I Want To Be Okay

The last few days, I have not been ok. I have been waking up filled with anxiety, and completely emotional. I have been missing my baby so terribly lately, and have really been beating up on my self this week.

All week, starting Monday, I have had anxiety like I've never had before. I feel like my nerves are going to come out of my legs and stomach. I thought it was because of my doctors appointment coming up, but  turns out that wasn't completely it. On Wednesday, I went to my doctors appointment, and found out that they didn't have any results back in, because the hospital was taking their time doing everything. It crushed me. I was already a wreck earlier in the week, but that just devastated me. Everything just went wrong from there. Nothing earth shattering, just little stuff that piled up.

Thursday was the worst day. I woke up emotional and was crying all day long. I was so full of sadness that I couldn't help myself. I just wanted to run away and never come back. I felt like I was turning myself inside out. I couldn't stand myself anymore. I had no patience for anything, and felt depressed that day. I found that if I talked, I cried, so I just stopped talking. The weird thing was, I wanted to be left alone, but I needed a friend so badly. I needed to cry, and get a hug, and talk til I was blue in the face. But I didn't want to talk to anyone!

That night I had Young Women's activities. They had their last stake basketball game. I drove 2 of the girls to the activity. They knew something wasn't right when they got into the car and I had my angry music on. HA! Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory CD is on of my favorite cd's, especially when I'm not ok. hahaha. Lucky for me, one of the girls really loved it.

When we got there, I wanted to curl up into a ball and sit in the corner, so that no one could see me. I really didn't want to talk to anyone there. I walked in, with a huge fake smile on my face and stood in the back a smidge Ashley, our Young Women's secretary saw me, and we made small chit chat, and then she went inside. I saw Amy Bryan there, with her hair in pig tails and freckles painted on her face. She's a silly lady. I just love her. She really got into hings. So before she could see me, I walked down the basketball court and sat on the other end of the court in some chairs. I watched the game quietly, and by myself for about 3/4 of the game, Amy saw me, and came running over. I tried to let her know that I wasn't having a great day and wanted to be alone, but she wasn't buying it at first. Finally she did.

After the game, we all went out front and Amy took pictures of everyone and handed out otter pops. I just wanted to leave, but now I had 4 girls to take home. I waited and put on the happy face for pictures and in front of the girls. Finally, we could leave. I took all of the girls home and then I started on my way home. I pulled into the driveway, and then pulled right back out again. I didn't want to be there, so I pulled out and just drove around. I came home and left about 4 times that night. I just didn't want to go back there. I hated being there. I hated everything. My baby is supposed to be there, but she's not, so I didn't want to be there. I finally came home and stayed put, but stayed quiet.

Friday came around. Same kind of day as Thursday. My doctor called me that afternoon and told me that she got the results of the blood work. They told her that the dang blood guy didn't draw enough blood in the hospital, to find out if I have that clotting disorder that my sister has. So that test was inconclusive and I have to re-do it. Then, she said that the tissue sample that they took didn't create any new cells, so that test was inconclusive. She was upset for me, and I heard, "I'm so sorry that we don't know anything." I wanted to collapse and just bawl. I was so upset that I heard "I don't know" again. I'm so sick of "I don't know". I want to know anything. She asked me to come into her office, and draw the blood there, so we can get it done right.

Allan and I went out that night to dinner and we were supposed to go to a boxing match at Planet Hollywood, but of course, that fell through too, so we went and played pinball instead, and then went to Biaggio's for desert. I just wasn't having any fun, and neither one of us were doing very well at pinball. When we went to Biaggio's, he asked how I was doing, with the head tilt. It wasn't an upbeat "How are you doing", it was a sympathetic head tilt one. Then he proceeded to tell me that I looked gorgeous and looked like I was getting a little pep in my step again. I was a good liar, I guess. We came home, sent the babysitter home, and then got into bed. We watched a movie, and then I bawled......again.

I am getting frustrated. I am so tired of "I don't know". I want an answer. I desperately want to hear something, because for me, I feel like it's my fault. If I have an answer, then I can stop blaming myself. I feel like everyone wants me to be over it, and tells me that I can CHOOSE my emotions. I can CHOOSE to be over this. Really?!

I feel like I have to put on a happy face because if I don't, then I get the head tilt, "how are you doing" look. I hate that look. I don't have many people that I feel comfortable enough to cry in front of, and have the emotional breakdown that I so desperately deserve, so I just don't. I do a lot of hard gulps, instead of crying. I keep telling myself, "If I keep lying, saying that I'm OK, then soon, it'll be true. My lie will become the truth."

Truth is, I'm not ok. I want her so badly. I hate when Allan and I talk about something good that happened, and I always think, "BUT, Eleanor wasn't there." There's always a BUT, when it comes to good stuff. Last night, as I was crying, and Allan was holding me, and crying too, I kept thinking about her hair. Her soft, black, wavy hair. I just wanted to stroke her hair again. I wanted to feel her, but I can't. Then I felt bad for my other children, that I don't give them the same emotional space, that I give her.

Allan got out of bed for a minute, so I got up and decided I needed to take care of a little tooth fairy business, for Sarah. I walked in her room, and couldn't help it. I crawled into bed with her, and stroked her hair, and listened to her breath. It was the best noise ever. She moved in closer to me, and I felt her breath on my neck, and could hear her breath so clearly. I couldn't help but think about Ellie, at the hospital. I never heard her breath. I never smelled her sweet baby breath smell. She wasn't a warm, sweet, wiggly baby, that stretched every time you picked them up. I layed there with Sarah, snuggling her. I loved her so much. I thought about how hard I've been on her, and I felt so bad that she always takes the brunt of it. I wished I didn't let her down, and that I could give her a baby sister. But I can't.

I am trying so hard to do what I know is right, and trying so hard to feel ok. But this week, I feel like I'm not lying well enough. I just want this all to stop so badly. I want to stop feeling my stomach, every time a pregnant woman comes around. I want to stop feeling hatred and anxiety when I see a woman who has a baby or who is pregnant. I just want everything to stop, so I can be by myself for a while. But it never does. The whole situation is cruel. I want one good thing to happen, but when one good thing happens, the wind gets knocked out of my sails by something devastating. I'm trying so hard to find the lesson in everything, and to find the positive in everything, like I always do, but it's really getting tougher for me.

I just want to be ok. I want this all to go away. I want to know why this happened to me. What did I do?