Angry Mommy

Yesterday was a TERRIBLE day. And really nothing happened that was that terrible. I was just in a really really bad mood.

When we picked up the kids on Thursday, Sarah had a red eye. We thought maybe allergies, but we just weren't sure. I wanted to take her to the doctors on Friday, before the weekend came, in case it wasn't allergies. We got to the doctors, and got called back. Of course we walked past a room, that had a lady holding a newborn baby in it. Ugh. Didn't bother me so much, just made me think and I hate that.

Our nurse showed us to our waiting room, and we waited and waited. Friday's and Mondays are the worst days to go to the pediatrician, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. The whole time we were waiting, the newborn was just crying and crying and crying. It was terrible. I wanted to go in there SO badly and just snuggle and comfort the little baby. I am so baby hungry right now, it was torture. I wanted to smell him and hold him and comfort him. I started to get anxious and angry, and then the doctor finally came in.

After the doc got finished with Sarah, he gave us a prescription, so I figured, while I'm out, I'll go have it filled at Walmart. We dropped it off and walked around looking for bathroom stuff for their bathroom. Finally, we got our things, and went to the check out, leaving the prescription (I didn't want to wait the whole hour, no fun). I got in a line and waited.

There was an Asian woman in front of us, who didn't speak very good English, and she, of course, just had a baby. It was a cute little Chinese baby, little tiny nose, like Ellie's, cute chubby cheeks and had just fallen asleep. I didn't mind standing there in front of the baby, it didn't make me sad, it just made me really really want to hold her, which made me kinda angry too. I thought she would be leaving quickly, to get the baby out from in front of me, but the cashier was trying to pressure her to get a credit card, which takes a long time when the person you are selling to doesn't understand much of what you're saying. It took forever, and I just stared at this sweet little baby girl.

We FINALLY left, and I was really antsy and angry. Seeing the babies made me really angry, not sad. It was very unexpected. I should've been there with my sweet baby in her cute pink infant carrier, sitting in the cart, and I should've been angry that the lady was taking so long. Instead, I was angry that the baby was sitting in front of me for so long.

I came home, and I was just ticked off. Really short tempered, annoyed and now I was tired. I lay down on the couch, and sunk into it. The kids were running around me and yelling and playing and I just didn't care. Finally, Allan put them down for a nap, and we talked about what happened. He thought it made total sense, even though I didn't think it did.

We got a text earlier in the day from Cecilia, telling us they were all going out to dinner for Kelsey's birthday. I didn't want to go, at all. Not anything against anyone, I just wanted to be alone. Allan said no, we're going out, that I needed to go out and have a good time. With my whole being, I didn't want to go, but I was forcing myself to do it. Allan finally got a sitter, his business partner, Chad and his sweet wife. I was nervous for them, but whatever they want to do. Our children are great birth control for other couples.

We got a text and a phone call from Cecilia and Becky saying that dinner was cancelled, and that just set me off. I had just started TRYING to find something to wear and had actually found something (the same thing I wore the day before. I didn't care.) and had just started on my make-up. I was so upset. I told Allan they cancelled and he was upset because it took us about half the day to try to find a sitter at the last minute. I plopped down on the couch upset, and then just started crying. He came and sat next to me and asked me what was wrong. I was still mad about the babies, and then I was tired, I felt like I was being forced to go out when I didn't want to, but I didn't want to stay home with the kids. I felt like they weren't considering our feelings of cancelling this, that they weren't thinking that this is really hard for me to go out, not to mention I was really uncomfortable, because of my breast being bound, and how my body looks. In clothes, I look like I have no breasts, and a huge stomach. I have no balance at all up top. I'm just a wreck inside and out and I felt like no one, not even the dang babies and their parents, were considering that. In reality, I know that was not what anyone was thinking or trying to do. I was just being emotional.

Allan told Chad not to come, but he and his wife really wanted to anyways, so we had them come over and we went to Cafe Rio for dinner and then we planned on going to Costco afterwards. It was good we went there. Allan saw a friend there that he hadn't seen in about 10 years, and then we saw the Spendlove's there. It was nice to sit and chat with everyone and feel somewhat normal, however, I could feel myself being really self concious of how I looked again, so I felt myself kinda slouching down and trying to sit close to the table, so no one could see my body. Weird stuff again.

Allan and I talked a lot about if we want to try again, to have another baby. Allan really wants to, I know that, but I'm not sure if I do. I know that's a little bit off, but we felt like we should talk about it. I think we would do it sooner rather than later, but I really want to talk to my doctor about all of these concerns that I'm having first. If I know what I can try to expect, as far as what the doctor will be doing more or less of, and my blood work results (if any, I'm not expecting them to find anything wrong.), then I will make a decision. Seems like Allan and I are on the same page there too. My biggest concern is, if I do try to get pregnant again, I'm afraid I'll be disappointed if it's not a girl. I've never seriously cared if its's a boy or a girl. I've joked a lot, but I've never actually cared really. But this time, I'm afraid I will care a lot more, and I'm afraid of disappointment if it's not a girl. Weird? Maybe. I don't know.

Costco was actually fun. We did some shopping, and I'm a little ashamed about it, HA! We're not drinkers when things happen, we're shoppers. haha. It was nice to go out and be silly and have fun with my husband. It really took my mind off of things and relaxed me a lot.

We came home and the kids were really having a great time with them. Made me feel so happy that they were having a blast with them. I was a lot calmer and a lot more relaxed.

So at the end of the day, I think I felt all normal emotions, except I felt bad that I was so mad about dinner being cancelled, but even that emotion, I think, wasn't about them or anything, it was just a culmination of the day and all of the crap that's been happening. I love my family dearly, and love all of our friends and family that have come to help out and visit with us and just love us. I am so grateful to them for all of their love and support..........and patience. HA!