Last night, before Allan and I went to sleep, we talked a ton about Ellie, and what we were thinking about the situation we're in now. We talked about, if we wanted to have another one, and everyone's opinions on the matter. Right before going to sleep, Allan said he wanted to take the kids to Red Rock in the morning. I went through with him, my schedule for the day, and told him I wanted to stay home and get the house cleaned and do laundry. He said that sounded perfectly fine.
The next morning, however, Sarah woke me up at 7:30a. I tried to wake up Allan, to take the kids to Red Rock, but he said he wanted to go in the afternoon instead.........which just set the day off. I knew he couldn't take them in the afternoon, because Sarah has dance class at noon, the boys have naps at 1p and then by the time they wake up and are in an ok mood, it's time to start making dinner. Not to mention, I had a baptism to go to at 3p.
So I went downstairs, got the kids their cereal, and then started cleaning and doing laundry, as I had planned. However, things came to a grinding hault when Sarah decided to spin her head and spit pea soup. Everything just ticked her off. And I mean to the 10th degree! This all started with Sarah asking, again, who will protect Ellie from the bad guys. I keep trying to explain to her that in Heaven, there are no bad guys. Everyone is good and happy and kind and loving. She then asked me how Ellie got out of her grave and got to Heaven. So I tried to explain about her spirit and her body, but the whole concept is way over her 5 year old mind. She didn't get it. The more I tried to help her understand, the more frustrated she got. Finally, in her huff, she told me that she's going to have to figure out how to protect Ellie. She said she's afraid for Ellie. We talked more about it, and it came to the point where I understood that she thought I didn't protect her little sister and that's why this has happened. So she feels like she needs to make sure that her sister is protected herself, since mommy didn't do it. She feels like she can't trust me anymore. I'm supposed to protect the kids and keep them safe and feel loved........in her mind.......I didn't do that.
After that awesome conversation, and my daughter screaming at me because I let Luke choose the movie, after she told me she didn't want to choose, I went upstairs to claim sanctuary in my bed. I got 1 minute of sanctuary, when my children came up the stairs. Allan woke up finally and made plans to take the kids still, now, but Sarah couldn't miss dance, because she's getting ready for a recital. Not only that, it was 11a, so there was no time for her to go and come back. Plus, if Allan left after lunch, they wouldn't be back in time for me to go to the baptism alone, so Sarah would have to come with me.
Everything changed. Allan changed my plans without even considering me. After that, the day went from bad to worse. I was feeling like a huge failure as a mother now, because my child doesn't trust me anymore. Then, my husband changes all of my plans without any thought. As the day went on, I was grumpier and shorter, not to mention Allan now being the same way and making it worse.
It's now, 11:45p. We haven't talked in 4 hours. I know I'm feeling crappy about Sarah, and what she feels about me, and me frustrated because I have no idea how to fix it, but I have no desire to tell my husband anything because of the crappy things he's been saying to me too. So much has happened today, too much to write about, and really, it doesn't matter. I guess I feel like a punching bag today.
On top of my winner of a day, my Young Women's president called me at 9p to remind me that I was supposed to teach tomorrow. The lesson is about creating unity in the family. Ugh. Good day for it, but not really, at the same time. I don't know how the lesson will go tomorrow, but it should be interesting. I'm hoping that somehow, I will figure out the bigger issue of Sarah's feelings. Hope some huge revelation comes my way soon.
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3 comments:
I am sure Sarah is just coping with the loss of Ellie in her own way. It is scary to think about death, especially when you are a little kid. You two are WONDERFUL parents.
It is both wonderful and terrible this gift we call communication, especially when out little ones use it to say what ever comes to their precious little minds. When Tricia's Grandma Cooper died, Emily had a tough time. She wanted to know when she was going to come back alive, and she didn't understand where exactly she went. It took time and answering the same question over and over and patience before her little spirit was soothed. Also, we need to remember that our kids say many things that can be hurtful but they don't understand them to be hurtful. To them it is just what is on their minds. They don't even think before they speak. I know you know all this but it helps me when someone else reminds me of it. When you spend time with her, talk about a time when she did trust you and she will relate that experience with how she feels about you. Again you probably know this but I like to add my suggestions to help.
You have to remind yourself that the Lord loves you, You are not alone,& You have lots of family to help you. We ask the Lord for help on a daily basis. Why is it so hard for us to ask family for help when that is how the Lord intended it. Just remember that People who give service need people to receive that service. The Lord set it up that way however hard or difficult it is.
- You have extended family ready to help. Call upon the prayers that are being offered on your behalf - your family is loved
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry about the situation with Sarah. Death is a very hard concept for everyone and especially little kids to understand. I highly doubt they ever really get it (when they're young). Try to remember that it's not AT YOU, it's just that she doesn't understand, and probably won't. Please know that you're a great mother and that she is blessed to have you. Whether she voices it or not, she KNOWS it and feels it, I'm SURE! :)
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