Eleanor Beverly Rogers

Sunday morning, at 1:30a, I went into Summerlin Hospital to check on my little girl. I hadn't felt her move all day. After eating breakfast, usually she moves and kicks, but I didn't think much of it. I had been going and going all day, and hadn't really noticed, however, when I get home that night, I noticed more that her little kicks were nowhere to be found. We got into bed later that night and I drank and ate and still nothing. Allan convinced me that I needed to go in and have her checked out. I felt so stupid going in for that, because I knew, as soon as I hit the parking lot of the hospital, she would start moving again.

I got up to Labor and Delivery and they hooked me up to the machines. They couldn't find the heart beat with the little paddles they velcro onto your tummy, so they called in a lady who does ultra sounds. She was trying to find the spot where the heart beat was at. She didn't say anything for the longest time. My eyes continued to get bigger and bigger, and I got more and more anxious. Finally, she looked at me and said, "I can't find any cardio activity."

They left me alone for a minute to call who I needed to. I messaged Allan immediately and said, "Call Basia and have her come over. You have to come NOW." I told him what they said and he was panicked. He called my mom and asked her to come and watch the kids to relieve Basia. My mom ended up coming to the hospital and my wonderful step-dad, Wayne, filled in.

They moved me to a private room and told me that my doctor said to go ahead and induce and take very good care of me, which they did, and even though she wasn't working that night and she was really sick, she would still come in and deliver for me. They gave me the option of sleeping through it or doing a normal delivery. I opted for the normal delivery. I wanted to see her and be with her. The nurses told me that as soon as they got confirmation from the ultra sound tech, they would begin inducing me with Pitocin and all that.

There were so many questions in preparation for this that I couldn't answer. Like, do you want an epidural? Do you want her on your chest when she comes out or do you want us to clean her up first and then give her to you? Even the question of, are you comfortable, I couldn't figure out what to say.

Things couldn't have gone easier. I was really uneasy about having the epidural, considering my past history with them, but, Dr. Henry did a WONDERFUL job. He was so sympathetic to all of my concerns and wanted to make me as comfortable as he could. My nurses were..........ugh.........I can't say enough nice things about my nurse, Tammy. She wasn't even supposed to work that day. They called her in, from Sacrament (yup, she's Mormon). She wasn't going to take the call, but she felt prompted to. She started her shift with us, and ended her shift wheeling me out to my car. She was the most amazing nurse I've ever had. She was so compassionate and loving, and caring. I hope to see her again sometime soon as she really made me feel so loved. She was such a huge and needed blessing today.

I made it through labor, and Dr. Dalley arrived to deliver the baby. As soon as she walked in, she looked at me, and I just started bawling through contractions. The whole time, I had TRIED to stay calm and TRIED to joke through contractions and stuff, but I couldn't handle it when she got there. She looked so sad for us.

Eleanor Beverly Rogers was born at 1:15p on January 23, 2011. She was 6lbs 15oz and 20.5 inches long. She was just beautiful. She actually looked like her mommy!! A little bit anyways. HA! She had the sweetest little squishy cheeks and the cutest little nose. I can imagine she had bright blue eyes like her brothers and sister.

As hard as it was for him, we were incredibly blessed to have Scott come and take the special pictures of her for us. I know it was a huge thing to ask of him, and I know it really took a toll on him and he was really uncomfortable, but he did it anyways and he did amazing. I have only received one picture so far, and I can imagine that will be the only picture I have for just a little while for obvious reasons, but it is the most cherished picture that I have right now. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family around us.

We decided to take the nurses advice, and let Luke and Sarah come and see the baby. Allan wanted to talk to them first and HE wanted to be the one that told them that their little baby sister had passed away. As I layed in bed with Ellie, I heard the thumping of my excited daughters feet running down the hallway, followed by Luke's little feet running to get his daddy. Allan said Sarah buried her head in him and cried instantly. Luke just seemed numb. The excitement went to being sad and then to nervous. Neither kid wanted to hold her, and that was ok with us, it's scary and weird. But Luke thought she was so adorable. Sarah then said, it's ok mommy. She is ok and we can have another baby sister! We'll see.

We got to be with Ellie for about 7 hours, giving us all time to rock with her, and hold her and stroke her cheeks and just be with her. It really was a peaceful time, but I knew that the hardest part, besides giving birth to her was yet to come...............the ride home.

At 8p, we were discharged. We chose to go home early instead of staying. We finished filling out all of her paperwork..........weird to fill out a death certificate for your baby, rather than a sheet to get her birth certificate. Allan packed up all of the bags. Everyone left the room so Allan and I could hold her one last time, give her her kisses and hand her over to our loving nurse to take care of her for us.

Allan went and got the car, and my nurse and my sister, Cassie, wheeled me downstairs to get in the car. As soon as I got out of the wheel chair, I stood up, and just hugged Tammy (the nurse). She cried with me for a little bit and then helped me get in the car. The whole ride home, I bawled. I felt like I had been gutted and I have nothing to show for it. I felt like I failed to do my job as a mother to Ellie. I am supposed to protect her from harm.........I couldn't do that. I was tired of hearing how she would be taken care of whatever relatives had passed on before her, because THAT IS MY JOB! I just felt drained. I wanted someone to console me and be with me, rather than everyone calling me in hysterics over it and I had to console them. I was angry, yes, and irrational and coming unglued, but it was ok. Just part of thing.

My sister helped me get in the shower and helped make my bed and kept me calm. she talked a lot to me and just made me happy. I don't think I would've gotten through tonight without her. I just love her so much and am SO grateful that she was able to come and be with me. I know it was a huge sacrifice for her and her family.

All in all, it was a difficult night. One that I hope to never repeat. I am laying in bed right now and all I can think of is, she needs to move. I am hoping this is a dream. I am dreading having to plan a funeral and go buy her a little dress. Deciding on cremation or burial. Our loving families have decided to help us out with that, and they are going to kinda head that up for us. Each day will get worse, but then after a while, it'll get better and easier. And who knows? Maybe there will be a new one making their debut soon. Maybe.....