1st Week

Today started a little bit better than yesterday. I actually slept in.....until 8:30a. That's fabulous for me! I hardly ever sleep in that late anymore. I've been getting up at 6:30a since we lost Ellie, so that felt really good. However, I woke up, and everything felt like a dream. I didn't believe that any of this was happening. I felt my stomach, and nope, nothing there but the chubby "just had a baby" belly.

I got myself semi-dressed for the morning, thinking I was just going to stay home and do some laundry, seeing as how I have zippo clothes to wear anymore, and with my breasts wrapped and the chubby belly, it looks a little off, even in maternity clothes. So it's pretty much sweat shirt and jeans every day, until I can look like a normal girl again. I came downstairs and Luke ran up to me and first thing says, "Mommy, you're beautiful", as he says every morning. I can't complain about that, right? Then hugs from Taylor and then Sarah starts chatting it up about whatever is on her mind as soon as she see's me.

Allan had told me the previous evening that he wanted to go take pictures of a new clients yoga place, and that everyone was going to try it, but not him of course. So as soon as I came down stairs, he went up stairs to get ready to go. It wasn't long after that, that I realized that today was going to be a challenge, because Taylor was Mr. Whiney all morning. Allan said he'd be home in about an hour and then we could return some things to Costco (It's Saturday! What were we thinking??), and have some lunch, before we went to Walmart to pick up Sarah's prescription for her pink eye. He got home earlier, because his appointment didn't work out, so I went up and took a shower and got ready. I was really annoyed, because all I had to wear was a pair of jeans and a RockBand sweat shirt. I tried to make myself look better by putting on make-up, which I wasn't planning on doing, but I was so annoyed with myself and my looks that I just couldn't handle it.

Before we left, Luke had been throwing a temper tantrum about everything we asked him to do. So all of the way to Costco, he was mad and making mad noises, like folding his arms and making a humphf noise. We get to Costco, and it's a nightmare! You could tell from the parking lot that this was a huge mistake for us. We get inside, I go to the return line and Allan takes the kids to get food. I passed by the area where they have squished all of the tables together, like a bunch of geniuses, so no one can sit down and no one's carts can fit either, so it's a huge cluster. I noticed there is absolutely no where to sit to eat the lunch that Allan wanted to buy there. Allan walked over to me in the giant line to return things, and said he needs cash, they don't take debit. I lost it. I was so agitated, that I kind of exploded quietly, and told him that we are not eating there, because there is nowhere to sit, and I am not standing around while the kids eat for 45 minutes. Everyone was kind of staring at me, but I was so frustrated, I didn't care. Allan said he was going to put the kids in the car, and we would go to Burger King. I saw Sarah's face and she was already in tears, because she wanted to eat there.

We ate there, the kids played and everyone was happy............almost everyone. Burger King is where I started crying. I was watching all of our kids run off and play, and Allan and I were left at the table alone. I kept thinking that we shouldn't all be able to fit at this table. We should be playing with Ellie while the other kids are playing with each other in the play area. Heck! I shouldn't even be out right now, because I just had a baby, and I should be tired from being up all night with her. But none of the above was happening. Not only that, Allan reminded me that I needed to find a sitter for tonight, so that we could go out to Kelsey's birthday dinner. I texted Becky, one of my Young Women girls, and asked her, and she happily said she would. I was a little disappointed. I was hoping that she would say she couldn't so that I would have to stay home with the kids. But owell. I tried to tell Allan that I didn't want to go, but he kept saying he really wanted me to go, and that he really thought I should be there, and that everyone will want me there. I didn't want to be there.

On our way home, Becky, Allan's mom, called him and asked him to come with them to get new cell phones. He said he would and then told me that's what he was going to do, and that he would probably meet me at Bachi Burger (where were were going to have dinner tonight). I deeply sighed and said "ok". He asked if that was ok, and I said it's fine, which was a complete lie, but I know if he knew, he wouldn't go, and his parents needed his help. But I think he knew.

We got home, laid the kids down for naps and he left. As soon as he left, the kids were up every 10 seconds. None of them took a nap. None of them gave me a second. None of them let me put a load of laundry in. I was getting more and more frustrated and I was getting madder and madder at Allan for leaving me alone to get ready for the babysitter, and get myself ready and clean the house, so he could go shopping. I know that's not how it probably was, but that's what I was feeling.

I felt like the whole day was in chaos, Sarah had just been in a fowl mood all day long, to the point that she actually rolled her eyes at me. She concentrated on it, so that she could make sure she got a full eye roll. I actually caught myself seeing red. HA!

Becky was right on time, getting to our house. and I was able to leave. I got in the car and got as far as Town Center and the 215, and was already in tears. I cried all the way to Allan's parents house. I was so frustrated. I felt like no one was listening to what I wanted. I just wanted to stay home. I just wanted to be alone. I kept saying that I'm embarrassed to go out, and here we are always going out, because that's what everyone wanted me to do. I told Allan that I won't be going to church tomorrow, because I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, and I don't want to have people, who knew I was pregnant, to think I had the baby and she just wasn't with us, or people who knew I was pregnant and knew I lost her, to come up and talk to me about it either. Right now, there is no win at church for me. There would be no feeling the spirit, because I would be so distracted by my own insecurities and my own emotions that it would be impossible. I told Allan this, and he acted like this is the first time I told him that!

After those thoughts, I was driving my van, and thought I shouldn't be going out. I figured, if I just had a baby, a normal person wouldn't be going out, they'd be home with the baby! And if I did go out, I would have the baby with me! I then thought I needed to be praying for help and comfort, but all of my prayers, turn into begging for help. Begging for  my sanity. Begging for relief. It's not a prayer, it's on your knees begging. I just don't know what else to do anymore.

So I fix myself before I get to Allan's parents house, and I was just quiet. And then Lincoln and Cecilia got there. I wanted to turn around and say hi, but I just couldn't. I know I said I made the choice not to be angry or jealous of Cecilia and her pregnancy, but in that moment, I was. I just didn't even want to look, so I didn't.

We got to Bachi Burger, and there it was again. The cutest pregnant woman ever was sitting right across from me, rubbing her belly and Lincoln did too, being uncomfortable, and just looking cute. I was jealous. So I stared into my salad, tried to stay as quiet as I could and just kept eating, slowly, so that way, maybe by the time I was finished, so would everyone else. It didn't work. I tried hard to just stay quiet and talk at a minimum, because I was afraid I would say something completely mean or lash out somehow and I didn't want to. It was torture for me. I felt like I looked horrible, I felt horrible, and now, what I didn't want to happen, did. I was jealous.

I know that these feelings will pass............sometime. It's only been a week, even though, it feels like it's been longer. Is that bad? I have been thinking all day today, of what I was doing just last Saturday, just before I lost my sweet baby. I guess it'll be like that for a while, huh? That's what I'm assuming.

Well, we'll see how tomorrow goes. Hopefully better, but that didn't work out so well last time. But gotta keep hopin.