Service Anxiety

Last night, while Allan and I were at dinner, we decided that we were finally going to call the mortuary and see if they've heard anything about the Death Certificate and Permit. We're not people that call and bug businesses. In my experience, it doesn't light a fire under anyone's butt, it just annoys them and then they seem to not want to help you as much. We decided we would call them at 3:30p today and see what the status is.

Also, while we were at dinner, we discussed whether or not I would speak at the service. Allan had decided that he would speak, but he didn't know if I would be able to speak, let alone, if I would want to. I had decided that I would speak........about something. I get a lot of responses on the blog, and a lot of emails, praising me on writing down my thoughts and feelings during this difficult time for our little family. I hear a lot of the people who have gone through this, reading my stuff, and relating to what I'm saying, but then expressing regret that they didn't do the same thing. So my feeling on speaking at the service is that it was something that was presented to me, and, yes it's a huge challenge, but it's a part of this process that I feel I should be a part of, no matter how difficult it could be for me. I don't want to look back in a year, hear about someone else going through this same experience, and hearing some things they've done, that were presented to me, and regretting not doing those things. I don't want to ever regret anything. I don't know if any of that makes sense, but that's what's in my head right now.

A lot of people have been asking if we have heard anything about the Death Certificate and if we knew when the service would be. Everyone keeps saying they would want the service to be "over with" for me. While I understand what everyone was trying to say, my feeling is, I would rather it never come. I feel like if it never comes, then I never have to bury her, and by not ever having to bury her, I feel like she's still here.....like she's just at a grandma's house or something. But, if I bury her and make that day final, then she really IS gone, and life is going to go on. I just want it to stop. I just want everything to stand still. I want to hold her one last time. I can remember holding her and thinking that any minute now, she would move and start crying and life would be ok again. But it'll never happen. Life will not be ok right now, not for a long time. So by having the service, I feel like I'm being pushed by life, to say goodbye to her, and move on. Unfortunately, I think I'm more stubborn than life. HA!

I did ask Allan to stay home one more week. I've really liked having him home, especially for the kids. I am so short with them, and so snappy, especially with Sarah. She is such a huge bundle of energy and a little chatty kathy, that I've been not handling things the best way. I know I'm a lot harsher on her than the other 2, and I think it's because she makes her presence so known, that it feels almost suffocating for me right now. So it's nice to have him home, because when I feel like I can't handle things, with the boys being sick and her being her, I can ask him to take over while I get a second to calm down. He has been my angel. He has been so amazing and sweet to me. I know he's so concerned about me, but I think it makes him feel so much better when I talk to him about what I'm feeling, even though I talk to him A LOT! Poor guy. I just love him. I wish I could express to him really how much I love him and how much I appreciate him through all of this, but I think there are no words that will suffice. I just love him.

Well, 10 more minutes and we call the mortuary. Butterflies are abound in my stomach, but no matter what the status is, it'll be for the best and we'll just make it work, as usual. It'll all be ok and it'll all work out.