The Messiness That is Me Right Now

I have been off and on in tears, doin the ugly cry for about 2 weeks now. I don't know what is wrong with me!! Why can't I hold it together anymore?! I hate feeling like this, and feeling like I'm helpless to do anything about it. I hate how I feel, I hate what this is doing to me, and I hate what it's doing to everyone around me.

Last night, I may have had one of the worst cries I've had in a while. I mean, that cry where there is snot and tears running all over your face. It's a beautiful look. NOT! I have been wrestling with all things Christmas, and Ellie, the last few weeks, and as certain events come closer, the harder it gets. I have to make decisions, that may sound silly to anyone else, and really no big deal to anyone else, but for me......they mean a ton! 

In a previous posting, I spoke about finding an ornament for the kids, at Target, and while doing this, having a monumental breakdown in the middle of the Christmas section of the store, because I couldn't decide if I was going to get Ellie one or not. Those types of small decisions, that I believe, a lot of people take for granted, are such giant decisions for me, and I can't make them! I finally did decide on the wooden dolls, and I decided to get one for Ellie. So, I bought 2 wooden girl dolls, with yarn hair, and crocheted clothes, and 3 wooden boy doll ornaments that had crocheted clothes, all different, and all wearing ski's, for the boys. I brought them home, and Sarah was so excited to see that I had bout one for Ellie. She asked if she could hang it. Why was that such a big deal? Why was that so hard to make that decision? Wait for it, it's coming. I watched her walk over to the tree, with the 2 girl dolls, and take a lot of time, thinking about the placement of them on the trees. I walked over to her and said, "What are you doing?" She said, "Look mom, I have them low on the tree, because I think Ellie would be that tall now, and I have them holding hands, because that's what we would be doing." So sweet, but so crushing to this mama. I swallowed it down, and hugged her, and said I thought that was great, and Ellie would love that. She said, "Mom. She does love it. She's always right next to me, and she said she loved it." And another blow to my soul was felt with that too.

Allan was gone overnight for work, on a Monday. I decided to have Family Home Evening that night, with just me and the kids. I decided to talk to them about the different meanings of the decorations, and why we have them up for Christmas. When I told them this, before I could even start, it went in a different direction. Sarah asked me, "Mom. Why don't we have a stocking up for Ellie?" I stared at her, blankly, not knowing what to say, or what the right answer is for her. And just as I was about to say......anything.....Luke chimed in and said, "Mom. Does Santa visit Ellie in Heaven?" I just sat there. My soul feeling defeated, and I didn't know what to tell my children. I don't know what the right answers are. I don't know!! I DON'T KNOW! But, I can't tell my kids that. So, I said, with a small tear forming, "Honey, I am sure that the children are very well taken care of for Christmas. They get to have the best part of Christmas! They get to be with Jesus Christ, on his birthday! I bet they have a huge birthday party, and have lots of fun!" The kids were satisfied with that answer, and I decided that FHE is finished. HA! We sang a song, had a prayer, got kids in bed, and just as soon as I closed the last door, after tucking in the last child, I sank down against a wall, in the hallway, and just cried.

This is my day, every day, since I lost Ellie. And I promise you, it's every day. Most of the time, I can handle those questions, and they don't sting as much as they used to. But, right now, at my weakest, I can't handle those questions. I don't know what to do with those questions. In my head, I just want to scream, "I DON'T KNOW!! LEAVE ME ALONE! DON'T KNOW!" But, I can't do that. I have to always be mom, and be together, and calm, and answer the questions clearly. That's hard to do when I am struggling with those questions myself. Because, I don't know.

One struggle that I have is making decisions, when it comes to honoring Ellie. I base almost every decision out of fear. You see, a question most of us Angel Mommies dread is the questions asked, "How many kids do you have." DECIDE! How many kids do I have?............in my head, I battle that answer all of the time, because I'm asked all of the time. I have to weigh out the moment. They are going to ask me how old they are, which means, that I will have to tell them that one of them would be turning 3, but she died.  So, do I have 4 kids, or do I have 5 kids. But, then I think, well I had 2 miscarriages, each at 14 weeks. Are they my children too? So, now do I have 7 children (I so wish), or do I have 5 children.....or do I have 4? These are decisions, that I face all of the time, and conversations I weigh out in a matter of seconds. Sometimes, the people seem ok to tell them that I have lost a child, and they are sweet about it, and sometimes, it turns completely awkward. Very recently, during this very question, I said I had 5 children, and then the age question was asked, and so I told the woman, "I have an 8 year old daughter, 6 year old son, 5 year old son, a daughter who would've been 3, and a son who is almost 2." She wanted to know about Ellie, so I told her briefly that I lost her at 37 weeks pregnancy. She said, "Oh, ok. So you have 4 children then."......I sighed, smiled, and said, "Yes. I guess I do." What is the right answer? There isn't one, I don't think.

Another struggle is honoring her. It's so painful to go to these events. I get so angry inside, and when I get home, I am just a mess. I'm so mad, so upset, and just crying all over the place. The Walk to Remember, while it is so beautiful, and so amazing, but it kills me. I want her to be standing next to me, holding on to my leg, wanting a balloon, and playing with her siblings on the playground. I don't want to release a balloon with a note attached, I just want to hug her and tell her those things in her ear. During the Memorial Tree, at the hospital, we hang ornaments for our lost children, and light a candle. I want her to pick out her ornament, and hang it herself, and I want to watch her blow out her birthday candles, not light one in her memory. On her birthday, I don't want to sing happy birthday, alone as a family, to no one. I want to sing to her, with our friends and family around us, celebrating her birth, and loving on her, and watching her smile get bigger and bigger, as the song goes on. For these events, I am so consumed by anger, and frustration, and sadness, that I don't know what direction to go in. I just get quiet and smile, and stand very very still. However, during all of this, I have 4 other children with me, that are experiencing this too, so I need to be an example to them, and not let that anger come out, and have that breakdown. Also, during those events, I watch them crumble too! During the Walk to Remember, Sarah came up to me, sobbing, and just said, "I miss Ellie." We had to walk and talk, and it took her a long time to calm down. She told me before we even went, that she really didn't want to go because it makes her sad.....I felt terrible that I forced her to go, and I caused her pain and sadness. Every event that comes, I can never decide if its ok for my children to go, because I'm afraid of what it's doing to them. I already feel responsible for the hard time that this has caused them, and the sadness that it has brought to their lives. Plus, I feel terrible for the mother that this has brought them, who is constantly sad, when she should be happy. I wrestle with the decisions of taking them to these things so much, that most of the time, I just say, "Screw it! I'm not going!" But in saying that I'm not going, I am INCREDIBLY fearful that I will hurt Ellie, because I didn't do the one thing I COULD do for her. So, I never feel like I can win. I have 4 Earthly children depending on me, and are being hurt by this if I do it, and 1 (or 3) Heavenly children that are also depending on me, and possibly hurt, if I don't do it. But, then I think, "Do they even care?! Does Ellie care if I hang a stupid ornament on a tree? Does she even know? Or does she think it's silly that I'm still sad about this? What does she think?!" 

And after all of this wrestling, I always come back to........is she mine? I used to know this. Am I mourning a child that I actually never had? When I die, will she be my child? If so, then will the other 2? As a church member, everything I have read says, "Not much is known". One prophet will say that those children are ours, and then another later prophet will be vague about confirming this, and will say it is unknown. 

I, now, parent, out of fear, I think, when it comes to making these decisions. I am fearful about what possible sadness and hurt this could cause my living children, and I am fearful about what hurt I may be causing my Heavenly children. And not only that, I was told that a lot of marriages don't survive the loss of a child. So, now, I'm fearful that my husband will leave me too. I'm fearful that my children will be hurt, and hate me because of this, and that my marriage will fail, and I will lose everything I love more than anything. I can't win. I just can't.

I don't know anything. The only thing I know is she is dead. She is. There is no getting around the ugly fact, that she is dead. That is the only thing I know for sure. I don't know why she died. I don't know if she is mine. I don't know if she knows me. I don't know if she cares that I do these things. I don't know if she knows the struggles that I have because of this. I don't know if she cares about birthdays, ornaments or quilts. But, I also don't know what possible ramifications this event, and my sadness, will have on my family, especially, my children, until they get older. It scares the crap out of me. The other night, I was just angry, and having a hard time, and I felt like I was yelling at the kids, for EVERYTHING, and having no patience or understanding. When I was tucking them in that night, I walked into Sarah's room, as she was just getting in bed. I started apologizing to her, for how I was acting, and I was starting to tear up. My sweet sweet girl walked over to me, and put her arms around me and said, "Mommy, it's ok. It's ok to cry. Go ahead. I miss Ellie too, a lot." And instead of letting go, she just stood there, with her arms around my waste, hugging me tighter, as I cried, and saying, "It's ok to cry." I don't want my kids to only remember their mother this way!

On top of this, I have been lonely. When I get THIS sad, I shut down. I stop answering the phone, I stop leaving the house. I stop getting online. I stop everything. Why? A big reason is that when I talk, people don't know what to say, or do, and first they say, "I'm sorry." And then they say, "Have you thought about going to therapy?" That shuts any further conversation down. Not because I am against therapy. Quite the opposite. But because it makes me feel like you couldn't be bothered to soften yourself, and just give me a hug, and tell me, "I'm sorry."......AND THAT'S IT. I want someone to let me vent, and not be fearful that it was just way too much for them to handle listening to. I want to feel comfortable enough to cry on someones shoulder, when I need to cry, and not think, "Oh crap. They think that I'm insane. They are going to think that I'm too much to handle being friends with, and they will leave too." I want to be able to call someone, and talk, and not worry that I've just stressed them to the max, and it's going to impede on their responsibilities with their lives or families. I want to feel like someone is there for me. But.......there's not. It is too much, and it is too big.....and most of all.....there's nothing to be done. Nothing can fix this. My husband is there, as much as he can be, but this also gets frustrating for him, because he wants to fix it! He wants me to feel better too! And nothing he does makes me feel better. I hate that for him. I'm so frustrated for him! Plus, he's not home a ton, so he can't actually be there, either. My sister tries hard to be there, but I also get in the same habit with her, that I do with everyone else, and I don't tell her either, very often. It's lonely, and it's hard. But, with the kids and the house, and all of those responsibilities, I have to constantly shove it down, and get to work. It rarely gets released, unless I write. And even writing this, it has taken me 2 hours now, because a kid has interrupted me every 10 minutes with something, and I have to stop and take care of it.

One common thing, threading this giant unraveling rope together is, control. I have no control over anything. Every decision, I have no control of the outcome, and I don't know the outcome. I can't even guess. Every thing relating to her death, I had no control over. I only have a lot of unknowns, about everything, and that scares the crap out of me. Having only unknowns, gives me no direction to move to. I have no way of knowing if what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know what I'm supposed to do! I have no control.

Christmas is a week and a half away. Do you know what I want for Christmas? I can't even decide that, to tell you the truth. On one hand, I want nothing, because nothing is what I feel I deserve. I want nothing, because you can't give me her back, so what's the point of even saying I want that out loud? But, on the other hand, I want physical things, so that I can do good with them, to honor her!.......but then as I say that, the thought in my head is, "But you don't deserve that. That would make you happy, and you don't deserve to be happy." I feel like I don't deserve anything good, because, since I don't know what happened, and why she died, I blame myself. I'm her mother, and I didn't protect her. I know that's a frustrating thought for a lot of my friends and family, but it is what it is. I have no answer, so I immediately blame me.You see, normally, I can battle those thoughts, and I can win. I can combat those feelings, and just push past them, and be happy. And each time I would move past them, it would get easier and easier. But, this crap, during the holidays, came up suddenly, and it just keeps coming. The thoughts of what would she be doing right now, the questions my kids have constantly, the loneliness because everyone is so busy......life, coming over and over again, are just too much to handle right now, and I just want it all to go away. I want it all to just stop, and just let me catch my breath for a minute. I want the pain to stop for a second, and let me regroup, and then get back to it......but there is no pain pill for this one. There is no fixing this one. There is no Christmas gift that anyone can give me, that will be her.

On the deserving front, my husband bought me a new camera, and a few new lenses......I can't bring myself to take any photos with that camera, or to even pick it up. It cost him a lot of money to replace the camera that was stolen, and I can't touch it. I don't feel deserving of such a large gift. It's too much. So, it sits on my desk, just sitting there. Last night, he wanted to play with the WIFI, and remote on it, and we kind of played with it, but it almost hurt, because I screwed up, and that's why my other camera was taken (that's what I think in my head, anyways), so I don't deserve to have another one!..........it sucks. I want to be excited, and love it....but I just can't. Not right now.

I feel bad for people that call, and I just ignore the calls. And I feel bad for the people that have texted, or emailed me, and I have not responded. I have nothing in me that feels like I can ask, "How are you doing?" because, I can't take on one more thing wrong. Its too hard to even have a conversation. I don't want those people to feel that I don't care, or I hate them, or mad at them. I don't want them to worry about me, or stress that I'm not ok. I'm not ok, but I'm not suicidal or anything. I feel bad for my kids, because we live in the most amazing city on the planet! And, mommy just can't bare to leave the house, to go see all of those neat things. I'm just having a hard time right now. It's just easier to stay home, be quiet, be a mom and a wife, work on photos, and stay in my bubble........just for right now. It hurts to much to do anything else. It hurts too much to move.

Everything is a mess right now. I am hopeful that I will get back to myself shortly. I am hopeful that the waterworks stop. Hell, I'm hopeful that when I come out of this, that I still have friends left, who won't say, "Oh crap. She's coming. Hurry! Leave before she see's us!" Please be patient with me. I think that's advice that I could give to any friend, or family member of an Angel Mommy. Be patient. It comes and goes, and it never stops coming and going, like the tides. Sometimes the waves are small, and we can just wade in the water, and stay standing as the small swells come around our body. And sometimes, the waves are so powerful, and strong that it knocks us down. We don't know which waves we are going to get, but we keep trying to get back up again, and keep moving. Right now, I feel like I'm in a massive tidal wave, and I can't seem to get up, before it knocks me down again. All of this wrestling with these decisions, and emotions, and kids and worries.......I'm exhausted. I am mentally exhausted. I'm so tired. But, it will pass, and it will calm. 

I'm a mess right now. This is my life right now, and I'm sure that by reading this, there is no one on the planet who can keep up, with all of the skipping around of feelings and such. Imagine how I feel living it!? There is so much wrong, but there is so much right too. I just have to get out of this funk, to battle the dark feelings, so I can start seeing all of the right again. I don't know when that will happen, and I don't really want to work, right now.........but it will happen. I just hope everyone will be patient with me while I figure this out, and get my footing again.