Happy Valentines Day??

Valentines Day came and went.......without me having much desire to do anything at all. Allan, though, pushed through and took me out anyways.

The whole day, I was depressed, but couldn't explain why. I just had that pit in my stomach, but no explanation why. As the day went on, and Allan and I talked more of what we wanted to do, it became clear why I was feeling the way I was. For obvious reasons, I was depressed about Ellie, but what isn't so obvious is when I was pregnant with her, I assumed I would have her for Valentines Day, if not on the day. For some reason, I always thought that. I was already planning what I would do with the kids for Valentines Day. I was planning their annual pictures for Daddy and picking out outfits for them to wear for the pictures. I was looking at crafts the kids could do for their dad for Valentines Day. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't able to do any of the things that I planned.

I know I could've still done all of those things with Luke, Sarah and Taylor, however, it just didn't feel right. I planned on all 4 kids. I know that seems selfish and like having an all or nothing attitude, but that's what I feel right now. So, I did nothing. My good friend Norma, however, did get my kids little Valentines gifts, when she dropped off some cookies. I felt even worse, because someone who didn't even know my kids that well, was thinking of them and what they would like.

Later, we dropped the kids off at my mom's house for a sleep over while we went out for dinner. Allan took me to Vintner Grill. I walked in and almost got more depressed. He took me to a place that was 90% seafood. I do not like seafood. I think, that night, I would've complained about everything. Nothing would've been good enough, because my attitude was not very good. After a pretty good dinner, I told Allan I wanted to go home and have Strawberries and chocolate fondue. So we went to Fresh & Easy and got the makings for that. However, when we got to Allan's parents house to pick up the dog (Yes, Allan got his sister to babysit the dang dog......ugh.), we just had the fondue at their house, with his parents. Afterwards, we went home, talked a little bit about what was going on with me, and then went to bed.

It definitely wasn't the most romantic Valentines Day I've ever had. No flowers, or elaborate gifts, or chocolates (which is good, considering I don't like chocolates). No fuss or planning. But, he did leave me a very sweet note in my car, expressing his love for me, and I made him rice krispy treats and got him a chocolate rose. I was happy that he tried so hard to make me happy, but felt bad that I couldn't give that happiness to him.

I love my husband very much. It kills me to watch him, frantically, try to think of things he can do for me, or say to me, to make me feel better. But there's nothing he can do or say to make it better. I wish there was, because I would give anything for that. I wish that things were different, and we didn't have to go through this, because, for lack of a better way to put it...........this stinks. I hate it. But I have to keep some sort of positivity and know that things will get better.