Saturday is Here!

Well, today I had plans of going to Cecilia's baby shower............it didn't happen. I was sewing her baby blanket last night and was having a really hard time. I wasn't happy with how it was turning out, and a piece of the material I picked is identical to the blanket I chose to put with Ellie, in her casket. I guess I'm just being a perfectionist about Lilia's blanket (Cecilia's baby's name), because I didn't have time to make one for my own baby. I was in a bad mood about it, I had to rip some of it apart and resew some stuff, and I just didn't like how it was turning out.

I decided, at midnight last night, that maybe it's not a good idea for me to go. If I'm afraid that, if I'm having this hard of a time sewing a baby blanket, for a baby that's not mine (which I'm completely jealous of), then how am I going to react when she opens her gifts and her friends and family are very excited for the new baby to wear this and that, and talking of what the baby will wear when she comes home........and all of those exciting, fun things. I'm very afraid that she will get gifts, that were the same things I received for Ellie, and it will hurt. In the beginning, I was afraid that some of my things, that were given to me for Ellie, would be passed to her, since I can't use them now. I hoped that would never happen, I can't imagine it ever would. But now, I have gained SOME sanity back, and know that it would never, but I know she will receive the same things I got for Ellie.

I should've called her and apologized to her for not coming.........I just tried to stay focused on other things, and keep my mind going on something else. Allan and I talked about going on a vacation, and tried to plan that a little bit. We also talked about Luke's upcoming 4th birthday party, and tried to come up with ideas for that. I took Sarah to her dance class. Finally, Allan and I focused on the dog, and figuring out how to get it potty trained, and possibly hiring a trainer. We have no idea what we're doing with this dog, so we're hoping for some help soon.

I hope that she will understand. It's the last thing I want to do, is offend her or hurt her feelings, plus, I don't want to take attention away from her very special day. It's her first baby, and it is SO exciting! I want her to feel that way. I don't want her to worry about me, or if I'm ok, or if I have to leave, I don't want to take the attention from her, because people are speculating about what's going on with me. So, hopefully tonight, I can sew more of her blanket and finish it before Sunday dinner tomorrow, and I can give it to her privately.

I love her so much, and I am very happy for her and Lincoln. I am trying to not let my jealousy of their baby, effect me......but it will and does. But I'm trying to choose to be positive about it in the moment, and cry about it later. Eventually, the tears will fade, and so will the awkwardness........I hope. I just want them to be happy, and I want everyone to focus on their, soon to be, extending family. We are so proud of them, and we can't wait to hear about all of the funny, crazy, silly things this new little life brings to their home and to their lives. It'll be a fun ride for them.

For me, I miss my baby. I wish I was making a blanket for her to take with her throughout her life, like her brothers and sister, but I can't. Now, instead of talking about how tired we are, and happy that we are ending our "fertility" (HA!) with such a sweet and perfect little girl, I am thinking about if I should have another one or not, and not looking forward to March 9, which is my follow up doctors appointment with my OB. I'm not looking forward to the conversations that will go on that day, and I'm sure, the tears that will come out of that.

I have so much guilt about thinking about having another one, I don't want to replace her or make her feel that way. She is irreplaceable. Allan and I said we would wait until we talked to the doctor about my blood work results, however, I have a feeling they will bring up nothing. So I am thinking about it now, but I can't help the guilt I feel, when even considering it. I don't know what the right answer is. Not right now anyways. I'm sure I will know soon enough. For now, I'm so grateful for the 4 children I have (possibly 5 children, if the miscarriage I had when we were first married is also included........ugh! I don't know any of this stuff!!).