The Church Service

The church service was exactly what I wanted it to be. We had 2 goals. Educate non-members about what we believe about Ellie's death and where she is, and also make it a celebration of her. I'm not sure there was much celebrating, but it was centered on her. Earlier that day, Cassie and I talked about getting pink balloons for the tables, to make it more of a birthday party, but I thought, later, that might not be appropriate, and we'll save the balloons for her birthday.

We arrived at the church a little bit late, but Allan kept telling me that they couldn't start without us.......technically true. Bishop Hunt greeted us as we walked in and immediately, everything began. He got the program, and sat down in his seat. Allan and I walked up the few stairs and sat down next to him. We cracked a few jokes, but I think he found them less amusing than we did. He stood up and greeted the crowd...........as he did, that was the first time I looked up and saw the size of the crowd. Almost all of our family, a lot from out of town, and a lot of our friends were there, watching us, and grieving with us. They were looking forward to this baby making a healthy, happy arrival also. At that moment, I realized how many people loved us.........but also in that moment, I felt like, not only did I let my children and husband down, I let all of these people down too. I glanced over to the side row and noticed our good friend, Charlie, sitting there. She had recently just had a baby, but before that baby, she too had lost a baby. I think she lost her baby towards the end of the second trimester, but I am not sure on the exact timing. I remember as I saw her sweet face, with tears running down her face, even before anything had started yet, I knew she cried tears that understood what we were feeling. I felt more comforted by that, and I appreciate that she was there with me.

Finally, the agony of the week was coming to a close. It was my turn to speak. I hate public speaking. It scares me to death. I can't even bare my testimony very often, because it makes me so nervous (so I made sure I included it in my talk, to cover myself, HA!). I always have to write out my talks, and read them like a 10 year old does giving their little talks. It's embarrassing, but it's what I have to do to get the point across.

As soon as Bishop Hunt sat down, Allan nudged me up and said, "It's your turn. Go." I stood up, unfolded my talk and then froze. The first 3 words in my talk were, "Eleanor Beverly Rogers". I started to cry. Finally, I started my talk, teary, but trying to choke it down, so people could hear about how wonderful the baby I got to carry was.

I said: 

"On January 23, 2011, Eleanor Beverly Rogers, was born. It’s hard for me to say that she also died that day, because for me, she didn’t. She still lives inside of me, with me. I carried that sweet girl with me for 9 months, for 37 weeks, to the day.

On January 22, I had made plans to take my sister-in-law to register for her baby, only due a month after me.  After the fun of helping with the registry, I took my daughter, Sarah to dance class.  I then went my mothers house, for what I thought was a pampered chef party, but turned out to be a surprise baby shower. The morning of this busy day, I had noticed that the baby hadn’t been moving much, and the day before, I had noticed the same thing. I didn’t worry too much, because only 2 days prior, Thursday, I had seen my doctor.  She usually doesn’t perform a ultrasound on my weekly appointent, but she did do an ultrasound and everything looked perfect. So, I chalked it up to me being an anxious mommy, and tired from being pregnant, and went about my day. The day was amazing, it couldn’t have been any better.

But later that night, I was quietly, frantically trying to get my baby to move. I ate sugary things, drank lots of apple juice and water, did everything I could think of, including just shaking my belly to get her to wake up, but nothing came. Allan came in late that night, and I told him what was going on. He insisted I go to the hospital to check on her, just to make sure everything was ok. It wasn’t. I felt my eyes get bigger and bigger as they searched and searched for my daughters heart beat, but the nurses and technicians were unable to find it. They asked if there was someone I could call, and of course, I called my husband. 11 hours and 15 minutes later, at 1:15p, my little Ellie was born at 6lbs, 15 ounces and 20 ½ inches long.

When she was born, I waited for her to cry, hoping to prove everyone wrong, wishing that she was ok. There was no crying by her, nor by me. I loved her instantly, and instantly felt so proud to be her mother. She had black wavy hair. It looked like she had big eyes, like the her brothers and sister. She had dainty little hands, a tiny little nose, tiny ears and chubby cheeks. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She was a beautiful little girl. I watched as everyone held her, and only I smiled. It could’ve been the drugs making me feel that way, or it could’ve been the shock of what had just happened. No matter what, looking back, the only thing I knew for sure was, I was so proud to be her mother and  I wanted to hold her forever.

When it was time to go, I cried handing my sweet baby over to the nurse, but after so much love and compassion by this sweet woman, I found myself trusting her that she would take care of my daughter. I cried all of the way home. I felt empty and awkward. “There should be a car seat in the back, with an infant in it. I shouldn’t even be going home right now.” But there I was, at home, and empty. No baby, no nursery, no bottles, nothing. It was like she was never there and I dreamt it all. I thought of the plans we made for her. The curiosities we had concerning her. We couldn’t wait to see Sarah be a big sister to Ellie, as Sarah was so excited. We couldn’t wait to see Luke blossom as a big brother to his little sister. Luke insisted that he had a baby in his tummy too, so he went through my pregnancy with me, acting out everything I had been feeling. We couldn’t wait to see how Taylor would react to another little one taking mommy’s attention away. We couldn’t wait to see how this new little person would fit into our family and type of personality she would have.

Of course the blame came into mind, and I thought of every negative thing I said about being pregnant, and I thought of all of the times I didn’t eat healthy, and finally, I thought about not paying enough attention to her, to notice she hadn’t moved for at least a day and a half. I thought that if I would’ve just noticed, if I would’ve listened to the inklings I was having that something wasn’t right, I could’ve saved her. I was doubting myself as a mother.

Finally, the next day, we had 2 visitors come by my house.  These women had both lost babies, and they brought so much comfort to me. They allowed me to talk to them about their personal experiences and cry to them about all of my feelings. They didn’t try to make me feel better, they just validated me. They kept telling me, that’s normal. I didn’t feel normal, I felt like I was going crazy. Finally, one of the sweet ladies read me a a quote by Joseph Smith, Jr., which is posted in the programs. It says, “The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again .” I didn’t think much about it at the time, but the next morning, that’s all I could think about. I thought, “How amazing it is, that I was trusted with such a sweet, innocent spirit. It was my job to give her a body, give her a vessel to reside in, to keep her safe, warm and fed; to love her and comfort her, and finally, give her a name.” As much as I had doubted myself as a mother, I finally felt comfort, if even for a minute, that I was her mother. I had done my job. I gave her all of the things that I had given my other 3 children. I felt comfort, for that minute, that I could see her again. I could raise her, and teach her and watch her grow and blossom into a beautiful woman.

A few evenings ago, Allan and I were reading the book that these ladies had brought to us, about losing a child. We were reading, to try and help us cope and gain understanding. One of the things that the author wrote, to try to help deal with a trial like this, was to visualize handing your baby over to Jesus Christ. In essence, that’s what you have done anyways.  That night, all I could think about was that very picture. I could remember handing my baby over to the nurse at the hospital. I trusted her to know how to take care of Eleanor. I closed my eyes, and kept thinking about it. I pictured myself, walking up to Jesus Christ, holding my beautiful daughter, and handing her over to him. I saw him reach out his arms, and lovingly take her from me, comforting her and loving her as I would. I trusted him to take care of her until I could be with her again, and continue my job of being her mother to her siblings.

During the 2 weeks that have passed, Allan and I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love by our amazing families and wonderful friends. We have been so lifted up by them, that we feel like we have not had the chance to come down from it. I am so grateful to everyone for all of the love and prayers that have been given. The amount of service given to our family has been tremendous, from pictures of our sweet girl, to babysitting our other children, meals, to cleaning the house and helping with laundry, even making phone calls to us just to make sure we’re ok and to chat.. All of these acts of service and compassion have been so appreciated by my husband and I. Words cannot express what we feel for all of the people that have done so many wonderful things for us.

While we’ve had time to reflect on what has happened, we have come across a lot of support groups, online, for situations such as this. We have read blogs and other material that people have posted, and Allan and I cannot believe what others have to go through. I cannot imagine couples going through this and having families turn away from them, be insensitive to them or even blame them, however, that is exactly what some couples in this same or similar situation, are going through. I am so grateful to the church and to our families and friends who have supported and loved us through this difficult time.

Finally, I would like to say, I know this church is the true church of Jesus Christ. I know He has comforted me, possibly more than I’ve deserved. Even when my testimony has wavered, He has still been there to whisper that He loves me, and to comfort me that my daughter is safe, and loves me and is just waiting for me to join her, at which point I will get to love on her again and raise her into a beautiful woman. He has wrapped his arms around me and let me cry. I am grateful for the words of the prophets, past and present, as they have brought me comfort. I am grateful to my wonderful children for being so understanding of “mommy not being okay” and to my amazing husband for his support and love through this. It’s amazing how through such tragedy, something so wonderful can come out of it. We thought we were strong before, but I think we’re even stronger now.

I would like to close with a story, from Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard, who wrote a beautiful article about the experience she had giving birth to her stillborn children, in the July, 1989 Ensign.  She said, “The other night my four-year-old son cried out to me from his room. I quickly crawled out of my bed and went to his side. “What’s the matter, Joseph?” I asked as I entered his dark room. “I’m so scared,” he replied. I held him in my arms to reassure him, and we talked. Soon he settled back in his bed with his arms around his teddy bear. “If you need me again, just call me and I’ll come,” I said as I kissed him on the cheek and stroked his shoulder. He was content.”

She continued: “I, too, have cried out in my dark nights, and He has been there. I don’t have all the answers, but I have peace, the peace that someday I will know and understand, the peace that only the Savior can give. And so I am content.”

I know that right now, I am not content, but I know that, with the Saviors love wrapped around me, I will be. I know that whenever I ask, He will be there for me, to comfort me and guide me, as long as I am willing to ask and listen, and be faithful."

Towards the end of my talk, I stuttered a lot, trying to keep myself composed just long enough to finish it up. I finally did finish it, and sat back down. I wanted to just get off the stage and run out, jump in the car, and never come back, but that would be weird..........so I just sat back down. I was as antsy as I've ever felt, but I sat there, trying to hold still and trying to stay calm and look like I wasn't dying inside and going crazy.

Rebecca Rogers came up and sang "What Love Is", a song out of the Children's Hymn Book. It was so sweet. One of my young women girls played the piano for her, which just saved my sanity. I was so grateful to them both for doing this for us. I know Rebecca felt bad because she cried through some of the song, but I still thought it was beautiful. She brought the spirit, even when she wasn't singing.

After the song, Allan got up and spoke. He doesn't write his talks out, but he does write an outline, so I will just share that.

1. This is usually where we do a eulogy, but we didn’t get to re-acquant ourselves with Ellie
2. I will talk about what we know about where Ellie came from, what her purpose was here, and what she is doing now
3. Pre-existence
1. We believe that we all existed before we came to Earth. We lived with God and each other, and Ellie knew us there.
2. Ellie wanted to be like Heavenly Father
3. She decided to come to Earth
4. Usually people come to earth for 2 things, to gain wisdom, and to get a physical body
4. Eleanor’s earthly life
1. Eleanor came to earth months ago
2. Her body was inhabited by her spirit early on in the pregnancy
3. Bodies are cool
4. Her world was comforting and warm
5. She heard the voices of her family, especially the voice of her mother and her sister
6. She stretched and moved, she rolled and flexed.

• By nine weeks, a developing fetus can hiccup and react to loud noises. By the end of the second trimester it can hear.
• Just as adults do, the fetus experiences the rapid eye movement (REM) sleep of dreams.
• The fetus savors its mother's meals, first picking up the food tastes of a culture in the womb.
• Among other mental feats, the fetus can distinguish between the voice of Mom and that of a stranger, and respond to a familiar story read to it.

7. Eleanor was definitely a person
8. Ellie never made it out of the womb to see the world.
7. Eleanor’s death
1. Ellie died, which simply means that her spirit and body seperated again
2. We buried her body this morning.  
3. When the body and spirit seperate, the spirit:11Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.
   12And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.
4. So Ellie didn’t leave for very long, she came down to earth to receive a body, and then left straightaway.
5. Joseph Smith explained it as:The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.
6. Ellie achieved what she needed, which was a physical body
7. The rest of us are here to gain wisdom and to grow, but her spirit was great enough that she did not have to partake in this test
8. What Ellie is doing now, and what will happen to her in the future
1. Currently Eleanor is with God and my brother.
2. She is busy with the work of teaching other souls
3. She isn’t in the form of a child
4. One day we will all be resurrected, our spirits will re-unite with a glorified, perfected body
5. Then, we will be able to raise our Ellie until she has reached maturityPresident Joseph F. Smith, the sixth President of the Church, reported: “Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.’ …
   “In 1854, I met with my aunt [Agnes Smith], the wife of my uncle, Don Carlos Smith, who was the mother of that little girl [Sophronia] that Joseph Smith, the Prophet, was speaking about, when he told the mother that she should have the joy, the pleasure, and the satisfaction of rearing that child, after the resurrection, until it reached the full stature of its spirit; and that it would be a far greater joy than she could possibly have in mortality, because she would be free from the sorrow and fear and disabilities of mortal life, and she would know more than she could know in this life. I met that widow, the mother of that child, and she told me this circumstance and bore testimony to me that this was what the Prophet Joseph Smith said when he was speaking at the funeral of her little daughter.”8Mary Isabella Horne and Leonora Cannon Taylor each lost a young child in death. Sister Horne recalled that the Prophet Joseph Smith gave the two sisters these words of comfort: “He told us that we should receive those children in the morning of the resurrection just as we laid them down, in purity and innocence, and we should nourish and care for them as their mothers. He said that children would be raised in the resurrection just as they were laid down, and that they would obtain all the intelligence necessary to occupy thrones, principalities and powers.”9
9. Knowing these things
1. Knowing where Ellie is has been a great source of comfort to us.
2. It still stinks
3. Laurie and I are very impatient
4. We wanted all the experiences of a newborn
5. Top 5 parenting moments according to Allan
1. Love - Hate relationship of staying up with a baby late at night
2. First taste of chocolate or ice cream
3. First time on a swing
4. Disneyland
5. Baby blessing
6. We will miss not being able to have these experiences now, but will have them in the future
7. We live in a wonderful world, full of amazing people.
10. These things are true, and through Jesus Christ’s atonement, we will all have the chance to be resurrected, and we will all get to know Ellie then. Please excuse us when we cry at times that seem inappropriate.  

I was so proud of my husband for speaking so well and allowing himself all of the time he wanted to have to convey the things he wanted to. I think he did amazing, and really showed everyone there how we are dealing with this...........with tears, humor and Heavenly Father.

The closing song was, "Families Can Be Together Forever". I barely got through that song, but it meant so much to me, and brought me so much comfort knowing that I can be with her soon, and BE her mother on that special day of resurrection.

I am so glad that I got to speak that day, and I am so glad that I fussed so much over that day, and stressed about it. It was the only thing I could do for her, since the opportunities of baby blessing, birthday parties, baptism, wedding and grandchildren were taken away, when her life was taken away. I sure miss her and wish that I could have those opportunities returned to me, but they can't. At some point, I will be fully happy in life, but for now, I'm just happy with how the services went and happy with our family. For now, I will have to borrow my friends and family's happiness until I can find my own again.

All in all, that day went so smoothly and beautifully. Everyone, showing their love for us at the graveside service, and at the church service, and finally all of the sweet, wonderful ladies helping with the luncheon. All of their service, prayers, well wishing and love has really lifted my little family up, in this time of tragedy. I don't know where we would be without all of these people holding us up, and loving us through this. We still have a long road ahead of us, and lots of tough decisions to come, but we are off to a great, and positive start because of our amazing friends and family.