Trying to Talk to God

Lately, Allan and I have been reading this book about going through the experience we've been going through, with the loss of a child. It's been really good for us, but the other night an unexpected problem arose.

The book is insightful and helpful, and also religious, when it comes to this topic. It's been really helpful to read, if not only for letting me know that all of the crazy thoughts I'm having and things I'm doing and feeling, are normal. While I may not feel normal, at all, it feels relieving to have someone or something else validate your feelings. It's been really good for us to read it together, because it also reminds us to pray, which we've been lacking on, as a couple. I try to pray, but it always turns into me feeling like I'm desperately begging for my sanity.

This night, Allan said we should pray, so I said ok. We knelt down at the foot of the bed, and he grabbed my hand, and said, "It's your turn". I just stopped. All of the sudden, I had nothing to say. All of these new feelings came up. I thought, at first, "Why would I want to talk to him? He took my child away, without any warning or reason." I knew that I didn't really feel this way, I was just hurting. The next thought that came to my mind was almost worse. I thought, "I don't deserve to speak to God." I figured He took my child as punishment. I did something wrong and I deserved this anguish. Or, He took her away because I didn't appreciate the fact that I could get pregnant. I always said I hated being pregnant, it was a job, as a mother, that I really didn't like doing haha. I felt, and sometimes still feel like, I took for granted the ease that we have getting pregnant, and having beautiful healthy children. And so, because I didn't appreciate these amazing blessings that God has given us, he took them away.

I wish He was here so I could ask him why, so I could ease my heart, but I can't. I can pray, but I feel like my prayers are falling on deaf ears right now, because, right now, I feel like I don't deserve to have them heard.

All of these thoughts, I know, are not really how it is. But that night, and still now, I feel that way sometimes. I feel like I'm losing my testimony in this process, but I know, if I keep trying to push through, I will come through this with a stronger testimony. For now, that is the only thing I know, and that will have to be enough for a little bit. For now, I will have to push myself to do the things I know I should be doing, and eventually, it'll all come back around. Just one moment at a time.