Doctor's Appointment

I went to the doctors today. It was not as eventful as I would've hoped. I wanted to hopefully, get some answers. But it turns out, there are no answers to be had.

I arrived at the doctors office, with Allan not far behind me, and signed in. I sat down and noticed everyone around me. There was a woman who was very largely pregnant, a woman and her husband who just found out she was pregnant, so they were getting their first ultra sound. There was a family there, the parents and 2 other kids, for the 20 week ultra sound, waiting to find out the sex of the baby. There also was a woman who just had a baby, and brought the baby, and her husband, with them. I sat in the chair, put my head down and just waited. I felt like I had a sign on my forehead that said "Freak Here". I felt terrible. I hated them all for being so happy. Allan arrived, but it didn't help much. He sat next to me, on his phone and played some game on it. I tried to play a game on my phone, but of course lost. HA! I should've known from that. I wanted to run from there so badly and never come back.

Rhonda, Dr. Dalley's nurse, called me back. She shut the door behind us, and put her file on the counter and gave me a hug. It was so sweet of her. She took my weight and my blood pressure and then we moved into the room. I sat on the tall chair, table thingy and waited for the doctor. Dr. Dalley came in and sat in front of me and asked how I was doing. She kept apologizing to me that she didn't get there sooner and everything that happened and all of that. I felt so bad for her that she felt responsible. She wasn't.

She did the exam and did what she needed to do there. Then we got to ask her if we wanted to have more kids, what should we do before then. She said she wanted to do a full work up, blood work-up on me. I told her she ordered it in the hospital, so she looked back through the charts and didn't have any results, so she said she was going to call the hospital and see if they had them. She also said that she'd like me to wait a bit. Not a year or anything like that, but maybe 6 months. She said I needed time to heal, not physically, but mentally. That wasn't in my plan, but maybe she's right. We really wanted to know the blood work results before any of that.

She talked to me about possibilities of what could've happened. She said she was expecting to see a cord around the neck or something like that, but there wasn't anything. She said a possibility is that there could've been a blood clot in the cord, and in that case, there was nothing anyone could do. So she wanted to test me for a blood clotting disorder, which my sister has. According to my doctor, it very much, could be a hereditary thing, so I could have it if she does. In that case, I would be on baby asprine.

After that conversation, she told me to get dressed, she would go call the hospital about the blood-work results, and to stay put. So we did. Unfortunately, they faxed her over what she already had. It was kind of a blow. Her nurse came in and said that Dr. Dalley said that they would be bugging the hospital for them, and that she would call me, personally, when the results came in.

I walked out of the room, numb. I wish I had better news, or any news for that matter. But I don't. I saw Dr. Dalley standing there, and she apologized for not having the results. She said, again, what the nurse said. I gave her a hug and said thank you for everything. I love Dr. Dalley. Not as a doctor and all that. I just love her. She is such a genuine person, and so sweet. She cares about all of her patients, and wants the best for them. She cried with me when Ellie came, and kept telling me she was sorry. She was angry for us, that she didn't know what happened, and she was adamant about finding out what did happen. But I still don't know. And now, after all of this, and all of the talking about having another one, I can't even decide that, because I don't want to make an irresponsible decision and get pregnant when I have a problem and might need preventative medications. I may have no problem, and I can try when I want, but I feel like I'm making an uninformed decision, and I can't do that.

I left the office not knowing any more than I did when I went in. I worked myself up for this, and came out with nothing. Seems to be the trend now days. I feel so depressed and frustrated........I feel beat up. I'm trying so hard to stay strong and keep my head up and keep pushing forward, but today, it feels like it's getting harder and harder. I don't want to feel all of this anymore. I don't want to go through this anymore. But I don't get a choice. I never did. Hopefully, something will change soon, and something good will happen. I need it very much right now.