When is Help Coming??

The other day, I had one of many emotional and mental breakdowns. I have been desperately hanging on to a thin thin thread of happiness and positivity lately. I felt like I needed something to boost me and give me some sort of confidence in myself. I decided I needed new clothes. The ones I have make me look like I am going to the gym, when in reality......that's laughable. I'm not now, nor have I been to the gym in at least 5 years. I feel frumpy, and tired, and plain. I feel like a mom that doesn't care anymore about how she looks.......and I don't care. I need to change that.

So, Allan decided that we would go shopping. I kept telling him I get frustrated because I have to shop online at certain stores that sell tall shirts, because I'm 6'0" tall. They don't make shirts for girls my size in the stores. It's really frustrating. But I told him I want to look cute, and have some stuff that is somewhat trendy. So he decided he'd give me $500 to go to H&M and buy some stuff. I knew it wouldn't work because I'm a big girl, tall and wide. I'm not fat, I am the same size now that I was before I got pregnant, I'm just a mom. I have hips and curves, and H&M girls don't have anything. We went anyways.

Allan went through the store and picked out hundreds of things for me to try on, while I skimmed everything in the store, and already knew nothing was going to fit me right. But I tried on Allan's stuff anyways, because, honestly, I was tired of arguing with him. I have been feeling, lately, that I have to plead my case to almost everyone about everything. I feel worn out by it, so I just don't have the energy anymore to fight and argue.

I went in the dressing room and item after item, Allan would come in and laugh at how it looked on me or apologize. It was horrible. Normally, I would say, I told you so and be mad, but this time, I was trying so hard not to cry in the dressing room, in front of my children and husband. This only made me feel fatter, and uglier, and more like a failure. People keep saying, "Laurie, give it a month. You just had a baby!" Well, I don't have a baby, so stop saying it! I feel like no one is listening to me anymore.

So that night, after the kids were in bed, I told him that I felt ugly, fat and like I failed everyone, because I couldn't have this baby. I felt like I am holding on by a thin thread, to any sort of happiness. My confidence is gone, in myself. I just sobbed. Allan got on the computer and emailed our bishop, inquiring about any sort of counseling the church has. The bishop said he had to do something with paperwork and would get back to us.........it's been a week. I am so anxious to do something......to change something. I just want to feel a little bit better, but I feel like I'm nothing. I feel like I'm not worth anything.

The other day, a friend of mine and my mom's, who is a mechanic, wanted to do something for us, and so him and my mom partnered and got Allan's car fixed. That was a huge huge HUGE weight off of us. We have been so worried about this car, but now, we don't have to! But he talked to me a little bit about what has helped him. He said praying is the simplest thing, but always works, and the Lord does hear us, and does know what I'm going through and will help. I told him I felt ashamed to pray. I felt like I hadn't come to Him before, right when this happened, and now, I need Him. I felt ashamed because when I do pray to Him, I can't pray......I beg. I sob and sob and just keep saying, "Help me. Please, help me." I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I can't grasp anything, and I need Him to help me. I just beg for sanity. I can't pray for what I want, because what I want is to have my daughter back, and He can't give that to me. No one can.

I want, with all of my heart, to not be angry with God, and I'm not. But I want, even more, to not get so deep into depression, that I stop caring about going to church and being involved with people there, because it's not the answer. I just don't know what the answer is right now. So, I'm waiting anxiously, to hear back from the bishop to see if there is anything I can do, because I feel like I really need something, and I feel like this is the right step. I need it.So, we will keep waiting. I will keep trying to pray coherently, and, maybe I'll get an answer, or at least a little bit of comfort and sanity.

P.S. I did got onto Old Navy's website and order a TON of new clothes, in talls, and hopefully SOMETHING will fit. I hope. It might kill me to return everything because that doesn't fit either.