And It Just Keeps Coming

The subject of this post is actually all over the place. It's kind of how I'm feeling lately, is all over the place. The title could mean so many things, especially considering everything you might know about my family, my life, my depression, my happiness, my hobbies, my religion.......ANYTHING! It could mean anything. And yet.......it means all of those things.

Have you ever heard the expression, "And the hits just keep comin..."? I've felt like that since about the second week of November. The second week of November is about when I realized that Thanksgiving was coming. The second week of November is when I realized that we were going to up to St. George for our family Thanksgiving. The second week of November is when I decided to go up and see my sister, and photograph her newest bundle of joy, Jake, along with photographing the rest of her family for various projects she had in mind. The second week of November is when I realized Taylor is finally potty trained (that only took us two years, ugh!), and is about to turn 5 years old, in just 2 weeks. The second week of November is when I realized that the "holiday hell run", as I lovingly call it, is about to start, and I'm not ready yet.

If you didn't know, I refer to the months of October through the month of February as "the holiday hell run". I call it that because, anytime before 3 years ago, I used to LOVE this time of year, starting in October. I loved that all of the fun holidays, family parties and gatherings, festivities, and memories were booming around this time. None of it ever died down until, just after Valentines Day, for us. This has always been my favorite time, during these months. After losing Ellie, these months became hell. I just wanted to drink until I passed out for 4 months, and then wake up, and be relieved that I missed the whole thing. But, I'm Mormon, and we don't drink, so that really put a damper on the drinking til I passed out plan. Instead, I put my smile on, and try to enjoy the time with my other four children......but it's always bitter sweet because I'm missing one of my children, and I can only imagine what she would be like, during each holiday, and how she would fit. January is when hell gets really out of control because we have Ellie's birthday at the end of the month, followed by Elliott's birthday, just three days later. I'm a disaster during that time.

So, this year, we decided to go to St. George for Thanksgiving. Just imagine 40lbs of mashed potatoes, 3 turkeys, 2 hams, and a whole gaggle of things with marshmallows on top, jello concoctions, about 20-30 yelling kids, 40 adults, and a partridge in a pair tree. It's fun. But, we haven't been since we lost Ellie. I just couldn't bring myself to go, and see how everyone's kids are growing up, and see how all of the littlest cousins are getting along and playing together, and know that Ellie should be right in the mix with them, but she's not. We did it this year. And, thankfully, Brittney stuck with me, and just chatted away with me. It helped distract me from everything I was feeling, and the strong desire to just burst into tears when I saw her little girls, who are right around Ellie's age, and know that they would be the best of friends, just like my kids are, with her kids. I was so thankful for Brittney that evening. She saved my sanity.

November 28th rolled around and we realized we have Christmas shopping still to do, and we have no clue what the kids want! So, as we planned that, and took care of shopping, I couldn't help but keep on picking out baby toys for Elliott. I did that, because it kept me around all of the toys Ellie would be playing with, and I would just sit there and imagine her playing with a little baby doll. Or would she like a ride on little trike? Or, would she like a big girl toy, like a Barbie, and be like her big sister? After about an hour, I didn't care what we bought. I wanted no part of any of it. Again, I wanted a drink, and a good pass out session. HAHA!

Today, another tradition has been on my mind, that I haven't been able to do just yet. Ornaments. I always let the kids pick out their ornaments. I like them to pick out something that represents them that year, or their favorite thing that year. Last year, for Ellie, I was finally able to buy her her first and last ornament for the family tree, from Things Remembered. It was a brass baby shoe, with a pink ribbon around it, and on the bottom I had her name and birthday carved in it. I went to Target tonight, thinking I would get their ornaments for them, and let it be a surprise. I thought that'd be fun! But, no. I wanted to get one to represent Ellie, too, because I know Sarah will be asking about it. But, I couldn't come up with anything for their angel sister. Nothing was good enough. I wandered around the Christmas section for almost an hour, and started getting teary by 30 minutes in, and was full on crying (not the ugly cry though, thank Heavens!) by 45 minutes in, because nothing fit. I had a few ideas to represent all of us, like the letters of our first names, for each person, or they had wooden doll ornaments, and I grabbed 3 different looking boys, and 2 different looking girls. But then I saw a wooden angel doll, and couldn't figure out if I wanted that for Ellie, and to give Sarah the little blond wooden doll ornament or not. I put everything back, and just got out of there, with tears being wiped from my face, and one woman asking me if I needed a tissue, even. I couldn't do it.

Another event is the Memorial Tree event, that Summerlin Hospital puts on. Every time I go, I never decide I'm going until the day before, and sometimes, the hour before. I just don't want to go. I don't want to be there. I hate being at that hospital anyways, because that's where she was born. Not that the hospital, or anyone there did anything wrong. In fact the opposite is true. They are amazing! It's just the memories that are associated with that place. For the Memory Tree event, the families come, and listen to a program, and there is a portion dedicated to each family hanging an ornament on the tree, for their lost children. Last year, Amy wanted to come with me, because Allan couldn't for some reason that I can't remember. She even brought an ornament that she had made when she was younger, just to hang on the tree for my Ellie-bean. It really meant so much to me that she wanted to be a part of it, and force me to go. I didn't want to go. After we hang the ornaments, there is a candle light vigil. Usually there is a song played, or someone singing. It's pretty beautiful.

This year, Lisa has been posting the info about it, all over Facebook, and everyone has RSVP'd......except me. I know I should go, but I don't want to. I know it's a great way to honor her, but I don't want to. I want her standing beside me, saying, "mama", and telling me what ornament SHE wants, and watching her hang her ornament on OUR tree. I don't want to light candles in remembrance of her. I want to light her birthday candles and watch her blow them out. I don't want to belong there.....but I do.

For Christmas, all of the adults in our families draw names. I hate when I hear who has me. Not that I think the gift will be bad, or anything like that. It's not that at all! I hate to be celebrated. Because of losing my daughter, I feel responsible for her death. I always will, I think. I hate people doing things for me. I don't believe anyone when they praise me for things. I don't want birthday parties, gifts, Mother's Day, or anything like that. I don't feel deserving of anything like that. So when people ask me, what I want for Christmas, the honest answer is, "Nothing". I don't want anything. I don't feel that I deserve anything. I don't care about STUFF! I want my daughter back! I want this nightmare to be over! I want my family to be complete! Nothing else matters except those things. But I can't have that, and I feel responsible for not being able to have that, and the pain this has caused my family. So, I think, "Nothing", when they ask. I can't say that though, so I say gift cards or something, and usually I use the gift cards on my kids, or husband later in the year. I don't do those things. I don't feel worthy enough for happiness, I guess. I feel guilty when I am happy.

Next up, Ellie's birthday. Her birthday is January 23. This year, Ellie would've been 3 years old. I have no plans for her birthday. I see how others celebrate their angels birthdays, and I love it......but I don't do much. I don't involve anyone, because I don't want anyone to think they have to come to an awkward birthday gathering. I don't bake a cake and all that. I don't go to her grave and release balloons. I don't do anything. Last year, Michelle made cupcakes that spelled out Eleanor. She left them for us, and later that night, we put 2 candles in one, and sang happy birthday, and all of us blew her candles out for her, and ate cup cakes....and that's it. I think Allan and I brought her a bouquet of flowers to her grave for her. I usually try to stay quiet, and alone that day, and days leading up to it, and afterwards. I can't help but relive every moment of those days before, during and after.

Finally, ending on a high note, Elliott's birthday is 3 days later. He will be 2 this year. And he really is our high note. I can't say how grateful I am for this little guy, for all of my kids, really. He is a whole bunch of sunshine, and cute. We just love him to pieces.

There have been many difficult times that have happened in between all of these events, that have already passed, that will effect events to come, happy, sad and angry events. The one I will talk about is, after a month of owning it, I had my camera, and all of my equipment stolen out of my car. I was on my way to shoot with a photog friend of mine, at a mortuary, for another family that had lost a baby. I was dropping my kids off at my mothers house, and went inside for less than 10 minutes, and when I came back out, my bag was gone, with my camera, lenses, everything inside. Devastated wouldn't be the word for it. While I didn't do anything completely irresponsible like leave it overnight, in a car, parked on the street, unlocked, or in the grocery store parking lot, in the front seat, unlocked......or anything like that. I parked in my mom's driveway, in her gated community, in the middle of no where. I was running my kids in, and I was coming right back out, to go to the shoot! I never leave my camera in my car, or anything like that! But, I still blamed myself, because I left it on the front seat, and the door was unlocked. I was grateful that the other photog was at the mortuary, so that the family would still get pictures with their baby, and have that to remember in that way......so grateful. So, just when I thought I was finally hitting my stride, and finding my way with everything, and gaining confidence in the LARGE world of photography, it's all taken away from me.

Terrell, Lisa and Scott have been so sweet during all of this. Lisa keeps telling me how sick she would be if something happened to her camera, and I'm imagining that she has her camera now handcuffed to her at all times, even when she's delivering a baby. HA! Terrell just kept reminding me that it's just a thing, nothing else, and that it's ok. It can be replaced, and that he's glad I'm safe. And Scott took this opportunity to console me first, and then suggest that, since I don't have any equipment tying me to any certain brand, that I should "consider shooting with Canon as God intended" (he's atheist, so it added an extra bit of funny for me). But, honestly, Terrell is right. It's just a thing. But, it was what that thing represented. It represented a lot of hard work. A lot of following promptings blindly, that have been guiding me this whole time, to do this work. To do service in this way. It represented my journey the last three years, and what I've learned, and how I've grown. It represented swallowing my pride, and taking critique, and using that advice to become better. It meant time away from my kids and my husband, so I could take classes, assist other photographers, and shoot and edit, A TON. It represented my sorrow, my mourning, my happiness, my confidence, my faith, my passion......it represented ME the last 3 years! Most importantly, it represented Eleanor. Because of her, I got into photography. Because of her, Scott came and took those photos of her, for us. Because of her, I decided that I wanted to give that to other families who have lost children. Because of her, I have found my happiness again, when I look through that eye piece, and see how I can make a photograph evoke the emotion and feeling that, either represents me, or represents the person I am photographing, or that moment. Because of her bringing this into my life, I have found myself again, but a better version of myself. So, when that person took that bag, I felt like I lost her again. It ripped my insides out. Is that dramatic?....yes. But, it's honestly how I felt!

Since then, we have bought a new camera, that we are anxiously waiting to be shipped to us. We did decide to go with Scott's God advice, and bought a Canon. I have calmed my emotions down a lot, and really, I've forgiven the person who stole it. What's the point in harboring anger towards someone? I want to do service for others! How can I be angry and unforgiving, and try to do God's work in service, at the same time? It doesn't work so well. We have talked about different lenses, and have bought a few, but I can't pull the trigger on other ones. For one, insurance won't cover this, we found out recently, so a lot of money is just gone now. But, for another, I can't spend the money on myself! Again, it's the worthy thing. I don't feel deserving of these things. I would rather make due with what I have. But, my husband would beg to differ. I'm still working on myself in that area, obviously.

So, I sit here, an emotional disaster. I force myself to leave the house, and even just go for a drive, because I can't handle being around people, seeing the Christmas decorations, talking on the phone, nothing. I just want to be alone, and forgotten, but that's not a good thing, so I force myself out among the living. HA! I am trying to be happy and positive, but as each Holiday comes and goes, I know it's closer to her birthday. As each holiday comes, I always imagine her, and all of the hopes of things she'd be doing then. I haven't decided, still, if I'm going to the Memory Tree event. I imagine I won't know until then. I hate going to church during the holidays because of all of the programs with the kids, and all of the talk of babies, and things. I haven't decided if Ellie will have an ornament this year. I don't know how to deal with any of these things, and this is my third Christmas as an incomplete family. They say these things get easier......but I'm still waiting.

But, on a positive note.....I'm still here. I'm still surviving. I'm still walking tall. I'm still working as hard as ever trying to learn everything I can learn from this experience. I'm still writing this stuff down!! That alone is a dang miracle, because I have NEVER been able to keep any sort of journal or record for longer than 2 days. I'm so bad at it. I'm still planning on continuing with my goals with remembrance photography, and helping families in that way. I'm still going to keep working. This won't stop me......it just might stall me out for a little while. Every year that I look back, I see how much I've grown because of this. Every year, I look back at all of the amazing things that I've learned, and become, because of this experience. I can do this! I know I can! I have more to give. It will get harder before it gets easier, and I know I can conquer it. I might just have to put off conquering it until February. I don't want to play right now. There is so much to be thankful for, and so much to be grateful for......I'm just not going to see any of it right now. And, ya know what? That's ok. I will. Just not right now.

They say, "The hits just keep coming." I say, "It just keeps coming.....but I can do it." I can do it, and I welcome it! With each new trial, brings more opportunity for growth, and more opportunities for learning who I am, and who I want to become. I can do it.....I'm just not going to right now. But I will.