I'm Not OK Today

Today is not a good day. I have a pit in my stomach, the, "I'm going to cry anytime now" feeling, however, I don't. I keep thinking about Ellie and how I should be toting her around instead of a puppy. I should be stressed about keeping her on her nap and feeding schedule........instead, I'm stressed about a puppy being put down, because every time he's put down on my floor, he pee's. The worst is, I should be waking up every two hours with a baby, or sleeping lightly, because I'm anticipating the baby waking up. Instead, I'm waking up with a puppy, to take it outside, and sleeping lightly because I think that the dog will wake up anytime now. It's frustrating.

I wish Ellie was here. I wish my life was normal still. I wish my family was complete. I just wish I was happy. I wish I could snap out of things and be ok again, but I can't, and I'm not.

I can't stop thinking about my experience at church on Sunday. I can't stop thinking about the dozens of babies I saw and heard. I wish I could look at those sweet little ones and think they are adorable and want to hold them. Instead, I look at them, and I am anxious and nervous to be that close to them. I am jealous of their parents, that they get to hold their babies forever, and they get to plan their lives, as best as they can, they get to giggle at the silly things they do, and learn about their personalities, and they get to imagine what they'll be like when they are grown. I don't get to do that with Ellie.

I know, I have 3 beautiful children, but I can't even look at them without feeling guilty, that my body failed them, I failed them. I really have nothing to complain about. I should be able to look at them and feel happier and I should be able to be in the moments with them, especially with all of the time I have with Allan home. But, unfortunately, it's taking everything I have in me to WANT to do anything. I feel like I constantly have to force myself to be in life. I guess it's ok, I just wish that it would come easier. I wish it would come faster. I'm so scared to be in this "grieving process". I know, from my first miscarriage, where I can go in my head, and I don't want to go there again. I don't want to get to that spot again.

Today, when I picked up Sarah at school, one of the moms, who was also waiting for her child to come out of the classroom, and is pregnant herself, said, "Oh! You had your baby?" I just said, "Yes". She asked if she was home with her daddy. I said, "No". She looked around. I, embarrassed, said, "We lost her. She was stillborn". As she rubbed her pregnant belly, and expressed her apologies, I couldn't help but stare at her stomach. I was so jealous and non-understanding of her apologies. I didn't care. I just didn't say anything to her. I didn't want to cry. Not in front of everyone. So I just played with the puppy in the grass, and waited quietly for Sarah to come out. The woman walked away and I could hear her talking about me to a few of the women behind me, then I heard the grass rustle as they walked farther away from me, so they could talk without me hearing. Moments like that make things so much harder. I haven't picked up Sarah since I had the baby, but one time. This was the thing I was most afraid of, people noticing, and being happy, while I was a wreck inside.

So, like I said, today, I'm not ok. But I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day.