Happiness Interrupted

I know this is out of order, but if I wait to post it, I'm afraid I'll lose it.....well, not lose it, cause that would be nice, but it'll manifest into something else, so I need to write it down, before it turns into a different feeling.

While we were on our trip to Palm Springs, we got the call that Cecilia's water broke, but that she was having light contractions, but they would get strong, and then fade again. She had decided to have a home birth, so her midwife and her, assumed, in a few days they would have a baby. The few days that we waited were terrifying for me. I know that her labor was agonizing for her, and definitely terrifying. Having a 55+ hour labor will do that. I was afraid for them that something would happen, and I kept asking if they were checking the heart beat, to make sure the baby was doing ok and all that.

While we were at Sea World, we got the phone call that the labor was not progressing, and it was just getting too exhausting and hard on poor Cecilia. Lincoln, Cecilia and her midwife decided it was time to go into the hospital and get the epidural, pitosin and be comfortable. I got so nervous again for them! I felt terrible that the plan that Cecilia and Lincoln wanted so much, just didn't work out. Not to mention that she had to labor for so long (and that girl was in some pain!!).

We went to the last showing of the Shamu show when Allan got a phone call that Cecilia had a healthy baby girl. She was 7lbs, 15 oz.....I think.....and 18 inches long. She was named Lilia Rogers (at first. Later, I got a text from Cecilia saying that she made Lilia's middle name Taylor, so that we'd both have a piece of TC in each of our families.). Allan handed me the phone and talked to Becky as she told me about the baby and the birth, and I acted happy, and I was, for them, but inside, I was crumbling. I was dying. I was thinking about the birth of my baby girl. My mother and Becky were in the room with me. I felt like Cecilia was able to give Becky what I couldn't. Becky sounded elated at the new addition to our family, and couldn't wait to tell us everything. But I couldn't help but think of how she was when she met my little girl, and how sad she was that our little bundle wasn't crying, and wasn't moving, and that she wouldn't be coming home with us. We wouldn't be able to watch her grow.

As I looked back at my birth experience, I felt like I let my family down, and Cecilia was able to do what I couldn't do. She was able to give birth to a happy healthy baby girl, and I was defective. I felt so conflicted inside. How could I feel so happy for them, yet so jealous of them all at the same time?!

Allan hung up the phone, and looked over at me. I tried to put on a brave smile, but he saw through it. He reached around Luke, who was sitting between us, and put his hand on my shoulder, and then onto my back and rubbed it. I could feel that he was thinking almost the same thing I was. We were jealous of them. We missed our daughter. All I kept thinking was, "Tomorrow is Ellie will have been gone for 2 months. I'm glad that she wasn't born on that day."

That evening, I picked up my phone, to check my email and saw that I had a voicemail. I called my voicemail, and heard that the first one was from Becky. She had tried calling my phone first, before calling Allan's. She told us that everyone was fine, and the baby is healthy, along with the weight and the measurements. In the background, I could hear little Lilia crying her sweet newborn cry. I broke down. I turned the phone off, without deleting the message. I just couldn't delete that message, with that wonderful sound in the background. I wanted to hear that sound so badly. I wanted to hold my baby, but I can't.

Over the last few days, I've been thinking about this more and more. 2 days ago, I met Lilia for the first time, when I brought dinner over to the new parents. It was awkward at first, when I walked in and the baby was laying on Ceclia's lap sleeping. They had told me how she hadn't been sleeping well and been feeding every hour. Finally, Lincoln asked if I wanted to hold her. My first reaction was to say no, but I didn't want to run away now, and regret not doing it. So I held the sweet little Lilia. She was tiny, and adorable. She has Cecilia's mouth and hands, and Lincoln's everything else. Lincoln had me sit in his new "man chair", and I just sat and rocked her, chatting with them and trying to make light, all the while, studying her and memorizing her. I was looking to see if she looked anything like my Ellie. She didn't.

I finally gave the baby back to her parents, and told them that I had to leave, because it was getting late. I left and got in my car and turned on my music. I saw that I had a voicemail and a missed call from my Young Women's president. I didn't listen to the voicemail, I just called. I just wanted to talk......about anything.......forever. I didn't want to give my mind the satisfaction of thinking about Ellie. I didn't want to think about her and cry and get down on myself, so I just wanted to talk. My poor Amy (YW President). I feel like I do that to her a lot. I feel like I am just one big drama ball, and that I'm dumping everything on her, when she probably doesn't want to know, HA! Who would? I didn't care. I just wanted to run away from my feelings for a minute.

Over the next few days, I haven't been able to think of anything else. I keep getting down on myself, that I'm a failure....that God is punishing me, because I'm a terrible mother for not protecting her when I felt like maybe things were not ok. I felt like I wasn't righteous enough, and that's why he was punishing me. I felt like every thing that I wasn't doing right, is the reason that I couldn't keep my daughter. I wasn't good enough.

Yesterday, we went to a wedding for a family member in St. George. I walked into the reception, and there weren't many people around. We said our congratulations to the bride and groom and walked around for a minute. I found Allan's cousin, Brittney. She is just the sweetest, greatest person ever. Well, maybe not ever, but I just love being around her. She's just fantastic. I talked to her for a bit, and then Allan and I went inside, where she said she'd see me as soon as she was done taking pictures for the couple. As we walked inside, we saw a big table where his family was sitting. We sat down with them, after getting a little bit of food, and I just felt awkward. I felt like people wanted to ask me how I was doing, but they just couldn't, so they didn't say anything. Everyone that came up to us, to say hi, I could feel that in them. They wanted to know how I was, they just didn't know what to say, so they didn't say anything. At one moment, Allan gave his seat to someone, so he came and stood behind me, but his hands on my shoulders and kissed my forehead. I told him, "I am supposed to have a baby here, that the family is goo-ing over." I felt like I let them down too.

Finally, Brittney came in, and sat herself down next to me. I kept thinking, as she was sitting there, "Why does everyone get to have girls, but me? She is having twin girls! Cecilia just had a baby girl. Why don't I get mine?" Even though I was thinking that, I was so happy she sat with me. She doesn't know it, but I was having a terrible time, thinking of Ellie, and she really lightened the mood for me.

I was told by Becky, that Kim had called or emailed, asking if we had received a necklace that her, Sherri and Brittney had bought for me. I felt terrible. I had received it about a month ago, but I kept forgetting to call them or send them a thank you note. Allan went and talked to her first and then I did. She was so sweet and forgiving. What a thoughtful person. I hadn't talked to her much before that night, but I'm so glad I did. She seems so genuine and loving. She told me that they think about me all of the time, and wish they could help me. Kim said that they read the blog, and are always amazed that I'm able to write it all down and deal with things as well as I am......so she thinks. HA! It was so nice to be honest about things and talk about everything, without anyone feeling awkward. I greatly appreciated that moment. As we left, I still had a nagging feeling that some people were avoiding talking to me much, because they just didn't know what to say to me. However, unfortunately, it made me feel like I had the plague. Like they were embarrassed of me, or didn't want to be around me. It made everything feel worse for me. So, that small conversation with Kim, was a nice interruption of that.

On our way home, Kelsey and Becky came home with us. Becky sat in the front with me and we chatted and chatted the whole way home. It was a nice reprieve from the thoughts. I felt like we hadn't talked like that in a very long time, and I really enjoyed it. I just love her so much.

Today, Allan stayed home from church with Taylor, and I took Sarah and Luke. I couldn't get my darling Ellie out of my mind, and everything that has happened over the last few days. It was fast and testimony meeting, and I wanted to get up and bare my testimony, however, I didn't. I felt like everyone is so sick of me, I didn't want to bring more on. How unhappy I was in the moment, I wanted let everyone know that I have been strengthened by my Heavenly Father, during this difficult time. I wanted to tell my Heavenly Father that I love him for giving me those sweet moments with my daughter, Eleanor, when I am having my hard times, allowing her to come and comfort me, and allowing me to know that she is indeed there, and loves me, and is waiting for me. I am so grateful for prayer and for my visiting teachers, and for my calling. I couldn't have gotten through this experience without all of those things. I wanted to get up and say all of that and more, but I just couldn't bring myself to put myself in front of everyone, feel that, "Oh no, this is going to be depressing" look, and try to get all of that out. I was scared. So I just kept it in. But the more I kept it in, the more I thought about her, and the more I got teary. I wanted to get up and go into the bathroom and compose myself, but I couldn't. I was alone with my children. So I sat there and swallowed hard, a lot.

Gospel Doctrine came along, and it was worse. I wanted someone to just walk up and hug me so badly and let me cry, but who would? No one knew I was hurting so badly at that moment. So I sat there, with my head down most of the class time. I acted like I was listening, but unfortunately, I couldn't help but think about why I failed again. I wanted to stop feeling this way. I hate feeling like this, and people that I tell that to, tell me, "Just stop! At some point, you have to!" I can't! Don't you think I would if I could?! But I can't. I want my life to be different, but it's not. I want it all to go away, but it won't.

Finally, Young Women's was next. I sat there quietly, mostly. I talked to Sister Hunt for a bit, asking about how her family was doing, since they'd been sick recently. I just wanted it all to be over, so I could go home and crawl under the blankets, and cry, and never come out again. I didn't want to talk, or make jokes with anyone. I just wanted to be to the point, get my crap done and get out of there........but deep inside, I really wanted to sit in a corner and just bawl.

Tonight, sitting here writing this, I feel kind of alone. There are only a few people that I know, that understand how caotic I feel right now. One minute I'm fine, and I can think about her, and it doesn't effect me like this, but then another minute, I'm down for the count because of it. I hate it! I feel like I'm out of control with my feelings, but there's nothing I can do. Just give it time, is all I can do. I feel like I'm burdening my friends all of the time, talking to them about this stuff, so I just don't anymore. I talk to Allan about it, but he's so busy with work and side work, that I even avoid him with the subject, unless he brings it up first. I just don't want to add more to everyone's plate of problems. I don't want to be a problem, so I just won't say anything.

Tonight, I'm not ok. I'm very much not. But I'm hoping that tomorrow is a better day, and I can feel somewhat ok again.