Finally, an OK day

Today has actually been an ok day. Allan let me sleep in until 9a this morning, and then I let him go back to sleep until 11a. The kids were all pretty happy and played outside a lot this morning, with the puppy, Clyde. Clyde has been a great distraction for them, especially Sarah. We know she has been acting out lately, because she is sad about Ellie's passing, and her lack of understanding of what has happened to her.

Allan told me, when he woke me up, that Sarah was asking a lot of questions about Eleanor. That really relieved me, because I have felt bad for her. She really gets the brunt of the emotions around here. Allan and I have both been pretty short with her, since we lost the baby, and she's been acting out and been really emotional. So for her to ask, that meant that she is feeling comfortable talking to us about her and asking questions about her. Last night, when I got home, I was talking with Becky, Allan's mom, since she was babysitting, about everything that was going on and what we were feeling. Sarah ran in, holding the puppy and was crying. Not like the dramatic cry that she always gets, but a truly sad cry. She kept saying, "I told him I was sorry. I said I was sorry." I finally got out of her, that she had dropped the puppy, and it yelped. She felt so terrible and was so afraid that she hurt the puppy. I assured her that the puppy was ok, and not to worry. About 15 minutes later, she came back, still teary, and I asked what was wrong. She told me she was still worried about the puppy, and that she misses her baby. My heart just melted for her. She asked, "Who is taking care of Ellie?" I told her that Heavenly Father was taking care of her. She wasn't convinced he was qualified however. I kept trying to tell her that Heavenly Father was better than mommy at taking care of babies. He LOVES babies. She was still worried, but that answer was working for her at the moment.

I was just taken by how much she was worried and cared about her baby sister and that she would know that we love her and that she was well taken care of. There are times, when being a mom is really really hard, and I don't like it, but then there are times like that, that just make me smile......and cry. I have had such a hard time with Ellie being gone, and it seems that the past few days, while in the bathroom getting ready for an event or something, I cry or get sad. I thought I was losing my mind, but Allan assures me that I wasn't. I felt Ellie there, and heard, as clear as day, "Mommy, I'm here." I felt her grab my hand and tell me this, on 2 occasions. After I told Allan that, he cried and then we both sat in bed, thinking about what she looks like. Every time I see her in my mind, she has long dark brown hair, pulled back into a pony tail, perfectly curled under, at the end. She has pale skin, like mine, big blue eyes, and a long face. She reminds me of Sarah, but with dark brown hair. She looks like Allan and me. I don't imagine her as a baby or a girl of Sarah's age. I imagine her as a girl, about 19. She's beautiful. I don't know if that's what she looks like, but it puts a face to a person that I can only imagine anymore.

I really miss Eleanor. But, today, I smile when I think of her.