Counseling........First and Last?

Yesterday, I went and saw a counselor, or as I call her, a crazy person doctor. I was nervous going in, because I wasn't sure what to expect from something like this. The last time I saw a counselor was when I was about 12......I think.....and it was a family counselor. He was an idiot, and I was a snotty kid, who didn't want to be there anyways. I had a big chip on my shoulder and I didn't care to talk about my parents getting a divorce.

I talked to my sister the whole way to the appointment. She had talked to a counselor for a long time. She LOVED going. She thought everyone should go see someone. When I told her the bishop gave me a number of someone to call, to help, she was so happy. On the way to the appointment, she told me not to expect much the first appointment. She said not to expect to be "fixed" on the first day, or to really feel much. I listened and agreed, however, as I got closer to the appointment, I couldn't help but have some hope deep down that this WOULD in fact help, and fix me. It was kind of like the feeling, when I had Ellie, that as I was pushing, I couldn't help but hope that when she came out, she would cry. When she didn't, it felt like I had heard the news for the second time, that she was dead.

I walked into the building, behind the DI, and walked across the very large waiting room. The receptionist greeted me quietly, and explained the paperwork I had to fill out. I sat down and started filling out the papers. I looked up and noticed a teenager, probably about 16 sitting there, with his mom. He had his earbuds in, listening to his Ipod. He didn't seem too happy to be there, and his mom seemed nervous. The whole time I was filling out the paper work, I was wondering why he was there. I couldn't help it. I thought of a ton of scenarios, but of course I have no idea why. Nosy, I know.

Finally, Bobby appeared. She was a short woman, maybe about 5'3, and seemed like she was in her 60's. Just by looking at her, with her long long nails, you could tell she was a spitfire. She brought me into a room, that was her small office, is what it looked like anyways. She told me to sit anywhere, so I sat in a small chair, next to her desk. It was made for a person her size, not for a woman who is 6'0 tall! HA! The first thing she asked me was about my family, my kids and my husband, how old they are and their names. Then she went into why I was there, losing my child. She wanted to know what happened that night and the whole story. I told her. I expected to cry telling her, but I didn't. I think I had told the story so many times that I am almost numb to it. It's telling how I'm beating myself up over it, that makes me cry.

I don't think I can go into everything we talked about, because I can't remember most of it. I do remember she told me 3 or 4 times, that there is nothing she can tell me, provided by the church that can let me know what Ellie is doing, and why she had to go, and what my relationship will be when I see her again. I don't even know when/if her spirit entered her body, so does it count?? Everything on that end of things, is still unanswered, which is frustrating. I have had my own experiences that confirm to me a few things, but I guess I wanted to hear it from someone else.

When I left the appointment, I was angry. I felt like I talked about the situation, got myself emotional, and in that place, and there was no resolve. I don't KNOW anything. It was frustrating. Part of me felt like I wasted my time. So, I called my sister again. She told me the same things again. She knew I would expect a fixer, and it didn't fix anything.

While talking to her, I realized, according to a professional, I am NOT crazy, and I am handling things perfectly. For whatever reason, that brought me some peace. Forcing myself to do everything asked of me, and putting myself in situations that will remind me of Ellie, and forcing myself to talk about it a ton, is good for me. Without it, I would be depressed and a wreck and I would just lay in bed and probably never eat again.

Will I go back to counseling.......probably not, unless I feel like I'm in a spiral of doom and gloom. But I'm glad I went. I tried it. I didn't really learn anything earth shattering about myself, and I don't really feel much better. But I do know I am on the right path.