Ready or Not, Here They Come

Yesterday was a pretty eventful day. I can't say it was a good or bad day. My feelings are still pretty indifferent.

I woke up yesterday morning and wrote, as usual. Allan messaged me and said he was awake and to come and snuggle him. I finished what I was writing and then went upstairs to be with him. When I walked in the room, he wasn't in bed. Instead, he was sitting in front of the computer, reading what I had just wrote. I thought he would start crying, because he always does after he finishes reading my postings, but this time he didn't. He let out a big sigh, and went and blew his nose, and then came and got into bed with me. He lay down and was just quiet. I asked him if he was ok, and he just wasn't sure if he wanted to talk with me, sit and cry or what. We just talked. During the conversation, I had mentioned that my sister thought it would be a good idea for us to go out by ourselves, while we had the opportunity, without the kids. However, my sister wanted me to go out with her that afternoon, to the mall and return some things and look for some other things. So I told him, since I knew he probably didn't want to go shopping with us and had said he wanted to start on some work, that I could go out with my sister and he could stay home and work, in the quiet, and then we can go out to dinner or something and then.............sigh........pick up the kids. It was the last part that made him just stop and stare at me. He said he thought that was a good idea, and if I was sure I wanted to pick up the kids. I told him I wasn't sure and I was scared to pick up the kids, but I knew he really wanted them home, so we can go get them. There was very little said after that, that I can remember, except for maybe some strategic planning of the day, but that's it.

I went out to lunch with my sister, and we talked about the same stuff we always talk about, which is always good for her and I, and then we were off to the mall. We returned her things to Sears and then I decided we needed to look for a pink dress for Sarah (I can't believe the girl doesn't have one!) and pink shirts and ties for the boys, since Allan wants everyone to wear pink to the service. We went from store to store to store looking for those things. I finally found something that I loved and I thought Sarah would love, but it was $70.00. Isn't that always the way? I just didn't want to spend that much money on one dress and jacket on a 5 year old, who isn't in a wedding or something. So back it went. I did find 2 ties, that look similar to the one Allan is wearing, so that made me feel a little bit of accomplishment.

Cassie dropped me off at home, and went upstairs to see what Allan was doing. He was just now getting out of the shower. HA! He got dressed and then came and lay with me in bed. We talked about how he called the mortuary and asked for the dress that Ellie was put in after she was born. We really wanted that back, because a sweet person spent the time making it, and it WAS her take-home outfit, really. So we wanted to make sure we got it back and were able to put it in her box. He said he talked to them and they said they would put it aside for us.Then he told me that his mom wanted to come over and clean the bathrooms that evening. I was very unopposed to that. We kind of just hung out, waiting for the visitors to come that night, like they always do.

Allan's co-worker brought over a lens he had rush delivered for the camera he got. He had it rushed because he wanted it before the baby was born. He wanted to make sure that he could take good pictures of her, and since our old camera was too slow, he needed a new one. The lens had just gotten here, and was delivered to his work. So she brought it over for us. She visited with us for a little bit and was really sweet. After she left, Sis. Bryan came by with 3 of my Beehive girls, Becky, Hali and Adelaid. I could tell they were a little nervous, but happy to be there. I got hugs from all of them and then heard about the program for New Beginnings that night, and what parts they had. It was really nice to talk to them. I enjoyed being able to see them. Just as soon as they left, Norma Spendlove walked through the door with her dinner for the evening. I just love her. She is just the funniest lady. I have really enjoyed having a calling with her. And finally, after Norma left, Allan's mom, Becky, walked through the door, armed and ready to clean the upstairs bathrooms. We all chatted and she cleaned, and it was nice. I talked to her about what was going on, and what I was feeling about things. It was a good time. We invited her out to dinner with us, and she accepted.

We all left to go to Olive Garden, with the assumption that Cliff would meet us there. We all arrived there, and Cliff followed through the doors. We sat and talked about work, and the planning of the service, and life. All the while, as dinner was coming to a close, I was getting more and more nervous knowing we were going to pick up the kids afterwards. We all left Olive Garden, and I got quiet as we got on the freeway, and then started crying. Allan asked me what I was thinking.........I just felt ugly telling him what I was thinking. I hesitated and then told him, "I feel like I killed one of my children, so why should I be trusted with the other 3?" I told him that I was petrified to have them home. I'm so afraid that I will hurt one of them. I just don't trust myself anymore as a parent. He just put his hand on me, as I cried and said, "no no no! You are a great mother. God took her from you, you didn't hurt her. He took her, not you." But his words didn't mean anything to me, because I didn't believe them. My stomach just knotted more and more. and I cried harder and harder, as we got closer to my mom's house. I felt like I had let my children down. They wanted that baby so badly, and I had let them down. The embarrassment came back, that I didn't have a belly and I didn't have a baby. I felt myself slunk down a little bit more in passenger seat. I was just hunched over and biting my nails.

My body ached as I walked up the driveway and to the front door. I wiped my face and walked in. Whew, they weren't down stairs. They didn't know I was there yet. I assumed they were upstairs in the bath and that gave me a few more minutes of not having them. And then, all of the sudden, I heard the pounding of all of their feet running to the stairs. There they were, all bounding down the stairs to give Allan and I hugs. Sarah, of course, clung on to Allan, and Luke got his hugs and then came and sat with me and Taylor ran over, by passing daddy, and latched on to me and snuggled. Sarah finally came and sat next to me and hugged me. She looked at me and innocently asked, "Mommy, is your tummy still fat?" I said, "Nope, not anymore." She looked at me, and then looked down at my stomach and studied it for a little bit, and then ran back over to Allan. It began. We sat and talked for a second, while my mom was finishing to pack up their things. We said our goodbye's and got them in the car. Allan was outside in the car with them, as I lingered a little longer in my mom's house, saying goodbye. Finally, I got in the car, Allan grabbed my hand and we drove away.

The whole way home I was very quiet, and only looking straight forward. My thoughts were going a million miles an hour. I couldn't get my head to stop. I just wanted the thoughts to stop. I was thinking that there should be 4 car seats in the car. There should be 4 children in the car. How could I let this happen??? Then I started thinking about driving the kids around and I was petrified to do that! How could I do that? What if I get in an accident, while they're in the car? I can't handle that! And the thoughts just continued, more and more and more, and faster and faster. I told Allan what I was thinking and started to quietly cry again. He said he thought that this is finally where we are going to have to really deal with Eleanor's death. Having our children back is putting it in front of us that we don't have an infant carrier in there, we don't need to move the car seats around anymore, we don't have 4 kids with us. I am not ready for this, but it didn't matter, I have to have them home. I have to begin life again.

We came home, and put the boys in bed. Allan wanted to let Sarah stay up for a little bit longer so he could snuggle her. She climbed up on his lap and under her blanket and they chatted about everything she could think of. I sat on the other couch not saying a word. I didn't know what to say to her. As I watched our big girl, be a big girl, I was getting more and more sad that I let her down. I took her little sister away from her.

I am sitting here at 7:00am, like I have every day since I came home Sunday evening, writing on my blog, trying to remember everything I can, before the next few minutes happen and I forget it. However, this morning, as I write, I know it's not the best job I've ever done, because I'm so distracted with the knot in my stomach, because I'm so nervous to hear the sound of the kids waking up and I will have to be a mom again. I hate that word today, mom or mommy. I am dreading hearing it. I am scared of what the day will bring and the questions that will be asked of me, and all of the things that kids do. I just don't feel ready. But it doesn't matter. They are here now. I have to just do it. Right??? It will get better with time. Right???

I'm trying to convince myself that it will all be ok, and eventually, things will get back to some sort of normal. My nervous feelings will go away and I won't give it a second thought, eventually. But right now, all I can think of is, why did He do this to me? Why is this happening to me? God never gives you more than you can handle, right? I'm not sure I can handle this. But I have to, and I will be fine. I have to know that somewhere inside, or I will continue in this depression and never come out of it. I have to keep writing my feelings down, because if I keep them inside, they will fester and the attitude that I am choosing to have will quickly wilt and turn into the attitude that I can't have.

Time to go upstairs, I can hear someone walking around up there. Wish me luck!