It's Almost Here

Tomorrow is a day that I am most nervous about, since losing Ellie. Tomorrow, at 10:00a, I have an appointment to see my OB/GYN.

Why am I so nervous?! I wish someone could answer that question for me. I know that I'm nervous because tomorrow I will be getting the blood work results back, from me, and the tissue sample results back from Ellie. I have convinced myself that those results wouldn't yield any results, except I'm normal. From her, the same. But there is a small part of me that is afraid that it will say I killed her. I did something wrong. Allan tells me that any news that comes will be devastating. I think he's right. I want an answer to this whole thing, so badly, but really......do I?

Another thing I think about is, this whole time, there has been no anger towards God, or anything like that. However, I'm afraid that I'll find that I'm angry with my doctor. Allan says it's understandable, and if it is, then why can't I understand it? It makes no sense to me. Dr. Dalley has been nothing but wonderful. She delivered my boys and Ellie. She has always taken care of me, and listened to me and done everything I wanted her to do. She has counselled me and helped in areas of my life that were unexpected. However, I am afraid that she will tell me she missed something. I am afraid she will say, "You were so far along, I didn't think this would cause you any harm." or something like that. I do not want to be angry with her. She did NOTHING wrong........I have to keep telling myself that.

Not just those things, but during this appointment, it WILL come up, the point of Allan and I may want to try again. The last few weeks, I have been thinking a ton about this. Everyone has been voicing their opinion. I am always told that I will know when it's right, if it's right, however, everyone is telling me I'm not ready yet.......if Allan and I are the ones that will know when and if it is right, then how do you have the right to tell me that I'm not ready. I know, I shouldn't talk to anyone but my husband and Heavenly Father about this issue, however, I can't help it. But, I'm afraid she will say the same thing. She only wants what's best for me, as does everyone else, but we will know for us.

Today, I was playing with the kids, which rarely happens, and it was such a great day. I noticed this and my first thought was, "I couldn't do this with a newborn. I couldn't have this experience if I had a newborn". How terrible. I went in the bathroom and I cried. I felt so bad that on one hand I miss her terribly, that I can hardly stand it, but on the other hand, I'm grateful for the extra time with my kids. What?? That does not make sense. I feel guilty for those thoughts. Allan says that it's just me trying to find the positive side of things. I'm good at that, but I am feeling guilty for that.

It is 12:20am, and I am writing this, sick to my stomach, because I'm so nervous to find out what is going to happen tomorrow. What news the doctor has for me, my family, and my future. I am nervous that she will have no news, and it is just a fluke and nothing is wrong. It's not a fluke! I had her and lost her for a reason. I have to remember that. There is a purpose for everything.

So, we will see what tomorrow brings.