1 Month Down......An Eternity to Go

Well, as of February 23, it has been 1 month since we lost our daughter, Eleanor Beverly Rogers. So much has happened over the course of this month. The months leading up to the birth of my angel, I can't say that I was over joyed. Most people know I am not a good pregnant person. I actually do NOT like being pregnant. There is nothing I like about it, except the end result. However, over this month, I have learned what a blessing it is that I can have children. It is a blessing that I can conceive these precious blessings, and give birth to them, and grow our eternal family, whether it be on earth or in Heaven. So many people don't have the ability to carry children, perhaps they have another plan for their eternal family in store for them.

I have been blessed to have many many friendships develop out of this tragedy. I wouldn't have been able to get through this time without those relationships, even if it's just the comments on the blog postings. These people lift me up every day, because every day is a struggle for me, still. I am grateful for the phone calls, emails, comments and text messages. When I get in a funk, and start getting depressed, I always seem to get some encouragement sent my way just when I need it. A lot of times I get depressed because I feel forgotten, so it's a boost when I feel like someone has remembered that I'm still here, trudging through.

On the 1 month milestone, I was really depressed........in an angry sort of way. I was just not dealing with anything well. I was trying to remember her, and I was hoping that anyone else remembered her.........but no phone calls came. No visitors. No emails. No texts. Nothing. My husband didn't even say anything to me. I didn't want to bring it up, because if Allan was happy, I didn't want to bring it up and depress him. I was just remembered silently. When the kids took their naps and rests, I sat on the couch, and went through the basket of items that were hers. I held her white crocheted outfit that was donated to us by the hospital, that a sweet woman made for events like this. I looked at the amazing pictures that Scott took for us. As I looked at the few pictures, I saw my favorite......well, I have a few favorites. But, my favorite is the picture of me holding her, and I'm holding her hand.

I could remember her hands, how soft they felt, how tiny they were, how her fingers were chubby at the top, near her palm, and they thinned out towards her nail. I could remember everything I felt that day. I was so afraid that I would forget, but these pictures brought back everything for me.

My other favorite picture is the one of Allan and I holding hands, while I'm holding her.

This picture is just beautiful. But for me, it is a reminder that Allan and I are not married "til death do us part". We are married for eternity. And while she is not here on this earth anymore, she is waiting for us in Heaven. And because we are married for eternity, our children are going to be with us for eternity, and their families and so on. She is eternally, our daughter, and I will get to be with her again. It's hard to remember that I am still her mother, because I didn't get to raise her. But I know that I got do to my job, just in a different way.

While this month hasn't been perfect and gone smooth. I am having a lot of hard times. I am sad a lot. I think it would be good for me to get counseling, and I am grateful that our bishop has given me the phone number of someone to call to help me through this. I am down on myself a lot. Every woman, after having a baby, hates how their bodies look. Maternity clothes don't fit right, and regular clothes don't fit right. It's frustrating. But in that frustration, they have their babies. 1 month later, I don't have a baby, my body is still out of whack and fat, I am still leaking milk every day, and I am feeling more and more ugly. It's hard when people tell me to be patient, because I just had a baby.............but I don't have a baby. So on top of dealing with the emotions of losing my child, I'm dealing with postpartum issues. Naturally, I'm even more depressed now. HA!

I feel like, some days, I'm floating my way through the day and other days, I feel good. Some days I would give anything to lay in bed, and make the kids go away all day....or all week. But other days, I remember what I believe in. I remember how comforting Heavenly Father is, and that through tragedy, he puts into place "coping helpers", as I call them. Whether it be the scriptures, prayer, photographs, husbands, children, even Cheetoe's and Dr. Pepper (the last 2 are helping more than anything. HA!).

I try, really really hard, to find a positive. And through this, I love my husband so much more. When I look at him, I think of our wedding day, and kneeling at the St. George temple, in the same building as his grandparents, and his parents, and being sealed together for eternity. I remember that I felt really alone in that room, without my family there, and his taking up the entire room......... until he walked in, and then the room was filled with his love for me, and mine for him. That day, started all of this. And even through the trials, I wouldn't change a thing. We have grown so much stronger TOGETHER through them.

Through this, even though, I feel sometimes that my testimony has taken a huge hit, I also can feel it being strengthened. I just don't know how yet. But I can feel it and I am so excited to learn how it has been strengthened. I know Heavenly Father is holding me up, and helping me through this.

The best experience I have had, are the days when I am praying, and am begging for sanity, for comfort, for answers, I can feel my daughter, Ellie, standing next to me, whispering to me, "Mommy, I'm here. I love you." In those moments, I know, without a doubt, that she is there, and she is happy, and doing what the Lord is asking her to do. I know she is proud of me, and loves me and my husband for what we have given to her. In that moment, I can see her. I can picture, in my mind, what she looks like. I love her so much, as I love all of my other children. I miss her so much. But, I know I will get the chance to hold her and hug her soon enough. But if I don't do my part, and live worthily, then I will not receive the blessings that our family is working so hard for. Those moments boost me and remind me what I'm here on this earth to do.

I don't know what the next months will hold for me and my family, whether we are feeling better, and the counseling is helping, or if we decide to have another child. We don't know. But, I'm excited for what is coming. This is a very difficult time in my life, and that's a large understatement, but I feel that if you aren't learning anything, by finding what little positivity there is in every moment, then there is no point, and there is no learning. And we are all put on this earth to learn, and to become like our Father in Heaven. If we don't learn, we aren't doing our jobs and it's all for nothing. I can't have nothing........I want my family to be together for eternity.