Perfection

A few mornings ago, while I was in the shower, I was thinking about my little Ellie, as usual. I was getting sad and had started crying. Everyone kept telling me how perfect she was and how she was in a better place and we already gave her a body so she doesn't have to be here......and on and on. Not that I don't believe in this, I do, but I want her here. I don't want to hear that right now, I want her here, and nothing is good enough right now.

So, while in the shower, and thinking all of these things, I was thinking about the 2 women who came to visit with us, on Monday evening, that had gone through this same experience of losing a baby. One of the women, very shortly shared a quote from............a prophet (I can't remember which one now). I can't quote it verbatim, but it talked about how baby's that are taken are too perfect for this world, and are too pure. I keep thinking about all of the things she said, and I wish I knew what it said, but that day, everything that she said kept coming into my mind.

I got out of the shower, and got dressed. Allan was on the computer and we started talking about what they had said to us. I reminded him of how I felt so proud to watch everyone hold our daughter in the hospital. I remembered how I wasn't completely sad at that moment. I was just proud of her, and proud that everyone could hold her and love on her. I told him that I was thinking about what the ladies had told us and that I had come to a little conclusion.

I was thinking that maybe I was so proud because Heavenly Father trusted us to carry and care for such a perfect being. While I obviously, would've rather been able to bring her home with me, alive and healthy, maybe I felt so proud because I was allowing all of those people to hold a perfect, pure person. We don't get many chances to be around someone like that, in the flesh, in front of us. Maybe it wasn't in the best circumstances, but it amazes me that He would trust ME, of all people, to do that.

I am not sure how true any of this is, or if this is my hormonal, crazy head right now. But it made me cry, happily, this time..............for once. Then I was sad because I missed her again. It's a vicious cycle.

I know I am blessed to have my beautiful 4 children. Heavenly Father has blessed me to be a mother to them all. I wish I could have all 4 of them with me, but it just wasn't in the cards for me. I can't say I am prepared for the rough days that will come ahead, because the hard times come at such weird times, but I'm hoping that, when eventually I can pray without begging for some relief or some comfort in this situation, I can thank Him for this experience, and thank Him for trusting me with such a special little girl. For now, He's going to have to be ok with partial prayers, and the begging.

I had to write all of this down, because I know the hurt and anger will return, and I will begin to be sad again.......in about 5 minutes. So I figure if I can write this down, I can go back and read it, and it will remind me, and hopefully, my sweet husband, of how much Heavenly Father thinks of us.