Today is February 16, 2011. Today is my due date. I was supposed to have my baby by this date........technically I did, but I should be able to look at this date and laugh that we had her earlier, or be depressed that I haven't had her yet and I'm still huge and uncomfortable. I have neither one of those emotions.
As depressed as I am, life is still moving on, and I hate that. Today, I have to keep Sarah home from school because she's sick with a cold, as is the rest of the clan. We have a doctors appointment later on today, for them to hopefully get this sickness finally gone. Allan went to work, as usual. Everything keeps moving.
I feel like things are getting harder and harder, instead of easier. Last Sunday, I talked to my Young Women's girls about Eleanor and showed them the pictures that Scott took for us, so they could see her. I got to tell them a little of what I was feeling, and bare my testimony to them, what little of it I have right now, and they got to ask me questions about her and the process. I felt good about everything, but I wish I could've said more. It seemed like it was just enough though.
After I talked to the Young Women, it seemed like that was the last thing that I had to do on my checklist, and today is the last milestone day I had on my checklist. Now, I get text messages from girls wanting my help with personal issues, and family members wanting me to go out with them and help plan events in their lives. All I want to do is scream, "It's not over for me yet!! Why can't you see that?!" I just want everything to slow down, if not stop. I want to catch up to everyone. I feel like everyone is running and running as fast as they can, and I'm running at a turtle's pace, trying to catch up, but I just can't.
Today, I keep thinking of Eleanor. Allan keeps reminding me that he thinks she knew what she was getting into, and she was happy to do it, and wouldn't want me to be sad and depressed about it. This almost makes it worse for me. I get so mad inside when he says that, because I feel like he's telling me I have no right to be sad or depressed anymore. That I shouldn't feel the way I'm feeling. I miss my child. I want her here. I want to experience her. But she was taken before I could.
Lately, instead of being just sad, I feel angry, depressed and jealous. I am sad that I don't get to have her anymore. Angry at everyone, because I feel like no one is listening anymore or cares if something hurts me anymore. And now I'm jealous of everyone who is pregnant or have a baby. I keep thinking, "Why do they get to have happy, healthy babies, and mine was taken from me?"
Today, I want to stay home, do nothing, have no children here, and just be with myself. I want to look at the very few things I have to remember her. I'd like to go out and get a nice box or chest for the few items I have of hers. But there is no time for any of that. No time to feel depressed about anything. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know. I know what is good for me, which is to keep moving and try to not dwell on it, but I know that I have very little control over things like that anymore. Like I said, life keeps moving on, with or without me. I just have to choose if I'm going to move along with it, or keep being left behind. For today, my due date, it almost feels like another birthday for her, and I don't feel like being a part of anything. Maybe tomorrow.
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I read a blog post the other day that I really liked. It was from a young women. She wrote about mourning and being lds. She titled it "The Cessation of Suffering". I really liked what she had to say although I am sure some may be offended. She was talking she was talking in reference to someone who had lost a child.
"In many ways, the community, particularly the LDS community, (as the child was Mormon,) rallied around the family. They held memorials, and people tied ribbons around their trees, lampposts, and street signs. A constant reminder of the unanticipated loss.
Last week, in a unit on World Religions, my students and I learned about Buddhism. We studied The Four Noble truths, the first of which acknowledges "The existence of suffering."
Now, every time I drive past a frayed and discolored ribbon, I remember the existence of suffering. Somewhere, someone lost their world.
Over time, however, it was interesting to see some people react to the mother's seemingly prolonged, and still very raw suffering.
"She just needs to move on,"
"She needs to remember that she will see her again"
She just seems to have lost her faith. It is so sad when people let these experiences shake their faith."
After a certain point, for many people, it becomes inconvenient to recognize the existence of suffering. It cuts into having fun, watching The Bachelor, and, dare I say it? Baking cupcakes.
For some Mormons, we struggle to reconcile the need to recognize suffering with our beliefs. How many Jack Weyland novels held a funeral where the only LDS person in attendance wore a "lovely shade of blue" instead of black? Symbolizing that Mormons are special because we don't need to mourn. Why mourn if we really have enough faith? We tell potential converts that our funerals aren't sad, but rather a "Celebration.""
I really like what she had to say. And I have to admit that as an lds member I have always had a deep rooted sense of guilt of being afraid of the death of a loved one. I remember putting on one of those dumb email quizzes that asked what my biggest fear was that even though it should be that it was the the death of someone I close to me. I have been blessed not have been put through such a trial as you have. I have pondered on how I would react if I had. I do not think I would be able to handle it any better then you have. So continue to take your time to be angry, to mourn, and even to have your faith tested.
Love you.
Sorry...I forgot to add one of my favorite parts of her post and I wanted to include the link so I could give credit where credit is due. I don't know the person...Just found her on my blog stalking journies.
http://mormonchildbride.blogspot.com/2011/01/cessasstion-of-suffering.html
"I've always identified with the LDS Hymn "Where Can I Turn for Peace." Most notably because it recognizes the existence of suffering:
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Anger, malice, anguish. Feelings that when recognized, allow us to draw closer to God, the quiet hand that calms us, teaches us what we need to know, and heals our wounded hearts. Is it possible that in our desire to be faithful and not offended, we turn away from opportunities to converse with God? When we acknowledge suffering, do we allow ourselves to find answers?"
OK I'm done now. promise. thanks.
I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I know that I would too in the same situation. Hugs.
A big hug from me too!
I want you to know that I think about you all the time. I haven't forgotten you or your suffering. I think about you and feel so bad for you because I know that your life hasn't started being normal and probably won't quite feel "normal" ever again. You will always have some sort of reminder of your loss and no matter how well you can move forward, she'll still not be here and she'll be in your mind every day. Just know that you are loved and thought of often! Two days ago I was just thinking the exact things you wrote in your post. How everyone is moving forward and moving on and you're NOT! I don't blame you. I would be jealous and angry too! I would wonder how everyone can just be over it and forget about it so fast (not that they have necessarily). And that's why I wanted to say all of this. My heart still aches for you and sometimes i feel guilty just having a normal good day because I know that you're still suffering. Hang in there and just keep "crawling" forward at a turtle's pace if that's all you can do. Over time the hurt WILL get a little lighter, but the small progress is just hard to see in the moment. I'm sending you all of my love Laurie!
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