Christmas Came

It's no secret for most people who know me, or even just read this blog, that the holidays are really difficult for me, and the closer it gets to each one, the harder it is on me. This year, I have to say, while it was still very messy emotionally, it was definitely an improvement over last year. Slight, but an improvement, nonetheless. HAHA!

I have been thinking a lot about Ellie, honoring her, honoring the experience, honoring the things I've learned from it, and in a sense, making my Father in Heaven proud of me in how I've handled this trial (or blessing?) that he has handed me. He really does know us, and know what we are capable of. He knows how to push us, if we just open our hearts, minds, and ears, to allow the guidance to show.

I had a special visit from a friend in our ward, who was concerned with how I was actually handling everything. She was right to be concerned. I was, and still am, having a really difficult time. She was definitely guided by the spirit, in some of the things that she said to me. One of the things she said was that perhaps my daughter (and hers) have a lot of work to do, and they aren't able leave us, to do the work assigned them, because they are worried about us, and feel they can't leave us just yet. She said that the best way I could honor her, was by letting her go, and allowing myself to be happy. Releasing myself from the burdens, and guilt, that I hold over myself every minute, of every day. That was the BIGGEST lesson I got from that beautiful, impromptu visit.

So, I've been thinking about that special message, and I've been wracking my brain about how I could get myself to move on. I knew that this transition was coming, because I could feel it, but I just didn't know how. And truth be told, I still don't. HAHA! But, another friend in this ward, asked me a very important question. "What makes you happy?" I couldn't answer that question right away. I really didn't know what made me happy. The thing that was just for me, that just brought me joy. I've been thinking about that question for days now, even weeks. A few days before Christmas, I received an email from a blog that I follow, and it was about capturing Christmas Day, with your loved ones, in a way that truly conveys what was going on. I didn't get a chance to read the whole thing, but just the idea of the article and tutorial, really got me thinking. And then the question came to my mind, again, "What makes you happy?" In that moment, I got it. Photography makes me happy. I came up with an idea, for Christmas Day. I would photograph Christmas morning. But, I would do it in a way, that hopefully, captured my childrens joy, along with the love that I felt for them, at the same time. I think that's the goal of any photograph, for me anyways, is conveying the story, the emotion, that the subject you are photographing has, along with the passion for that subject that the photographer has, and their story, and circumstance, in that photograph, at one time. That is what makes a great photo, for me. Everyone's opinion is different, but for me, that's what's important. So, I really thought about the photos I would take. I thought about the gifts we were giving them, and what their reactions might be to those gifts, and how I would capture that. I thought about this photography class that I took, and how the instructor tried to teach us how to get the shot we were wanting without using any editing programs (it was a terrible class in most ways, but as far as composition, it taught me a ton!). So for this, I didn't want to edit, except for, possible minimal cropping. It was coming straight from my camera to my computer. That was important to me, for some reason.

Christmas morning came, and I was trying to fight feeling down, that I was missing one child. I was trying to fight off the feeling of going to the cemetery to check on her, and tell her Merry Christmas, and of just letting the day pass me by, by not participating. So, I did what makes me happy. I picked up my camera, and I got down on the ground, with my children, and photographed each one of them opening their gifts. As I watched them, through my lens, I started to get teary. I was able to single them out, away from their siblings, and the excitement that each was causing the other, and get just them. I was able to portray them in a way, that, hopefully, in years to come, they can look back on the photos and say, "Wow! Mom got us. That is who I am." I hope that when they look at these photos, it tells them who they were, and what their personalities were, without me having to tell them personality traits that they had. Each child is different, and I wanted to show that. They are a unit, but they are individuals too.

I got teary because, I wouldn't be able to find Ellie in these photos. I wouldn't know what toy got her the most excited. But, as those thoughts of guilt, sorrow, inadequacy and complete depression started to sink in, I would start shooting again, and I would find my joy, again.

I got home from the Rogers' Christmas, and I started going through the photos, and cropping the few that I needed to. I started to smile again, at the thought of the day, and what each little face was representing. As I was choosing some of Sarah, I noticed a trend. In almost all of her photos (almost), I would see the 2 ornaments on the tree that represented her, and represented Ellie. Sarah had hung them lower, to show how tall she thought Ellie would be, and she placed them close together, with their hands overlapping, because she said that her and Ellie would be holding hands all of the time. In each photo of Sarah, except for 3 or 4, the ornaments were there, in the background. When I noticed this, I realized then, that Ellie will be in each photo that I take of my children, because in most cases, their mommy will be taking the photo. And losing Ellie is what really propelled me into photography, in a more serious way. In each photo that I take, of either  my children, my friends, my husband, perfect strangers, Ellie will be in all of them. Because, if it wasn't for this trial, or blessing, I call it now, of losing my youngest daughter, I may not have found this beautiful way to express myself, while doing service for others.

The clan, complete with Clyde photo bombing

Luke is pretty excited, but you can't see it....cause he's wearing a mask. HA!

Pure, butt clenching, baby joy!

Lucas keeps us laughing with his hilarious, smart, sense of humor

She's such a quirky beauty. I love her.

goofball

EXCITING!!!!

Even after 7 of them, light sabers are still AWESOME!

One of my favorites. I love getting sweet moments like this.

They really are buddies

His faces just crack me up

He had to take every little piece of paper off of each gift, before he could really look at it.

She got teary when she got this gift.

Taylor has the best imagination, ever!

All Done!

I may not have the art of photography down, and I may even suck at it. But, to be honest, it's my happy. Its an escape from the negative emotions that I was feeling about myself, or about missing one of my children. As I looked at the photos, I saw that as much as I try to disconnect from people, and feelings, and special occasions, I haven't disconnected at all. Each photo that I took of my children, showed me that I do know them each, as individuals, and was able to show them, and their personalities. And by doing that, it showed that I loved them so much, because I knew them. I hope that makes sense. HA!

I love my family. I love my children. I love my life. Heck, I even love my trials. I am grateful for every opportunity that I have been given, for the Savior to teach me. Because, the same way that I am able to show my love for my children, and others, through photographs, my Savior shows He loves me, through trials I am given. He shows his love for me, by teaching me lessons and strengthening my faith and testimony in our Father. By doing that, I am able to understand my purpose and direction better, in this life, and give those lessons of love, to my family. I love the circle of love that I can create through enduring the trials, and turning them into blessings.

I have one more month until my youngest daughters third birthday. I have decided that, starting in January, I am going to try to start a new positive year. It may hold (and it most likely will) sorrow and tears, but I want it to turn into a positive thing. I want my daughter to feel like her mother is ok, and she can move on, and do the work that our Father is asking of her. I want her to know that I am ok, and I will continue to work, and grow my spirit, so that way I can meet her again, one day, and hold her, and all of my children, for eternity. I am going to take the thing that I love, the thing that is mine, that makes me happy, photography, and help me to find the positive, beautiful moments in life. This last year, really lacked a lot of perspective on my part, of what is beautiful, and lovely. So, in the same way that I photographed Christmas, I hope to bring that same thing through out the year, and thereby, I hope to show myself how beautiful this life, and everything around me is. I hope that by doing this, I show myself my own worth, beauty and how deserving I truly am for what I have, while doing something that I love.

I am so full of love for this Christmas. While it was hard, and its difficult to get through, I am deeply grateful for this beautiful day, to celebrate our Saviors birth. Because, without the birth of the Savior, and all of the things that that birth meant, and all of the things he did with his life, I wouldn't have the knowledge of my Father in Heaven. I wouldn't have a way to return to Him, and hold my children again. I, ultimately, would have no hope, in this life, and no purpose or direction. I am grateful for everything that our Savior did for us, so that I can have all of the opportunities that were allowed me, because of his birth. I am grateful for the hope that His birth, brought to mankind.