The Past Isn't So Bad

Recently, I've been thinking more and more about my past and things that have happened in my past. Especially, during the inactive years. I don't know why, but occasionally I think about it, and who I would be without having gone through or experienced some of the things I did. My sister and I got to talk a little bit, recently, about what we were both going through at about the same times in our lives. It's funny. We both lived out here at the same time, and were around the same people, yet, we rarely saw each other. And even more rarely spoke to each other.

During that time of my life, I didn't have good communication with my mother, father or siblings, especially my older sister. I moved, back out to Las Vegas, just as soon as I graduated. The opportunity presented itself, and I took it. I came out here, expecting my path to continue as it did in California, but I made some wrong choices, that I thought, at the time, weren't great decisions, but that I could change the outcome. I couldn't. I tried really hard, for a long time, to pretend that I was a "good girl" or "goody goody". To the people I hung around with, I was, compared to them!

The unfortunate thing, is that they knew I really was a good person, and I really wanted to do good, but they also knew that I was still trying to figure out who I REALLY was. I let them influence me more and more, to the point that I had no idea who I was anymore. And to the point that when I came out the other side, I had to figure it out all over again. I was so lonely, that I wanted to just be around anyone, and they wanted to be around me.

One amazing blessing, or 2, or 3, were some people that I had met at work. Well, one girl in particular. She recognized me, and I her, from our very first ward, out in Henderson. I think we were Sunbeams together,and on up. We got to know each other again, and she invited me out with her and her friends, Clint and Pat. We all became fast friends, but I still always felt like an outsider. I felt like I was a terrible terrible person. I remember one night, sitting in Clint's house, in the dark, probably at about 1am. We started talking about everything. I don't know how we got on the subject. But it all came pouring out of me. From that night on, I was at his house almost every night, and he would come up with any creative way to talk about the gospel and bring it all back into focus for me.

After I had come to the realization of where my place REALLY was, I agreed to go back to church with them, to the Henderson single's ward. I don't know if Clint remembers, or knows, but I was NERVOUS!! I was just petrified, and ashamed and every emotion I could come up with. I did not want to be there, but I went anyways. Afterward, I was talking with Clint and I told him I was happy to go, but that I still felt out of place. I couldn't help but look around at all of the girls, my age, doing things right, and I didn't. He really just listened, and tried to get me to go talk to the Bishop, but I refused. Even after all of that, I went back, and went back and went back. Clint finally convinced me to talk to the Bishop, and I did. It was so freeing. I finally felt like I could breath.

Well, Clint and Pat went on their missions, and Amanda and I continued to work together and be friends. That friendship faded, although I still miss it terribly. While the boys were on their missions, I wrote them probably 3 times a week, emails and letters. I sent packages and random things to them. I clung to them so hard, because I just didn't want to lose those feelings of doing the right things. While they were on their missions, I met Allan. We started dating, and fell in love and eventually got engaged. Clint and Pat came home from their missions. We laugh about it now, because, I wrote Clint a letter, informing him that I've fallen in love with someone and I can't wait to marry him. I couldn't stop writing about how much I loved this man. The times that I spent building my testimony again, with Clint, prepared me to meet my husband and marry in the temple.

The day that I married in the temple, was the most emotional day of my life. It was a difficult day, but it was the most exhilarating day. It was difficult in the fact that it was lonely. My parents couldn't attend the temple with me, for my endowments and our sealing. The days leading up to that day, I was so scared and emotional. It was difficult to have my husbands family helping me get ready to be married, instead of my own. It was difficult to walk into the largest room they had at the St. George temple, and see only my future husbands family. I remember scanning the room, almost TRYING to find anyone that I knew, with so much anxiety. And sure enough, there was Clint. Sitting and beaming. I was so much more relaxed. He was smiling so large, and so happy for me. But even on top of that, I knew that my family was there. My family in Heaven. I could feel them beaming with excitement, as they looked upon Allan and I being sealed. They were waiting for me to get this part of my life in order, so that I could help them get their work done. In that room, that day, I felt whole. I felt like I had finally found myself, and who I am supposed to be. I felt............home.

My friendship with Pat faded and has finally come back around, which I am so grateful for. My friendship with Amanda has faded, and I haven't talked to her in a really long time. But, my friendship with Clint, has faded and regained all over again. I never want to lose his friendship. He means more to me, than I can ever put into words. He has changed my life and I love him dearly for it. I owe him everything.

So now, at 29 years old, I have learned, the past isn't so bad. I can't change what I did, and if I could, would the outcome be the same? Would I be the same person I am now? Would my testimony be as strong, or my faith be as strong? Would I have met my husband or have my children or have the relationships that I do? I don't know. I don't want to know. I'm happy with what I have. I embrace what happened in the past, most of it, HA! I am positive about it, because out of that bad, came the most amazing good that has ever happened to me. I am sealed to my wonderful husband, and we have 3 beautiful children, my relationship with my mother, father and older sister is amazing, and I have a strong testimony of Heavenly Father's plan for me and all of us. What else do I need?

What I learned, a long time ago is, out of every bad, comes a good. You just have to be open enough to recognize the good and do good with it.

 

I really love Heavenly Father's blessings. Aren't they cute?!