Today, as I sit on the couch, in a fog, unable to smile, and unable to cry anymore, I stare at the clock sitting above the fireplace. The clock that was her uncle's , that hung in his house, before he passed away, almost 3 years ago. I stare at that clock thinking about everything I was doing each moment. I try to remember what I was thinking about each minute that passes by, re-living the day. Almost all of the same emotions come back to me, except now, I have a bit more depression and a bit more anger.
It's 10:58a. About an hour ago, I had gotten the epidural. My sweet husband held me up, as I buried my face in his chest, hunched over, while the anesthesiologist felt my spine, looking at where he should put the cathader. I can remember sobbing and sobbing, saying, "I'm not ready for this. I don't want to do this. I'm not ready for this" while my sister, mother and mother-in-law looked on helplessly (I think they were in the room, but I really don't know. I assume they were.) Allan just loved me and held me while I lost it a little bit. I remember my nurse standing next to Allan, tightly, and held my hand and kept saying words of encouragement. I just wanted the whole experience over with. Now I would give anything to have it back. I would give anything to hold her again, to stroke her sweet, chubby cheeks, marvel at her wavy black hair, outline her tiny ears, and nuzzle her little perfect, sweet nose.
Today will be torture for me. I feel like I know, down to the time, everything I was doing just one week ago, today. I wish I could turn back time, go back to that day and just hold her forever. But it wouldn't make me feel better. That day, I wished I could turn back time another week, and would've been induced. Then I would have my little girl with us. She would probably be coming home a week later, but she would be coming home. Is that sick to think? She would've had to stay in the hospital for a week, but at least she would've come home? I don't know. It's just how I feel.
I am dreading every moment of today, I can't even try to find the positive in today, except for my husband. The poor man has been tirelessly trying to help me, and make me feel better. I know he feels responsible for some of my sadness, thinking he's pushing me too fast to have the kids home, and to get out of the house and all of those things. I think, even though, it's agonizing for me to do those things, it's what I need. I know I won't push myself, so I need him to push me. I feel bad for him. I feel like I am so focused on myself that I don't remember he is grieving too, and I feel like I don't give him that shoulder to lean on. I am the luckiest woman in the world. I have heard of other couples having a harder time, so hard that they divorce or there is a huge wedge shoved between them. One thing I am confident on is, I know my husband loves me, and I love him, and we will make it through this together.
1 week old, but it feels like yesterday. Your parents love you so much, and miss you terribly......my little Ellie Belly. I wish we could snuggle you and stare at you, and be shocked at how big you've gotten in a week. I know, deep down, we will get to see you again, and learn about the wonderful girl that you are.
6 comments:
Yes, I would think today would be a very difficult day. It must seem like time and life are moving on, ready or not. Take your time to mourn and heal - you're definitely justified!
Much love.
She is beautiful and perfect. Take your time to mourn and heal on your own terms. We love you guys.
Dearest Laurie I wish I could be on that couch with you just a silent support. Go ahead and be sad IT'S OKAY don't apologize. Especially because you can still think of how blessed you are. As soon as you can't think of a single thing that's good THEN call me and I'll tell you how AMAZING you are because you are! You have made such a hugeungus impact on my life and I couldn't BEGIN to tell you in this note. I also want you to try to know that nothing you did it didn't do would have changed the outcome. Why? Because Heavenly Father knows how amazingly good hearted and strong beyond measure and He had this beauttiful glorious little angel that was so good that she only needed to come to earth to get her body to enjoy the joyous slender of the celestial kingdom! It was no accident she was sent to you Laurie because He knows how wonderful you are and you would eventualy laugh and joke and play again.You will don't you worry. It who you are. It doesn't mean you love your baby any less. of course not! Or that you'll forget her. Never! It only shows how MUCH love you are capable of. You love your baby girl, love your kids, lobe your husband and you love and care for everyone! You're ALWAYS thinking of others. Their feelings, their concerns even at a time like this! Heavenly Father knows this about you and He loves you for it. Trust Him. Pray to Him. Everything will be okay. your little darling girl is now an angel in Heaven happy and doing good. And she's yours forever (o; Isn't that AMAZING?! SHE'S YOURS F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!! The thought makes me want to laugh out loud and sing (o; (o; (o; Eventualy you will too...and probably add some goofy jokes too ;oj So its ok BE sad for now. But then let yourself BE happy a tiny bit at a time each day. Love you!
-Kellie
Ugh...one week... Wish we had a 10 day rewind button. I am praying for you and miss you terribly! YW's is just too quiet without you. :o) Norma shared some amazing thoughts in her talk today. I hope we can be angels for you during these hard times.
It's weird, growing up I thought my dad was the strongest guy I knew (I think we all think that about our dads). I now think you and Allan are the strongest people I know. Your trials have been so great and your load has been so heavy at times I wept for you. The most amazing part is your still you. It's kinda like when guys go to war, or prison, or are forced to live on the streets their trials are hard and afterwards the are hard and callus and have list touch with humanity. Not you though, even though the waters are still ruff you guys are still th3 mist giving, loving, understanding people i know.. I realize that you may not feel like it, but i asssure you that you are the strongest folks I know. So if you have a moment today flex the guns like the hulkster and say " what's the haps brother" cause you.guys are spiritully and emotionaly ripped! Plus...acting like the hulk alwayscheers me up. Love you.guys, and we are right behind you.
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