The Holiday Blue's Hit

Well, I lasted a whopping 8 days into December before I found myself on the floor of my closet (it's my usual location for such breakdowns), sobbing. I have felt it coming for a little while now, but I have been able to combat it with positive thinking, lots of cleaning, redirecting myself and thoughts.......and more cleaning. But, today, I woke up overwhelmed, and I just can't push it down today, however, I did clean the shower.

Yesterday, we went out of Taylor's 5th birthday. We went to Build-A-Bear and let the kids make a bear. Sarah and Luke used their own money to pay for theirs, and we got Taylors for his birthday. As we watched each of the 4 kids make theirs, I just wanted to make one for Ellie, but I just can't do that. There are so many things I consider when doing something for Ellie. It's not just for me, or for honoring her, and I can be selfish with those feelings. I have to consider what the impact of what I do to honor her, is going to have on my children and my husband. Even something as small as making her a bear. I didn't do it. I couldn't.

I watched them make their bears, and watched their different interactions with the person helping them, and I just couldn't help the thoughts of, "I wonder which one Ellie would choose. I wonder how she would interact with the employees. Would she be happy and excited? Or would she be shy? Would she even want one?"

When we left, the cashier said, "Happy Holidays", and most of the time, I would look back and say, "You too!" or something to that effect. This time, my body jerked, and in my head all I could think was, "F-U man." Now, I didn't say that, but I definitely thought it. And, I can confirm that that is not my normal thought to this statement. But, yesterday, it was. I hated seeing Christmas trees. I hated seeing little kids dressed up in their special Christmas outfits, because they were on their way to take photos together. I hated hearing the music, and wondering if she would've been crazily dancing to that song like the rest of the kids. I hated it all, because it was throwing it in my face that I would never see those reactions, and experience those moments with her.

Today, the feelings were all consuming. I just wanted to lay in bed all day, and all month, and never leave. A friend asked me about the Memory Tree event coming up, and asked if I'd be going. I said I probably wouldn't be going. Allan is out of town again this year, for it, and most of family will be out of town too, so I'm just not going. And honestly, I don't want to go. I don't want to hang an ornament for her. I want her to do it. I don't want to light a candle for her. I want her to light up in my arms while I hold her, and snuggle her. I don't want to go with a friend, I want my husband to go with me. I don't want to take my kids with me to this, I want them to have their sister with them, and playing with her around the living room, after seeing their tree for the first time. I should go. I never regret it. In fact, I'm always glad I went. I should go, and be with the other families, and be supportive. I should honor her in that way, and BE her mom, if I can't in the way I want. I should always want to do things especially for her.......but it's never good enough, and honestly, I don't know if she even knows what I'm doing, feeling, saying, or anything. I don't know if she cares, or wants it, or if she just laughs at it all because she knows more than I do, and knows that it doesn't matter.

I am disappointed in myself that this is effecting me so deeply lately. I don't want it to, but today, it is. I know what this holiday is all about, and the meaning behind it all, and it really is a blessed day to celebrate. But, this may be one of the few times that I have felt anger towards my Heavenly Father. I feel like I am being picked on lately, and punished. People keep saying that God knows what challenges you can handle......but He's wrong. And why do I have to handle these challenges? Why do they have to keep coming back to back like this, one on top of the other like this? Why can't He just allow me to be happy for a minute?! I know I am strong, and I know I can do this, but DAMN IT! I want a break from this grief, and from the work! Just leave me alone for a second! I am disappointed because I have 4 other kids depending on me to be happy, and excited, and loving, and teach them the meaning of Christmas, and all I want to do it disappear! But, I can't. I don't get a break from the grief, and it's not easier, because I have other kids. They don't always help me get through it. Most of the time, I am good. The feelings are still there, but I can usually handle it. Today, I just can't do it.

I know I will get through this, and I will be just fine. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and isn't trying to pick on me, or truly find out what my limits are. This is just life, and life happens. It's no ones fault. I will remind myself of this tomorrow. It's ok to feel what I'm feeling right now. It is.

I will come back to the land of the living after this little melt down. I don't know when, but I will. I'm too nosey not to, and I can't miss anything! I hate missing things. There are too many good things to be missing any of it.

I was really hoping that the holiday blues wouldn't hit this year. I was hoping that it would pass by, and I would be less affected. I was hoping that it would show that I am making improvements. But, it comes, whether I want it to or not. And I have made improvements, and I am ok. It's just how it goes. I can handle it. I just don't want to. I am her mother, just like I am a mother to my other 4 children. I want to see her open her first Christmas present. I want to see her beautiful face in family Christmas pictures. I want to see her light up when she sees Santa for the first time. I want to see what kind of girl she is, and how she fits into our family. I want to be her mom. But, I can't right now. I hope that I will get to one day.