Well.....Better Than Yesterday

Today was a bit better than yesterday. We got up for church and we were just about on time. We were about 5 minutes late, but because of some confirmations of new members in the ward, we had to wait in the foyar until they were done. BUT WE WERE THERE! HA!

Gospel Doctrine was amazing today. Brother Powell taught about faith. The part of the lesson that really caught me was when he talked about having faith and prayer. He talked about having faith is everything when it comes to prayer. It hit me hard because I have had the hardest time praying. I feel like, when I pray, it is begging for sanity. I feel so out of control, in my head some days, and I try to pray, however, it turns into begging for some sanity in my head. I always pray for my head to feel clear and calm, but it never is. I want to feel like I am not at fault for my daughters death, but I don't. I feel comfort in some moments, but then it returns.

When Brother Powell explained the process of prayer, and how, even when you don't feel like you are saying the "correct" words, it is a big deal. It is complete faith, when it comes from your heart, even when it's as incoherent as mine. I FINALLY felt ok about my prayers. I felt strengthened by what he said, because I felt confident, that my testimony isn't as broken as I thought it was. My testimony has to be stronger than I thought, if through all of these hard times, with the death of my daughter, my own depression, and Sarah feeling like she can't trust me to protect her, because I didn't protect her baby sister, that I can remember to beg to the Lord to feel him there and to help me feel whole. During the rough time of our miscarriage, in the beginning of our marriage, I forgot that, I gave in to the weakness I was feeling, and forgot to ask the Lord for help. I didn't want to forget that this time, and I didn't. Every time I pray, I feel my daughter and my Father in Heaven, with me and comforting me. I feel that special girl, put her hand on my shoulder and say, "Mommy, I'm here. I love you." What a special experience I get to have, and I am forever grateful for that.

During that amazing lesson, however, there was a baby, that was starting to get fussy, so the poor dad was in and out of the room with her. There was one moment, when the baby was just jabbery. Allan leaned over to me and said, "I forgot about those noises that they make." I looked at his face, and he had tears in his eyes. My poor guy. I wanted to hug him and let him cry, but I couldn't, with everyone there. He wouldn't want to make a scene and both of us get up and leave. So I just held his hand tightly and put my head down and got teary with him. I love him so much. I wish I could take that pain from him. I hate to see him hurting, but I'm glad he told me what he was feeling in that moment, because sometimes, I feel like it's just me that's hurting, because we never feel it at the same time, and he's not home when he does feel it.

After the class was over with, I left my things in the Young Women's room, and walked into the bathroom and had a good, quiet cry. I had to go back into that room and teach these young ladies about family unity, and I felt like my family was falling apart that day. After a few seconds, I pulled myself together and walked back into the room. Of course, as I walk in, but who is there, waiting for a hug?? Sister Bryan. She hugged me and thanked me for an email that I sent her, that she thought was so sweet, and made her feel so good. I almost started crying again. I wanted to run away so bad and not come back.....but I didn't. I swallowed deeply and took a breath.

Finally, it was my turn to teach. I said what I wanted to say in the beginning, and then I was interrupted by the bishopric wanting to set apart Kimmie. While they were giving her the blessing, I couldn't help but think, what a special thing it was for her 2 older sisters to witness their baby sister being set apart and blessed for a calling she received. The Lord thought enough of their sister to receive a calling. I thought about Sarah and Ellie. Sarah won't see Ellie be set apart like that. Then I started to get teary again. Ugh. The bishopric left, and I sucked it up and continued. I'm not sure if the girls understood what I was trying to say, I hope they did. I was so scattered and not completely there, so I hope I did ok. I sure love them a ton, and I hope I was able to get something across to them.

We came home, and I sent Allan to bed, to help him feel less overwhelmed, rest, and not deal with the kids. I was able to get the kids to bed, clean the house a bit, and make the food for dinner that night. Allan woke up and he helped me a ton. He seemed to be feeling a little less emotional, and seemed a little less overwhelmed by work. I feel so badly for him. He does so much work, professionally, spiritually and for our family. He is such a great father and an amazing husband. I wish I could take all of this away from him and help him, but I can't. I love him, I want him to be happy.

So, my day wasn't fantastic, but it kind of was! I learned a lot today. I'm glad I'm writing it down, so that when I have another bad day, because it is going to happen, I can remember the amazing thing I learned about faith and prayer, as so eloquently taught by Brother Powell. I just love him and I love the spirit that he brings to everything he does. I'm so blessed to have him in my life, even a small part of it. He's an amazing man.