadness. But, I think of her now, and I'm actually happy. I am ok with her not being on this Earth with us. I know she has work to do, and I have work to do, but I am holding up the work, by holding on to this sadness. She's not sad! So, why am I?! I have had a harder time with the statement, "Honor your baby", or "a way to honor your baby". I used to want to do everything in "honor" of her. But, to be honest, my friend was right. The best way I can honor her is by doing good works, and by letting go of this sadness. She can't move on to do her work, if she's constantly worried about me. She's ok. I will be with her again. However, I can learn from this experience, and do good works! I can do something positive with this new knowledge, and new experience, to help others. That is what we are supposed to do! Help others! And that's what I love to do. So I'm going to, and I'm going to in ways that I feel I can do the most good.

What does this have to do with anxiety attacks? I will tell you. First off, I have depression. I do. I used to be ashamed of it, like it was a weakness. And some days, I'm still angry about it, and I feel like it's a weakness. But most days, it's just something I have to deal with. It's constant battles in my head, but I'm used to it, so I just feel it, deal with it, and move on (sometimes moving on takes a week or so. SORRY!). But, for the last 3 years, that depression has worsened to disastrous levels. I have gotten used to being sad, because that's what I thought I deserved. That's what I thought I should be. That's what I was worth. I didn't feel deserving of happiness. I felt guilty for laughing, smiling, or doing anything that I enjoyed, that was just for me. I didn't even buy new clothes for myself, if I needed them, because I didn't deserve them. So, now that I feel this freedom to move on from being sad about Ellie, and doing good works, I don't want to be sad anymore. But, I can't. My brain is so used to one way of thinking, that I feel like I can't get it to let me feel happiness......only sadness. Even that statement of "honoring your baby" has actually hurt my own grieving process. It has hurt any potential to move forward with my own life. It makes me feel as though, if I don't do something special for her on every holiday, or include her in every family event, photo, or otherwise, that I'm a bad mother, and in turn, not honoring her.  For me, I think the anxiety is coming from the fact that my brain is so used to doing one thing, and I want it to do another. I can honestly say that every time I want to be happy, my head says, "What are you doing?! Stop it! You're hurting your daughter!" It's been louder and louder lately, and it's causing shear panic! When, in reality, the best way I can honor her, is to let her go. So, in my non-medical opinion, just knowing myself, I need to reprogram myself. And what better way, than with positive thinking (and therapy....a lot of therapy. HA!).

I came up with an idea several years ago, to help me with  my body issues. I was 135 pounds, 6ft tall, and I thought I was so fat. It was stupid. So, I noticed I was starting to get unhealthy, with my thinking and with the way I looked. So, I threw the scale away, and every day, I stood in the mirror, and I said, one thing I liked about myself, physical or mental. I learned that my favorite things about myself are my hair and my eyes, and as far as personality, I always want, and try to, help everyone. After a while, I was more positive with  my thoughts regarding myself, and even others. I complimented my friends and family more, my attitude was less negative, and I was much more easy going! I stopped caring about the number, and started caring about certain areas. If I didn't like how my stomach looked, I changed my diet and did some sit ups. If I hated my butt, I again, changed my diet, and did some lunges and stairs. It's not hard! There was no diet to fail (which I always will, and it will add to the depression), and no gimmicks. It was just changing my way of thinking a little, and learning to be ok with me, at any weight! And, after a while, I was! By doing this, I was more willing to continue a work out routine, because I was able to allow it to make me happy, instead of it being a torturous job. I am not the most in shape person, but I think I look great, I feel great, and those things are all that matter! So, I decided I would do that again this year, but include photography. I'm taking selfies to a whole other level. The therapy level. HA!

I hate having my picture taken....for anything. I think I look horrible, I think I am awkward, and gangly, and just not cute. I especially hate my nose, HA! So, I decided to tackle the thing I hate the most, but with a positive spin. So, every week, I am going to take a self portrait, and I am going to post what about that photo of myself I love, and/or why I believe it describes me that week.......something to that effect. And if it's not a self portrait, it'll be a photo of something that, again, would describe me, or my journey that week. This is a new idea for me, so it is subject to change. HAHA! I want this to go the whole year, but lets be honest. If it goes for 2 months, that is still longer than I've ever lasted doing anything, except writing this blog. HAHA! So, here goes nothin. Here is my pre-week one photo:

I took this photo because this is what I want to feel like at the end of this year. I want to feel at peace, happy, relaxed, and proud. I have flaws, and I am wounded, but I want anyone that I meet, to know the inside and out of me, and have what I exude be what they know of me....not the hard, dark stuff. I want to be that person who people say, "I can't believe she's gone through all of that, because she is so happy, and sweet and lovely. You would never know it!" This photo is what I want the end result to be. Just happiness. In this photo, I see a lovely person. I see a happy person. I want to know why she's smiling. I want to know what she's thinking of that made her smile. I want to know how she got so calm, and relaxed while someone took her photo. I want to know how her eyelashes are so freaking awesome!! HA!

I took this photo of myself. I closed my eyes, and thought about Ellie, and what she would want to see from me. I thought about my four other children, and my husband, and how they would want to see their mother, and wife. I imagined myself in the arms of my family, all complete, and together, and this is the photo I got. It's not perfect, but it's perfect for what it is. It's my goal, for my life.

Confident, relaxed, at ease, beautiful, and happy......and feeling deserving of all of that. It'll be a long road, but I know I can do it! I want to do it.