First Baby Blanket

Last Saturday was Cecilia's baby shower. I decided I shouldn't be there, much to everyone else deciding I shouldn't be there either, HA! I did, however, want to make her a baby blanket, like I make for everyone else.

I went to Joann's on Thursday, with a friend of mine, to pick out material for it. I didn't think it would be too difficult to do it, but I found some material that just made my stomach turn. It was a pink and brown fabric. It had a brown background with some pink flower outlines on it. It was the exact pattern of the blanket that I buried Ellie with. I couldn't help it, I had to have it. I decided that, since we were all so excited to have the girls, Ellie and Lilia, raised together and be the same age, that she should be apart of it.

That night, my friend Amanda came over and helped me figure out a design of the quilt and get it cut. I sewed for the next 2 days getting it ready. I wanted to give it to her on Sunday, the day after her baby shower. I wanted it to be more personal, just the 2 of us, so I could show her the strips of Ellie's material and really have that moment with her. Unfortunately, the more I sewed, the more I didn't like it. I was getting more and more frustrated with the blanket. It wasn't turning out how I wanted it to.

Finally, I finished the center portion of the quilt, and realized, I hated it. Allan suggested that I put it down and get back to it in the next day (Sunday). At church, I realized that it wasn't the blanket I hated. I hated that it wasn't for my baby. I spent all of that time, sewing a blanket that I would give to another woman. I wanted so badly, to make a blanket for my baby, like I had for all of my other children, but I never got the chance. I never had the time. I was so critical of this blanket, wanting it to be perfect, because I was thinking it was for my child that passed away, and she was perfect, so the blanket had to be perfect. However, it wasn't for my child, and it wasn't going to be perfect, no matter how hard I tried. I knew that Cecilia would love it and appreciate it so deeply, that it wouldn't matter what it looked like.

After church, we fed the kids and layed them down for naps. I took a deep breath, picked up the blanket, and started sewing again. Finally, I was happy with it. I was making progress on it, and I liked what it was doing. It wasn't perfect, but I was ok with it. And finally, I finished it, with 3 minutes to spare, before going to Allan's parents house to give it to her. I took pictures of it, and carefully folded it up, placing it in the pink box that I found at Joann's, that had sweet cartoon birds on it. I was excited about the box, because she loves these types of birds, and wanted them for the baby's room.

When we arrived at Cliff and Becky's house for Sunday dinner, I was nervous. I really wanted her to like it. I wanted her to know how special this particular quilt was to me, and how much it meant to me to be able to make it for her and give it to her. As we went up the walk, I was thinking of what I would want to say to her. I walked into the house, and saw her. I handed her the box and she freaked out (with happiness). HA! She was so happy about the box, she never even opened the box to see the blanket. So, she raved about the box to everyone, and then it was time to eat, so we all sat down and ate. She still hadn't opened the gift! It driving me crazy and I was getting more and more nervous.

Finally, we were done eating, and starting to clear the table, when I pulled her aside and said you have to open the gift. She opened it and loved it. I told her that I found some material that matched Ellie's blanket and I put it in the part of the blanket with the stripes. I pointed out the material, and she started crying, and I started crying. It meant so much to me to be able to make it through making this blanket for her.

I know that this seems silly to be so emotional about a blanket I made for someone else, but it was the first one I made for another baby since losing Ellie. It was for a baby that Ellie was supposed to be raised with. They were supposed to be the best of friends. But I won't get that opportunity to see that and now, every time I see Lilia, I will love her, but I will forever be reminded of Ellie and what she is SUPPOSED to be doing right now, if she were here. So, making this blanket was a big step for me. I'm not sure in which direction the step was in, but either way, I moved. That's good.

I love Cecilia very much, and I'm so glad she is apart of this crazy family. It's a fun family to be in. I am so happy that we got to go through our pregnancies together, and I know, when she has her baby, those will be big milestones for me also. New feelings will come up quickly at more weird situations. But I hope, I will be able to deal with it.