First Sunday Back

I decided that it was time to attend church again, since I hadn't been since I lost Ellie. It didn't go as I hoped it would.

We were running late for church that day, which I can't say I was trying to get there on time or anything. I wasn't really in a rush, and I wasn't really pushing anyone out the door. I think I was the one moving slower that day. I really didn't want to go. I was really really nervous.

At around 9:30a, we arrived at church and found that fast and testimony meeting had already began. To my relief, Allan suggested we just sit out in the foyer. If he didn't suggest it, I was going to. I didn't want to show up, walk in and have everyone turn around and know who we were. I wanted to just be invisible and never let anyone know that we were there. As we sat there, with the kids playing on the ground with their cars and trains, I heard one of my visiting teachers get up and bare her testimony. She talked about our experience, and our services the previous day. I assumed that we were the hot topic of that testimony meeting, which added to the anxiety of going to church.

Patty said some really sweet things about us as she was sharing her testimony. As nervous as I felt, I couldn't help but feel grateful that the 2 women, Patty and Trisha, were my visiting teachers during this time in my life. I really don't think they understand how much they've helped me through this. Whether it be them just coming and visiting me and my family at my home, or forcing a very depressed me out, in my jammies, to a gossip fest at Patty's house, eating Mormon Chicken Salad (btw, TASTY!!).

After sacrament, we made our way to the kids' classes to drop them off, and then on to our own classes. We sat there for a while, and then class started. No one really said anything to us, and no one even looked at us. It was kind of awkward, but I understand that most of the awkwardness was brought on by myself. I noticed things that weren't always there, like those type of things. I think that the awkwardness was just me, not them.

Finally, it was time for Young Women's, and Allan to go to Elder's Quorum. I walked in, and tried to make myself feel normal, and just get into the swing of things again, feeling comfortable...........but I wasn't. I was anything but comfortable. I walked out for a second, to catch my breath, and around the corner came Hailey ( a Mia Maid, that Norma calls her long lost daughter, HA!). She just walked up to me and said hi and then just gave me a long hug. I tried so hard not to cry. I wanted to so badly. I needed a nice quiet hug and her timing couldn't have been better. But I felt that if I cried, then people would notice and even more attention that I was there would be even more noticeable. I gave a hard swallow, made a silly joke and we walked into the room.

While Sister Bryan gave the lesson, I couldn't focus. I felt my face and eyes glaze over and just zone out. I do know she was talking about things that the girls had learned from their mothers, and that's when I tuned out. I couldn't help but think about all of the things that I was teaching my daughter and boys, and all of those things that I wasn't getting to teach Ellie. I started to get depressed and feel robbed. I felt so terrible because while I was sitting at church, for the first time, I was getting angry with God. I felt so guilty for thinking like that. I never wanted to get there, but I did. I swallowed the feelings and got back into the lesson. I put on the happy face and got in a group with my girls and we read some scriptures that were required for the lesson.

During the time that we were in our groups, I heard a newborn (1 of about 18 million that happened to be at church that day) crying. Something happened in my head. I caught myself starting to get up, thinking that it must be Allan out in the hallway with the baby, and she was upset. I wanted to crawl into a corner, and cover my ears. Previously, I had seen or heard about 7 or 8 babies before that class, and every time I would hear or see the babies, I felt myself getting more and more depressed. I think I had heard enough babies. FINALLY, the baby either stopped crying, or they took it somewhere else, because I didn't hear it anymore, and then I felt, somewhat, ok again. I got through church and went home and just wanted to crawl into bed never get out again.

The depression hasn't gone away, in fact it's probably come back strong, but I'm hoping that at least by recognizing it, I can not succumb to it, and be made whole again soon. Do I think I we made a mistake by going back to church after only 2 weeks? No. It's going to be hard whether we wait a week or a month or a year. If for nothing else, for the simple fact that there will be babies there, people will notice us, and I will always feel empty not having my fourth child there with us. I will always think of her during baby blessings, primary programs and baptisms. But it's ok, because, eventually, those thoughts won't depress me, they will be just thoughts of curiosities and missing, along with, loving her. I am pretty sure that that will never go away, it'll just get easier.  So for now, I will have to force myself to go, and get back into life.........because that's the only way that I know of to not let myself give in to the depression.