The last few days have been pretty darn good days. I've had a few crappy moments, but generally pretty good days. I feel like I'm being a productive member of my family again. We lost our "Mexican" (as I call him. I mean our yard guy. HA!), so I've spent time getting quotes from new ones, and then made arrangements for our cousin's husband to come out and generously refinish our handrails on our banisters. Also, doing tons of laundry and still trying to potty train the dang puppy (I hate the dog, but I kinda think he's cute. Conflicting emotions. It's a love hate relationship we have.). Also, I've been trying to plan a family vacation that Allan wanted to go on, because he thought it would be a good change of scenery.
Tomorrow is a day I'm nervous about, and have no desire to do, however. Allan asked my bishop to refer a counselor for me to talk to about losing Ellie. Last week, when I was having a bad time, I thought it was a great idea, but this week, it's been kinda ok, so now I feel no need. I know its good for me, but I'm not a person that likes to ask for help. I feel like such a burden on people. Or, if I talk to someone about my past, or about any issues I have, I leave feeling completely embarrassed and wondering why I told them all of that stuff.
Last night, Sister Spendlove and I, took our Beehives to go visit another Beehive, the bishops daughter, in the hospital. His wife asked if we would bring all of the gifts they'd received, to their house, so she didn't have to try to take them to the car by themselves. When Sister Spendlove and I got to their house the bishop was there, and invited us in. He asked if I had contacted the counselor yet, that he recommended. I told him I did, and tried to play it off, but it didn't work. Sister Spendlove, later in the car, asked what that was about, so I told her I was going to see a crazy person doctor on Friday. I tried to play it off again and be relaxed about it, but inside, I felt like I had to be crazy if I needed to go speak with someone. She just said it's probably a good thing and we didn't talk about it again.
Tonight, I was reading on another cousin's blog, who is pregnant with twins, that she found out she's having 2 girls..........and my heart sank when I heard that. Why?! I should be happy for her. Why does that depress me, or make me feel that way? Why do I get mad that she can have 2 girls, and I couldn't even have my 1? Why is everyone around me pregnant, and having girls?! My head goes to, "I did something wrong, and this is God's punishment. This is his torture for me." But I know....deep down.......somewhere, that what I'm thinking isn't true.
So, am I crazy. Yes. I think anyone would be in my situation. Am I crazy enough to need to talk to someone.......I have no idea. I've only talked to one counselor before, one time. He was an idiot, and I was 12, not a good combo. I don't know how she is going to fix me. Can she give me my baby back? Cause if not, it's not good enough and it won't help. Everyone keeps telling me to have an open mind, but I have to say, I don't. I'm not positive about this, but I guess going to see a crazy person doctor is part of this whole process. I hate that I have to talk to her. I feel like I'm weak having to talk to someone, and I don't want to feel that way.
I'm hoping that tomorrow will still be a good day, like the last few days have been, however, I'm afraid talking to the counselor will not bring me any resolution. I'm not sure what I'm expecting to happen, or what kind of help she can bring, but I do hope that somehow, she can make me feel somewhat better.
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3 comments:
People who seek out help when they need it are not weak, they are smart. You need to be able to say all of the things you would be afraid to say out loud to anyone except a stranger. You are doing the right thing.
Laurie, I think you are amazing. I think about you everyday and continually have you in my prayers.
You are not crazy just because you are going in to talk to someone. I was struggling once and when I hit rock bottom, I went in to see a counselor. I was so embarrassed and I spent the first few minutes explaining that I was a normal person and that I wasn't crazy and blah blah blah. He assured me over and over again that I was not crazy. I was a daughter of God who had a great capacity for feeling emotions, and I was brave for taking that step in getting myself healthy again. I hope your appointment goes well... for me, counseling was hard because it forced me to bring everything to the surface, but in the end there was finally healing.
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