Answers Always Come

Before I get started, please let me address something: I guess the post I wrote yesterday, and shared, really stirred some people up. Either, you could relate to it, or you were scared for me, by it. I am sorry for scaring anyone. I know you all love me, and are desperate to help me, but you really can't help a ton, except to just be there for me. Grief is something I have to navigate for myself, and it will be on MY time, one else's time. I have chosen to share this blog, and make it, and keep it public, because just after I lost Ellie, I felt crazy. I literally, felt crazy. Having someone tell me that they felt the same things I felt, and did the same things that I did, made me feel, somewhat, normal, and ok. That validation made me feel ok, and gave me a little more strength to get through the day. So, while this is incredibly hard, and it's so personal, and makes me so vulnerable, I want to share my journey, and feelings, no matter how dark or scary they are, and even if it gives me diarrhea because of the stress of letting everyone read every personal thing going on inside of my head, I do it this way in the hopes of, when someone else reads it, and they are feeling the same way, for any reason..........it may help them to feel less crazy, and it may give them that little bit of strength needed to get through the day. Maybe it could help them think, "Ok. She feels that way too. And if she can do it, I can DEFINITELY do it." So, that's why I write this. Not to hurt anyone, and not to get attention. I do this, for my own journal, but also, to help others, who are either going through it, or help friends or families of those who suffer with grief, or even depression, as I do, to give them a glimpse into their friend or family members thoughts, and help them to help their loved ones, and friends.........I hope that makes sense.

Anyways, I appreciate the outpouring of love, and support, and cheerleading I receive with every post that I write and share. I hope that it helps those reading it, because it definitely helps to give me an outlet to air what I'm feeling, while helping others.....And that's what I want to do, is help others, and help this experience become a positive thing for me, by doing service for others.

So, now that that is out of the way I can get started with tonight's post. I don't usually post 2 days in a row, but I am feeling that I need to, because something pretty amazing happened today. After last nights post, I went to bed feeling really nervous, because of how dark it was, and how open I was......but it was honest, so I had to say it, no matter what. But I knew that it would concern a lot of people. Anyways, I was really nervous. I was also really upset, and hurting, because it took everything out of me to say everything that was inside of my head. And to find no resolution to those feelings, really bothered me, and angered me. So, I just silently prayed that I would figure out how to be happy again, and that I would find a direction to go in with this. I knew that prayers were answered, but I didn't know how specific those answers would be!

I got up this morning, and got my "I'm dropping my kids off at school, but I'm not fully awake yet" clothes on, and took Luke and Sarah to school. On my way home, Allan messaged me and asked me to go get donuts for him, Taylor and Elliott, before coming back home. When I finally got back home, Allan told me that a woman came over to talk to me. He couldn't remember her name, but I figured out who she was by random clues he would remember. HAHA! He told me that she was going to come back, and would probably be back in 20 minutes. So, I went up stairs and sort of put myself together, and tried to make myself look human. I, some what, picked up the down stairs, and just as I was putting something away, there was a knock at the door. It was a woman that is in my ward. She looked sort of nervous, and said that she had read my blog last night, and wanted to talk to me......this made me nervous, I'm not going to lie. I invited her in, and we sat in the front room. She said that there were a few things that I wrote that were really concerning to her, that she wanted to talk to me about. She kept expressing her worry and concern for me, which then made me concerned about what I had written, and how she took it! You see, this woman has also lost a baby, similar to my experience, however, she lost her baby roughly 16 or 17 years ago (I'm totally guessing. Sorry!), so I wanted to know what she had to say! No one else knows how I feel, but other moms of angel babies.

A conversation that, I thought, and she probably did too, would go for an hour or so, turned into a 3 hour conversation. She started the conversation with an apology, because she is a very blunt, honest person, and with what she had to say, there was no other way to say it, but honestly and bluntly. It was hard to hear, and hard to take, but it was honest and it was true. She shared her testimony with me, and her experiences with grief. She shared some items that friends had given her, that answered some questions she was having. They were the same questions I was having, and these items helped answer those questions, and fill those gaps of knowledge about Heaven, and our lost children. She shared so many personal things, so I do not feel it is appropriate to share the conversation in full, publicly. But, there was advice given that I needed to hear, and was hard to hear, but  ultimately, I agreed with. And there was advice, and things that worked for her, and the direction of her life, and purpose, that I don't think will work for me......maybe not right now anyways.

The conversation was a huge answer to my prayers because it did gave me what I needed so desperately. It gave me a direction, it gave me a resolution to the problem, and it gave me a way to be happy again. It's hard, but I always say that the right answer is rarely the easiest path to take, but it's always worth it.

What I realized from that conversation, and what I identified is that all of that anger, and frustration, and sadness and every messy thing that I wrote down is all due to one thing. Not grief. Not even Ellie. It has to do with letting go, and moving on. I have realized for a month or so that I don't think of her as often, and that has made me feel bad. I have realized that I don't go to bereavement group meetings for me anymore. I go to help others (and I love that, so I will continue to go), and not to help myself. I realized that attending these meetings doesn't hurt me, like it used to. It doesn't break me, like it used to. I leave happy, and hopeful, and feeling like I've done something. I feel progress in myself, and I feel like that progress is useful to others. Also, I realized, I'm ready enough, and mentally confident enough, to seriously pursue what I've been wanting to do, which is infant remembrance photography. It doesn't remind me of Ellie, and cause me pain. It isn't my child, and it isn't my experience. It's theirs. I want to help them, and I want to do whatever I can, to give them a piece of their child that they can remember. It's not mine. But it makes me happy to help (if I can say that about a sad thing like that). I've been feeling these things, along with many other experiences, for a long time now, and every time I feel these feelings of lightness, and happiness, and feeling myself again.......I feel instant guilt, because I feel like in moving forward, and not thinking of her constantly, and not visiting her grave, and not attending events, that I'm hurting her because she will think I'm forgetting about her, and that I don't love her. But, in doing those things, I feel like it's stalling my grief process. So, I was frustrated, because I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to hurt my own self, and my family here on Earth either. It's, literally, been tearing me apart trying to figure out how to balance those things. Do you know what I learned? You can't balance those things. I have to let something go. And, as this beautiful friend said to me today, "You have to rejoin the land of the living." HAHA! I loved that. But it's true. She doesn't care about those things. This friend was right, she's not looking down on me, and sad that I'm not sad anymore. She wants me to be happy! She wants me to keep going. She wants me to try my hardest, and do my best, and learn everything I can in this life, to return to my Father in Heaven, and ultimately, return to her, to make our family whole again. 

Our purpose, in this life, is not become perfect on Earth, but it is to learn so that we can be made perfect. We are human, and we can't leave this life perfectly, because we will always make mistakes, but we can do everything we can, to learn and grow, and become as Christ-like as we can. I believe perfection will come later. I also believe, there are no such things as trials. There are opportunities to make choices, to change yourself, and change the direction of your life. You have 3 choices. You can, be bitter, and angry about your situation and probably drive everyone, and everything out of your life. Or you can try to be positive and learn from your situation, and see what things can be gained from this thing happening to you. OR you can stay the same, and do nothing, and let it happen, and gain nothing from it. I think, I have been battling all three things, at one time. I really want to be happy, but I'm angry and bitter that I can't be happy with her, and learn all of these amazing things, with her here, but in all of that, I'm actually just staying the same, because of guilt. So, I needed to figure out how to continue progressing.....and this friend gave me a glimpse into how to do that, from her perspective.

I likened this experience to climbing a mountain. I have been climbing up a STEEP mountain for 3 years, solid. Finally, I am coming to the top of the mountain, and I have to choose. The first choice is, I can either go back down the way I came up, and do it again, over and over again, but I'm getting pretty tired, and I just want to stop, and give up. The second choice is to get to the top, and just stay there, set up camp there, and just stay, and never go any direction. The third choice is, to keep going, and go down the mountain on the other side. I don't know what's waiting at the bottom of the other side of the mountain, but I've heard it's pretty good. I know I WANT to go down the other side of the mountain. I don't want to stop at the top. I just want to keep going, go over the hump, and make that long journey down the other side of the mountain. BUT, if I do that, I have to let go of some pretty important things. Where I'm at, in my life, with this grief, I would have to let go of Ellie, and I am holding on so tightly to her, that my hands are bleeding. But, by holding on to everything, I am hurting myself, and I'm hurting my family. I know that to progress, I have to let her go.

But, what does that mean? How do you do that? Well, to be honest, I have no idea. HAHA! But, I know it's time to work on it, because of the things I've been feeling. Things that used to make me sad, they aren't making me sad anymore. I know it seems like on this blog, that I think of her constantly, non-stop. But, that's not true, actually. It's just what I need to vent out, that I don't get to anywhere else. I don't think of her as often anymore. I don't visit her grave as often.....in fact, I haven't been there in about 4 or 5 months, and it was quick, and it was empty, and it felt awkward to me. I don't shutter at talking about her as much, and in fact, I don't feel it necessary to talk about her with people, much, unless it applies. 

Something that this woman said to me, that I've heard her say one other time, really hit home to me, and I apologize in advance if this is offensive to anyone else. I hope you will understand why I was relieved to hear this, when I get done explaining. She said, "If Heavenly Father came to me and said you can have your daughter back, I wouldn't do it." (Please don't be angry, HA!) I was relieve to hear that, because I have felt that way for a while now. Why?! Because, if I take that gift, of having my daughter back, I would have to trade everything I've learned. I would have to trade everything I've become. I would have to trade every gift I've been given, because of this tragedy. I would have to trade, even, a lot of faith, and testimony strengthening experiences I've been given. And, I would have to trade one of the biggest gifts to come out of this experience........Elliott. Eleanor was set to be our last baby, but my mind changed when we lost her, and we decided to have another baby, Elliott. My whole world changed, when we lost her. This has been hard, but worth it, because so many gifts have been given, so many talents have been realized, so many blessings have been bestowed, and I don't want to trade any of them for that. Ellie is ours, I know it. She is sealed to our family for eternity. So, I can have her now, or I can wait, and keep all of these gifts, and have her later. If I just wait, I CAN have my cake, and eat it too. But, if I am impatient, and I take try to trade those things, for a short earthly experience with her........who would I be?

I don't know how this is going to go. I am apprehensive, and scared, and sad, to let go, and get back to "the land of the living". I am battling her face, as I visualize my hand letting go of hers, and walking away, and the sorrow and hurt on her face, that my head shows me. But, in reality, I know it's the right thing. And I know that she is not hurting from this. That is my own guilt torturing me. I am still feeling undeserving of this happiness, but I did nothing wrong, or irresponsible to cause the death of my child. I took no risks, I was not selfish, and I did nothing, during that pregnancy, to boost my own ego up, and put her life second. I only put her first, and gave her the best care I could give her. It just didn't work out. It is something that I will work on to move past that undeserving feeling. But, I have a feeling that those 2 things will be a nagging thing, for a little while.......but they will soon fade, as I keep walking. 

I know she is so happy, because she loves me, and wants only good for me, and her father, and siblings. I am excited to enjoy my children, enjoying their lives. I am excited to keep growing from this experience, and have less sad days. I am excited to go on, doing service for others, with the things I've learned. Mostly, I'm excited to know that THIS is how she wants me to honor her. This is how I am supposed to honor her. Learn, grow, and be happy. I can't stay still any longer. I have to go over the hump, and make the long journey down the other side of the mountain, and see what awaits me. And, I'm pretty sure, it's gonna be awesome. She will still be in my thoughts, and there will still be some reminders here and there.  I know she is ok with this, and ok with me having to do this, even happy. I know she is ok with me saying, when asked, "I have 4 children". And, I know she is ok with me not buying an ornament for her every year. I know she is ok, even, if I don't have a cake for her on her birthday. Because, those things are for me. She knows I love her, and she knows she is our daughter. She is already where I want to be, so she knows everything. Her perspective of this life is so massive, that these little things I hold on to, are just not what she views as important. She gets it already, and I'm still on Earth learning. There will be hard days, but then only hard times, and as my journey down the mountain continues, soon, only hard moments........but I can do it, and it will be worth it.

I am so grateful for this special sister, who was so brave to do something that I KNOW is so hard to do. I am grateful for her coming back, and her persistence. I am grateful for her honesty, and willingness to be vulnerable too, and let me cry, and talk, and work it out in my head, and helping me realize this on my own. I hope things get brighter for me, soon. I am excited for this new journey. I am excited to find more joy, when thinking of my angel girl, instead of sorrow and pain. I can feel it through out my whole body, that it is the right thing to do, and I can feel that she is finally joyful that I have realized it.

Time to learn how to get back to the land of the living.