The Dress

On Sunday, we went to Allan's parents for dinner, as usual. I was a little afraid to go, because of how I felt the night before, at Kelsey's birthday dinner. This time, Allan kept asking me if I wanted to go, and assuring me that if I wanted to stay home, it was ok. But I went anyways, deciding that it was best for me to try to face things, rather than running away from them, or hiding from them.

It wasn't too bad. There was a bit of awkwardness at first, I didn't really look at anyone, or talk much, but as dinner was being served, I loosened up a little bit, and it seemed like so did everyone else. The kids didn't seem phased by any of it. They ate like they were supposed to and got down and just ran around in circles until we were all finished eating, and couldn't handle the noise any longer. I had to take a toy away from Taylor, because it was too obnoxious to listen to. I took in the kids' bedroom that they have at Cliff and Becky's house, and put it in the closet. As I set it in there, I looked up, and saw the dress that Luke picked out for his baby sister, Ellie. I stood there for a minute staring at it, remembering the night that the kids and I went to Baby's R Us, and I let the kids pick out whatever they wanted for the baby. I remembered how excitedly Luke ran up to me, saying, "Mommy, the baby likes this one!" and he threw it into the cart. He was so proud of himself. He even picked out the right size! Newborn.

As I stood there, and was trying to talk myself into walking away, I got very nervous about Ellie's things. The day I gave birth to her, the Rogers' came over and took down the crib and cleaned out the baby's room, for us. Allan thought it would be easier on us, if none of her things were there when we got home that evening. I kept thinking of all of her things in their garage, and felt a little bit of anxiety. I didn't have anything else of hers, and having her things in the garage, felt like having her in the garage. Like I was just trying to push her away and forget about her. I wanted to grab that dress and all of her things in the garage and just bring them home. Even if they sit in my garage, they are home..........she was home. I was so afraid that her things would be passed along to other people that could use them (Even though I know Becky would never do that.) because I wasn't able to use them. I failed.

I shook off the anxiety, and wiped the tears and came out of the bedroom, trying to act normal. I'm not sure that was accomplished, but as I think about it now, who cares.

Last night, after the kids went to bed, I talked to Allan and told him what I felt. He offered to bring her things home, but I didn't think that would be a good idea right now. Might be harder, rather than make me feel better. He assured me that her things would be safe at his parents house, and they would hold her things as long as we wanted them to, that I didn't need to worry about it.............even though I still do.

I guess I just feel desperate to hold on to her. I have a hard time remembering her face, because we got to spend so little time with her. I can remember the feelings of her inside of my stomach, kicking around, climbing up my ribs, sleeping, rolling, and all of the other things that come along with being pregnant. But I can't remember her physically. Allan took some pictures of her in the hospital, and Scott took some beautiful pictures of her as well. Those pictures have been my lifeline lately. They calm me down and help me remember her. I'm so grateful that we have those pictures to remember our baby girl.

I'm so blessed to have a husband that is so understanding and caring. He doesn't try to rush me to do anything, and is only home for me. He tries to help me so much, and take care of me. He wants to just do whatever he can to make me feel better. I really am a lucky woman to have such a sweet and caring man.